Status Update

First, I want to thank everyone for all the prayers and support! Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I know I can thank you on behalf of Jessie and Diane. Most importantly, Thank You from my dad!

(Please bare with me as I write this. I am exhausted and have had very little sleep!)

Thursday was a long day of waiting. My dad checked into the hospital around 5:30 AM. They gave him a "don't care" shot and he was very cute. All smiles :-) Suddenly, he appeared small and fragile to me. This was despite the fact that in general, he's been looking the best he had since he finished his chemo and radiation. But it was time for them to wheel him away and I remember thinking that I wasn't ready even though he was. It was shortly after 7 when they took him away.

Jessie, Diane and I went to the waiting room where we took up residence. We waited and waited. We got few updates. Mostly it was just that he was "still in surgery" and it was "going well." After what seemed like ages, they told us they were beginning the "thorachotomy"... (I'm still not positive which part that was). And finally, we were told it was over! I think it was after 3 PM. Please keep in mind that all day I noticed surgeons coming out and speaking with family members. Suddenly, a volunteer came to us and told us that she was going to escort us to a room for the surgeon to be able to speak with us privately. When we got in the room I asked Diane what she thought about this and she confessed that she was nervous. I just kept thinking about all those surgeons I had seen talking to family members out in the main waiting room. Then I said a silent prayer, and remembered that God is in control. Let go, let God...

Dr. Moore (sp?) came in and said it went well. It was even one of the best he's ever seen! He could tell how excited we were to hear that. However, he cautioned us that my dad "isn't out of the woods yet." There can be any number of complications because this was such a major surgery and he wouldn't be cleared as "good to go" till at least 5 days post-op in the ICU. It would be another 45 minutes or so before we could see my dad. Dr. Moore also said that we should be prepared to see him with a ventilator for a couple of days and that he might look like he had been hit by a truck. ;-)

We rushed up to the ICU as soon as we were allowed. We walked around a little lost and saw a pale bald cancer patient, fresh out of surgery, on a ventilator and looking "like he was hit by a truck." We told the nurse showing us around that we thought it was him... Oooops... Just another pale bald man. Then from down the hall, I turned to see my dad being wheeled towards us on his bed. Not only was there no ventilator attached to him, but he was smiling a huge smile and holding BOTH thumbs up! The nurse who was wheeling him stopped and said he did great and that he thought he might have had the wrong patient because my dad was doing so well! He was talking and alert! I had honestly feared that he wouldn't have even known that I was here the entire time of my visit. Everyone was so impressed! All the nurses commented on how wonderfully he was doing. After they got him settled we finally got to have a nice little visit. What an amazing sigh of relief!

Let me just tell you about the tubes and wires. He is WIRED! There are so many tubes and wires coming out every which way! There is a nasal intubation (NG Tube) that is sewn into his nose. He doesn't like it. hehe - who would? But he's adorable. So cute trying to look at the tube at the end of his nose, crossing his eyes. He had an epidural as well. I told him now that we have something in common and that I LOVED my epidural! (Personally, with Jacob, I professed my undying love to my anesthesiologist.) He's got a wired button to call the nurse, a wired button for pain meds, and he has his own "harry potter wand." Its a tube for suction like at the dentist. He was waving it around saying "expelaramous!" I love that he has a sense of humor!

Last night he had no pain, per se, but he had a lot of discomfort. Unfortunately today, as the epidural wore off, he began to experience pain in his chest where there is an incision. But, when we left the hospital tonight, with the help of new pain meds, he was back to "discomfort" so I felt good about that.

I am sure that there is much that I am forgetting. But he is doing so well. OH - I forgot - he got up today and was placed in a chair! Sitting up! What a big boy :-). He is an overachiever and I know he wants his recovery to be as quick as possible, but he's going to have to take it easy. :-D

We took some photos so you can see all the tubes! Fun fun! Enjoy!

Please continue to send your powerful thoughts and prayers his way. Thank you!
Ahna

The Equal Validity Of Dreams...

“Remember Mind; REMEMBER!”… Back to Basics

(This quote above is from The Ten Principal Upanishads)

As CEO of “Get Well, Inc.”, I now find myself faced with a choice. Since this is my blog, I can choose to write in whatsoever a manner I find pleasing. What I’ve decided, is to put down the mantle of “propriety” and stop saying what I think I should! Instead, I’m now going to venture a little farther out on the limb and simply speak from my heart with “Integrity”! No self-judgment—neither condemnation, nor praise—likewise no self-criticism nor approval seeking. As Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen, author of a fantastic book called “Kitchen Table Wisdom” says, for our lives to move forward and allow our life force to grow it is best to operate from our “Wholeness”… perceived warts and all, otherwise, the limiting space that arises between our spontaneous thought processes and our ensuing editorial judgments as to how to best present our thoughts, can actually be quite stifling (as far as letting our truth blossom)…

I recently sent the following “Progress Report out to about 75 people via email:

Got some "Good News" on Monday. Met with my Oncologist (the Chemo doc who's been coordinating everything). Basically, he reviewed all the tests of last week (the Endoscope on the 24th and the CT/PET Scan of the 25th). All the biopsies came back absolutely NEGATIVE, i..e., no signs of any cancer. That said, he then, of course, "hedged his bets" by saying that the lower walls of the esophogus remained somewhat narrowed and thickened, which could (and which I believe is the case) be due to the aftereffects of the radiation therapy, however it could also possibly be some residual tumer or cancer cells embedded in the esophogeal walls. Unfortunately, or whatever, the only way to know is to "cut it out" (i.e. Surgery) and examine it via a pathology report. This is the course that it seems like everybody, with the exception of Dr. Li, seem to want to follow as it does offer the greatest chances of full recovery and "cure".
So, while I cant absolutely say I am "Cancer Free", this is the best news that I could have gotten and all indications are as positive as they can be and I choose to attest to and affirm that "I Am Cancer FREE"!!!

I met with the Surgeon yesterday, Dr John E. Moore at St. Joseph's Hospital. As my goal, all along, ever since first discovering all this back on August 6, has been, and continues to be "Get all this behind me and then to move forward with my life, As Soon As Possible" I decided, after meeting with him and discussing all of it, and then being quiet for 10 minutes and asking Baba for an answer to the question "Should I go ahead and have this surgery and should I do it with this surgeon?" (the answer I heard was an immediate, "Yes... Yes... Yes"), I told him I decided to do this and to go ahead and schedule it ASAP. I'll find out pretty soon exactly when this will be; the best he was able to guestimate was "sometime in November/December". They have to coordinate 2 surgeons' schedules, etc., (a General Surgeon whom Dr Moore works with all the time who will be making an incision and removing part of my abdomen, hopefully as little as possible, and then Dr Moore would turn me onto my left side, make an incision in my right side, and remove what sounds like quite a sizable portion of my esophogus, he'd then pull what's remaining of my stomach up into my right chest, lay it against my spine and reattach via staple, the remaining ends of my stomach to my esophogus. The whole operation takes about 6 hours! It all sounded quite frightening and, in many regards, it was one of the scariest discussions I've ever participated in! While each individual is unique, and this includes their inner life force and healing abilities, he expects me to be in the ICU, possibly on a ventilator at the beginning, for up to a week and then in the Hospital for probably a total of 10 days to 2 weeks, during which time I'll be fed via feeding tubes, etc. He expects that it'll take up to 6 months to "recover" fully from the operation, i. e. to not only heal, but to regain my energy, etc.

I asked what are the "odds" if I elected Not to do the surgery, and he told me that the people who choose this course are looking at a 30% survivor rate, overall, without recurrence, etc. In fact, when I asked him this particular question, he gestured toward the door and told me that the gentleman in the room right across the hall, did exactly this. In 2006, he underwent Radiation and Chemo for esophogeal cancer, and from that time till now, (and no less than 5 subsequent endoscopies alll showed no evidence of cancer) until recently, when he cancer "came back"! Now, the ONLY option he has is surgery and the chances are "iffy"... Also, 5% of the people operated on develop a condition while in the hospital, I believe, where their lungs "weep" (sounds to me like they take on fluid and basically cant breathe) and they then die. I asked about mortality rates from this surgery (and here again, I'll take these odds!!!) I'm not sure if it's 8% or 12% overall who die--and this is from "all kinds of things", i.e., having heart attacks long after the surgery, etc.

Basically, it seems that the "best course and best practices according to the Western Medical community", seem to definitely point to surgery, if for no other reason than the only way they can be certain that there are no remaining cancer cells, is to do the surgery and then examine microscopically via pathology the removed tissue... (By the way, my brain CT Scan and my PET Scan all are excellent and do NOT show any additional traces of cancer in my body!)

Anyway, this is the latest I have to report! To sum it up... looks like one more, major, life-altering, hurdle and then, God Willing, "Let's keep on rockin' in the free world"!!!

Thanks for all your love, energy, support and prayers on my behalf!

KMLAAY

Victor

Ok! That’s what I sent out… In perspective, I’d say that about 95% of the responses were extremely positive, wishing me well and promising to keep me in their prayers, and offering various forms of support! That’s the good news. The next day, I received no less than 4 communications of a “questioning” nature re my decision to proceed along the course I had set before me.

The first was from a dear friend who simply strongly suggested I get a second opinion before proceeding with something which was potentially so “life altering”… (Ostensibly, this certainly makes good sense, and if the shoe were on the other foot, I’d possibly/probably make a similar type suggestion myself!)…

The second one was from a “Healer” and woman whom I greatly respect and who, also, suggested a seek out a second opinion only this one with a “naturopath” (i.e., a person who works along an alternate path advocating good health via proper nutrition, like a raw food diet, etc.). This one, personally, did not resonate comfortably.

Then came the “humdinger”… The person who wrote it I truly love and respect. He sent me no less than 11 websites and/or places to go on the internet, strongly letting me know that I should hold off my pending course of action for at least 6 months and research it thoroughly and completely as this surgery was so highly invasive, complex, and potentially life altering/threatening, etc. He went on to give an example of how he had stopped a pending surgery on his wife’s foot the weekend prior to her surgery as he had discovered that other people who went through this were each in quite a bit of pain and discomfort, a couple of years after their operations, and whatever alternative course of action my friend chose to pursue, his wife is now fine and very comfortable in this regard! Implicit (and explicit) was his view that the particular surgeon in question was out to make a few bucks at his wife’s “expense”! By the way, this individual (my friend) was the former head of training for a huge Corporation which manufactures, among other medical products, defibrillators. He went on further to tell me that in his experience, having trained more than 3000 cardiac surgeons during his 25 year tenure with his company, that about 98% of this population seemed to have their—in my own words, here—hearts in their pocketbooks! Now remember, this is a friend of mine whom I feel very close to, and whose base of medical knowledge is certainly well beyond mine.

And lastly, a wonderful and life long friend of my family’s, an RN who was probably my wife’s closest and dearest friend ever since my family first moved to Georgia in 1983, and who currently works with these kinds of “Radical-Surgery-Patients” every day, began her conversation with me by questioning whether I was sure that this (my own upcoming surgery) was the correct thing for me to do!!! (To set the record absolutely straight, she did say that whatever I decided to do, that she would be support me in my decision and be there for me in whatever capacity I might require.)…

Well, now, I don’t know about you, dear reader, but to say that this boy was definitely “thrown for a loop”, is an understatement of “Biblical Proportions”! Every one of these well intentioned people’s own doubts and fears, began playing with and fogging up the mirror of my own mind, until they all coalesced into a cacophonous crescendo of confusion and uncertainty! Forget my own practices and disciplines of asking for and then going with my inner guidance; forget that the seeds of this course of action (the surgery that I am going to have) was planted in a totally straightforward and unambiguous fashion from day one by my own chemo and radiation oncologists; forget that I myself was expecting this from the get-go; all I know is that—let’s call it what it is—fear took over with every bit of its nagging power and seemingly occupied the conscious forefront of my heart and mind!

OK Sportsfans, lets flash forward! It’s now about a week since I sat and wrote the above. I’ve just returned from the “second opinion” by a surgeon who himself was diagnosed with throat cancer some 4 years prior. He absolutely concurred with my intended course of action and was even a bit more pessimistic as to the odds of my not having surgery and then experiencing a recurrence (The first surgeon said the odds were in the 30% category—i.e., only 30% of those electing to forego surgery would not have a recurrence, whereas this second doctor said that he thought the odds were actually closer to about only 20% of those electing to take a “surgical pass” would not experience a recurrence. While I realize that “statistics can be one of the largest sources of lies known to man” I still find these ratios powerfully compelling!

I also have to realize that regardless of anybody else’s concerns and loving and good intentions for my wellbeing, that each person out there views the world through their own filters and perceptions and that their “dream” is no more “real” than is “mine”! (Actually, for me myself, my own “dream” is what I must learn to honor, believe in, and ultimately, live!)

I am reminded of a Toltec wisdom book called “The Four Agreements”. In it, the author, Don Miguel Ruiz perceives “reality” from a heightened state of awareness and then relates that each of us perceives the world from our own limited point of view; actually, he says that each of us, in an unlimited state of awareness are like “shining mirrors” simply reflecting the light (or Universal Consciousness) and that when we return to our “normal” state of awareness, that our mirrors become covered with a coating or substance which substantially alters the light that we can then reflect. He says that we each live in our own “dream”, and therefore, the “third” agreement is: “Never take anything that anyone else says, or does, personally” , (as their perception is simply that individual’s “own dream”—valid for themselves, no doubt, but not necessarily valid for anyone else! Thus, it seems to me that part of my present work is for me to simply remember the following:

I’ve got my own dreams from, and in which, to view the world!

Interesting, but I just received another email from the woman I referred to above—the healer who suggested that I seek out a naturopath for a 2nd opinion. Now you’ve got to understand, I really believe that this is a lady of great intelligence and wisdom, and whose words, and views, I truly admire and respect. However, Not for Me and Not in My Case!!!

Following is part of her email:

I must tell you that I would prefer to see you take six months and make the lifestyle, emotional and thinking changes that will support a cancer-free body rather than have that surgery. If you don’t do those things, the cancer is likely to come back after your surgery. Tell the doctors you want to do “watchful waiting.” What would Sai Baba say?

My response:

(Name withheld), First of all, I think you know that I am deeply respectful of your wisdom and being, and truly honor the "testament" that you are to what you have achieved with your own healing.
That said, as we are all different, all that each of us can do is get in touch with his or her own self; get quiet, meditate, pray, etc., and then decide what is best for our own selves. As for me, after a period of weighing all kinds of factors, I've come to a decision which is different from what it is that you are saying you'd prefer that I do. I've spent a great deal of time ever since first becoming aware of this condition back in August, in working as best I know how, along with loving guidance and prayers, etc., from a great deal of people (yourself certainly included in these), to guard my thinking, to be centered and truly live in each present moment (where Presence lives and fear does not); while I haven't become a "raw food exclusive" eater, my diet has changed considerably towards the "healthy", and I've sought Spiritual guidance from a number of respected sources, and taken from each of these that which has resonated as comfortable and valid for me, and tried as best I know how to incorporate this into my "daily routine". I believe, over all, I am a better person as a result!
Yesterday, I sat for a 2nd opinion from a chemo oncologist at Piedmont Hospital, who had himself been diagnosed, 4 years ago, with throat cancer. While this is certainly different from what it is that I have, he was even more "pessimistic" about the "odds" of surviving long term without recurrence should I elect to not have the surgery. (My own surgeon told me around 30% of people who don't have surgery and have esophogeal cancer are ok--meaning that 70% have a recurrence; this new doctor said he'd suspect that the odds were really closer to only 20%!)
All along, one of my stated main goals in this journey, has been to do whatever necessary in order to "get this all behind me as quickly as possible, so that I could then get on with the rest of my life, also as quickly as possible!" While a 6 month hiatus doesn't sound "long" from a "remainder of my life" perspective, from the space-time frame of reference of "what I've been through and what I'm presently going through" it feels "too long" for me. (There are also practical matters such as economics--i.e., I'd need to return to work which would jeopardize the disability income that I'm currently receiving). As far as “what would Sai Baba say?”: While I certainly cannot claim to "speak for him", I believe that I did hear him very clearly when I became silent and asked him the following question:
"Swami! Should I have this surgery, and should I have it with this surgeon?".
(By the way, I've done this particular exercise—I’m not sure but I'd guestimate that it's been around slightly less than a total of 10 times throughout my life—and what I can say with "hindsight being 20-20”, and absolute certainty, is that each time I did this, the answer I received was 100% True and that furthermore, this practice has "Never let me down!") The answer that I heard to this specific question was an extremely clear, "Yes! Yes! Yes!”)
(Name withheld), while I deeply appreciate your concerns and your wishes, I believe that in the past (and I forget what the context was) you said something to the effect that whereas some course of action might not be the one that would work for you that the being who made that decision was to be honored. (Remember now, I'm probably taking liberties in paraphrasing you here, but my point, I believe, will resonate with you.) So, while you would apparently choose a very different course of action, I'd sincerely hope that you'd honor whatever course I may choose for myself that would be comfortable for me; and, if possible, that you would continue to send me all of your love and support for "the perceived reality of my own being and my own journey"...
Also, during the approximately 6 months that it'll take for me to heal and recover from the surgery, I don't see why I couldn't use this period of time to "make the lifestyle, emotional and thinking changes that will support a cancer-free body"?
Belive me, (Name withheld), while I do appreciate your concerns, very honestly, what I need in my life now, are those people who, because of their love for me, can/will love and support me in my own health decisions, even though they may differ from their own.
Thank you again for everything that you've already done for me and on my behalf, and I sincerely hope that you'll be there for me in the same capacity going forward!
I love you very much, and thanks again!
Victor

Again, all I can do is to view the world as I will and then to refer to it from my own “integrity”! May the Loving Lord of All The Worlds bless and love me, you, and everyone!

OM
Loka Samastha, Sukino Bhavantu,
Loka Samastha, Sukino Bhavantu,
Loka Samastha, Sukino Bhavantu,
Om, Shanthi, Shanthi, Shanthi!

Translation:

“May All The Beings, In All The Worlds, Always Be Happy,
Peace… Peace… Peace…”

So then, as I said earlier, “Back to Basics”: My present work is to focus on the following:

1) I Am “That” I Am…
2) The only “Reality” is This Present Moment, “The Eternal NOW”…
3) My current full-time job, consists simply of being conscious and “Remembering
Number 2”!...

My Miracle--Can I hear an "Amen"?

My Miracle:

“Faith” is resting assured and certain, in things unseen…

While this one might not move any mountains, all I know is that the sun definitely rose over my own heart! Without going into too much detail, when it comes to matters of “Faith”, I personally believe the following:

There is a Loving, and Universal Creative Principal, whose “Nature” is comprised of three essential aspects:

1 ) All-Consciousness (Omnipresence)
2) All-Knowledge (Omniscience) and
3) Bliss: (this one equates to, and contains, what is often referred to as Omnipotence)… Actually, the word “Bliss” to me connotes an everlasting State of Spiritual or Transcendent Ecstasy, which transcends our normal perceptions of “emotional movement” along the transitory / momentary continuum of , “Joy & Sorrow”…

Furthermore, this “Principal” is All Embracing as well as All Inclusive. It is, at one and the same time, within manifest creation, as well as beyond it… It is, very simply, anything and everything that ever has been, is now, or will ever come into existence; it is both “The Manifest” and “Un-Manifest” and, if such a concept can even be sensibly expressed, what lies beyond these poles…

Different people refer to it by whichever particular names and or forms they may personally regard as “adorable”… Each and everyone of these views, to my mind, is correct! For now, I will simply refer to this object of adoration, or worship, as “God”. My understanding of “God” is that It is, quite simply, the totality of everything that exists—a Source of Energy manifesting as the Essence of every single life-form, animate or inanimate, which “comes into creation”. If you think of this all encompassing “Energy” as a “Sub-stratum” over, or around which beings embody, then you’ve come pretty close to sharing my understanding…

I once attended a School in New York City, which referred to this as “The Absolute” and, as I recall, they used to say that if you reject The Absolute “anywhere” you reject it “everywhere”… This continues to resonate as “True” to this day.

Without trying to push my views on anyone, I have personally enjoyed calling out to God by a particular Name and Form which is very dear to my own heart, and which has come about as a result of some very deeply intimate and compelling personal experiences which I feel extremely blessed to have been able to participate in, over the years…

So then, I do believe in, and “follow”, a particular “Channel” or “Vehicle”, to which I call out in times of personal need, and which I worship and adore, and, which allows me to feel, and have, a “personal connection/relationship” with “God”… The particular Name / Form that I’m referring to is an 82 year old Indian Gentleman by the name of Sai Baba…

The only other thing I need to share, which will shed light on the following, is that one of his “hallmarks” lies in his power to “manifest” anything—from “nowhere”, or “non-existence” if you will, into this dimension of plain physical reality or “material existence”. That’s right, and, I’ve personally witnessed a few of these “miraculous” acts of manifestation right before my own eyes—once from a distance of less than 2 feet away! (By the way, He refers to these acts as his “calling cards”, and then goes on to further elucidate : (to paraphrase) “I give them what they want so that I can get their attention; and then I give them what it is that I have come to give"...

Probably one of the most “commonly recurrent” objects he manifests is a fine “powdery” substance which emanates from, and then pours out of his palm; this is called “Vhibhuti” (pronounced: Vi (as in Victor) -boo-tee). This substance is both highly fragrant and has often been known to have highly potent healing powers for individuals, regarding infirmities and diseases both minor and life threatening. I equate it to “Holy Ash”; this can be either applied (i.e. rubbed onto the body physically), or ingested (i.e. swallowed directly or mixed into water and then drunk)…

In any event, 2 Saturday nights ago, I felt like attending a worship service which is held on a weekly basis here in Atlanta. The last meeting I attended was sometime back in July, prior to discovering I had cancer. I simply felt like having my “batteries re-charged”!

While driving there, the thought came to mind that I’d really like to get some vhibhuti from the center so that I could take it back home with me, and that I’d really like to get some type of “special” vhibhuti—i.e., a type made directly by Baba himself and not the other kind that is made in his Ashram, (Spiritual enclave) and then is blessed by him. Anyway, these were the thoughts that ran through my mind.

I attended the service and, after its conclusion, I remained sitting for a little while afterwards, lost in my own meditation and inner reflection. Upon opening my eyes, I noticed that the entire room (which had previously been filled with approximately 100 people) was now completely empty save 2 other individuals along with myself. I stood up and made to leave. Immediately before walking out the door, I saw that one of the remaining gentleman was an acquaintance of mine who was kind of highly placed on the “food chain” within the U.S. organizational structure. He, thus, would have been "the perfect” person for me to have made my request of. When he saw me, he extended his hand and asked how I was. I told him “wonderful” and that I believed that Baba was curing me. We then hugged, and for some unknown reason I chose not to say anything further. I then left the room, went downstairs, put my shoes on and returned upstairs.

As I was heading for the exit door, an older gentleman, whom I had met back in 98 when I first began attending the meetings at the center, noticed me and inquired as to how I was. I told him that I thought that Baba was curing me of cancer! Without a word, he reached into his pocket, and pulled out a packet of the most wonderfully fragrant Vhibhuti which he handed to me. He then told me that he had recently visited Baba in India and that he was with him when Baba had stood in front of 9 large empty jars. Upon a wave of his hand, each of the jars became full of this vhibhuti. I was stunned and, aside from profusely expressing my gratitude, felt tears of joy welling up within me as I felt certain that Baba was answering my prayer!

Coincidence? You may say so; personally, I don’t believe in “accidents”; and I further believe “that there isn’t a blade of grass that blows, except by the Will of God”! All I can say is that in my heart I know that God is with me, he knows about what I’m going through, and this was my own clear sign that he’s letting me know that I’ll be all right!!!

Praise God! Praise God! Praise God!

Can I hear an “AMEN”?!!!

A Year of Completion...

Perhaps the Seas are Always in Turmoil,

Constantly Morphing, Ever A-Dance,

Their Encaptured Creations,

Energetic Explosions ,

Embodying Patterns of Change itself;

Maybe the Sky, itself, is Falling,

Maybe the Days are Ending, in turn,

Maybe Time itself is Receeding,

Blistering forward,

The Human Race Stumbles,

Pausing, Reflective,

Beginning Anew...

For whatever reasons there may be, for me personally, this is both an extremely "momentous" time in my life and, a time in which no less than 4 events of monumental importance, are all coming to "completion" and each of them during the "same" (relatively speaking) period of time!

1) Obviously, my entire "Adventures in Cancer" was/is momentous enough as to give me a total "Life-Time-Out"! (more about this one later, and, I truly believe that this, alone and in itself, would be quite enough for anyone to deal with)...

2) "Trials " (& Tribulations): 7 years ago, this past September, my beloved wife of the previous 25 years, passed away as a result of--and I don't care how any court or jury rules--the height of Negligence on no less than 3 different entities parts:

1. A Surgeon's wrongful acts which led to a "dehiscense of an anastamosis" (the coming

apart of the spot where my her colon was reattached...

2. Rural Georgia's EMT's, who, while assuming control and placing an oxygen mask on
my wife and then, immediately after laying her flat on her back and me pointing out

to them that she vomited (and was then in the act of obviously "drowning" in it), they then

proceeded to carry her out to the back of the ambulance--an act which probably took at least

one to three precious minutes to complete--all the while failing to tilt the stretcher so as to

clear her airway...

3. North Fulton Regional Hospital's (to my mind), almost "criminal act "of placing my wife and

myself in what turned out to be a "life and death" decision-making-position of deciding

whether or not to leave the hospital, or wait for 4 more hours until the doctor would be able to

come and see her--and this, by the way, in response to approximately 5 minutes earlier, after

my wife suddenly turned to me and asked me to call the doctor and tell him that her pain

became so intense as to have her say "Vic, my pain now is worse than at any time, including

before the surgery"--and all this after being in that hell hole for 2 solid weeks with their

"Patient Could Care Less" policy, and serious breeches in communication between the doctors

and the nurses, etc., etc.,--I mean, who the hell wouldn't want to pick up and run so that true

"Healing" might have an opportunity to occur??? Oh yeah, and please remember, immediate-

ly after the nurse in charge was alerted to this sudden change in Karen's condition, she

administered a pain pill to Karen that wasn't due for another 4 hours--is it any wonder that

an hour later my wife felt somewhat improved and given all the hell that she'd been through

under their auspices, then decided she'd rather be discharged than to wait another 3 hours

for the doctor to show up?!

In any event, the trial for her wrongful death, against the surgeon (as for whatever reasons there may be was the only legal cause of action my attourneys decided they could pursue), was now scheduled to take place beginning Monday, October 15, 2007!!! By the way, it is now Sunday night, October 21, 2007 as I write this, and the trial is now, at long, long last, behind me and while the verdict did not go in my favor, at least I can take extreme solace for 2 things: 1) All along, I set out to simply, as a matter of HONOR and integrity, defend my wife in trying to let her have her "day in court" that her "story might be told", in an effort to hold those at fault accountable! This all took slightly more than 7 years to actually bring about, all in a torturous journey characterized by seemingly neverending peaks and valleys, and all in the face of a nearly non-stop series of delaying tactics repeatedly presented by the defense. It's seems like a miracle that I ever got as far as I did! And, unfortunately, as it all finally manifested, due to "legalities and technicalities" and, in some cases, actual outright falsifications of medical records (which could not be proven due to convenient documentation, or "lack thereof") I feel like I really was unable to fully tell my story of what I will always know in my heart, actually occurred! A travesty of justice? Absolutely! However, getting back to my original point, I now feel completely at peace I rest secure in the knowledge that I did all that was humanely possible for me, or anyone in my position, to do, and that

2) I now, 7 years plus after the event, and at long last have, finally have CLOSURE and am able to move on with my life!

3) Oh Yes! (Of course there is a number 3 as well)--I know that Karen, looking down from a far better place, is satisfied with my efforts and knows that I went all the extra miles in pursuing this as a matter of Husbandly Duty and Honor!!!

As I said, it is now Sunday night, and I feel as if a weight of about a Billion Pounds has now been lifted from my shoulders!!!

AMEN!

3) As to the third "monumentally important" event in my life that I previously referred to, with my sincerest of apologys to you, dear readers of my Blog, at this particular moment, I simply choose to refrain from discussing. (I would beg you to forgive me and to take heart that at some point following my surgery and the aftermath of my healing from it, I promise to fully address this "mysteriously elusive" number three!)

4) This one, is actually of a pleasant and extremely positive nature, although no less truly "monumentally important"! It is with great pleasure that I refer to the fact that on August 17, 2007, I asked my lovely and beloved lady friend--Ms. Diane Sisto--to become my Fiance and to accept my hand in holy and sacred Marriage at a date soon to be decided! As I said, this one is very positive and wonderful, although, no less of "monumental importance" to my life!

To keep you up to speed healthwise, in brief:

As of tonight, Suday, October 21, 2007, I feel physically light years of improvement on just about every level. Today was the first day I ate without having to first drink the numbing mouthwash, and, I was not in any pain nor much discomfort (I do now have to eat considerably smaller mouthfuls, and considerably slower than I was "normally" accustomed to, but I guess this is good, and actually, more healthy overall!)

Energetically, I feel "Normal"... (weird, but in some respects this is all like a dream happening to someone else; in other respects, its definitely "me" or a "New Me" actually, that this is all happening to)

My Chinese Doctor, Dr. Li, (the one who administers my accupuncture treatments along with the herbs which I brew into a Tea and then drink once a day) told me that I'd soon be feeling my better! In fact, at my last appointment with him (slightly more than a week ago) he again remarked about how strong my "PreNatal Chi" is (I guess this loosely translates into something akin to one's "general constitution"--actually, this to me is akin to one's "Life Force")... In the Indian, or Hindu culture they refer to this life force by the term "Prana". Regardless of the label, I will share with you the following: You know how some people are "hotblooded" or "warm" by nature--just like others are naturally "chilly" or "cold-natured"?-- well I'm most definitely of the former variety. In fact, I've often referred to myself as a "heat-seeking missle". For example, sometimes, when I'm in an embrace and am lying with my body next to and touching against someone else, the other person often has told me that they were "getting warm" and actually needed to remove the blankets for a moment so that their equilibrium could readjust--I just radiate that much "heat". Around the time I got sick, and certainly once I started the Chemo and the Radiation, I then felt alternately "hot"--i.e., I would sweat profusely and feel very clammy and warm--and then, in an instant, I would suffer from chills and feel cold.

(Not very pleasant I assure you). As of this past weekend, I'm ecstatic to report that I am now radiating heat once again! In fact, Diane remarked about this and said that she definitely noticed this change in my "Chi". To me, this is one of the clearest indications that, inside, my essential Life Force is returning and I'm not only feeling like "my old self" but I am now feeling "Better"! Dr. Li calls it "The Second Spring"! That's right, everybody--I'm now entering the "Second Spring" of my Life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Praise God! Thank You, Lord! In fact, Thank you all soooooooooooooooooooooooooo Much for your constant Prayers, good thoughts, etc. I'm here to "testify", if you will, that I not only "felt" them, during the time--and still do-- like an "active current" running through me--that's right, almost "palpably", but I absolutely and totally believe in the power that they convey. I feel like I am, and will be, "Living Proof" of this always!

Oh well, I'll be updating this a lot more frequently from now on. I appreciate whoever is reading this and your loving intentions and healing thoughts and prayers!

KMLAAY (Keep My Love All Around You)

Victor

P.S. In my next blog, I'll share with you my "Miracle" which just happened, last night! No kidding!--Stay Tuned....

Milestone: Progress Report

Well, on Aug 6th, slightly less than 2 months ago, I was diagnosed with EC (Esophageal Cancer) and, needless to say, a great deal has transpired since then, and continues to do so, moment by moment.

Bottom Line: Yesterday, Monday, October 1st, was my Last treatment of Chemotherapy!!! (6 weeks worth altogether; that, along with 5 weeks worth of daily Radiation Therapy) and there you have it, boyz 'n girlz, one EC Treatment Program of Rad/Chemo:

DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Kaputsky! Fini! Toast! Over! No More! No Mo! No Mas! No Mas! ... No More Mas!!!

Can you believe it? I really don't know what to say? It all feels like some UN-real "Dream"I've been witnessing... there are some definite traces of a surreal, almost transparent nature going on here. It's like I'm watching myself acting out a role in some kind of movie; a movie where the script is "hidden", but where, if I get quiet and still enough, my "part" writes itself and pours forth as shiney and plain as day! In fact, it couldn't get much clearer! It all seems to be just quietly flowing out of this great bottomless "cup" that I can tap into anytime I choose. All I have to do, is to shut my own head up long enough to listen to what's already there! Then, everything just flows along effortlessly. And as far as "Fear" is concerned--a great example is this past Sunday, the day before my last massive 6 -Hour Chemo barrage--my daughter Jessie asked me how I was feeling? (in regard to my upcoming treatment).

I got quiet and, again, the words just poured out of my mouth:

"Right now, all I know is that I'm just sitting right here!"...

I don't think she got it, because she immediately repeated her question:

"So, how're you doing/feeling about the chemo tomorrow?" to which I immediately responded:

"Right now, I just am where I am"! (or something along these lines, anyway).



What's my point? All that exists, truly, is this present moment! Everything else is either a memory (the past) or a dream (the future); the ONLY R-E-A-L-I-T-Y is this immediate "Here and Now, Present / Ever-Present moment. In fact, if there were some way to measure in Quantum Physics terms, for example, and accurately describe or reflect "this present moment", in terms of "language" the description would be totally identical with a description of any other "Present Moment"... Identical in every single way, shape or form.

I'm telling you: that's ALL there is, is This Present Moment!
That's all there ever was;
that's all there ever more shall be.
It's all Right Here, Right Now.

40 years ago, Baba Ram Das, the former Dr. Richard Alpert, Sociology Professor from Harvard University and cohort of Dr. Timothy Leary of "Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out" 60's, Summer of Love and Flower Power fame, wrote a book called "Be Here Now"...
Around 35 years later I read "the exact same" simple message in another life changing book called "The Power Of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Actually, this central message is a recurrent theme and Central Teaching of every single
Great Spiritual Teacher/Prophet/Master/Messiah/Avatar/Guru/God-Being Incarnate--from Krishna through Moses, Jesus, Buddha --All of them, every single one, speaks about THIS same ETERNAL PRESENT MOMENT!

Once we can tap into this space, all we have to do is remain still enough to simply rest there--Rest, and Observe...
Everything--All that we need...
To think...
To say...
To do...
All will come pouring forth,
Of its own accord,
Out from the funnel of this "Cornucopic Horn of Plenty". The neat part, is that the entire process is "effortless" and all we have to do is simply "watch" it, and go with the flow (as opposed to "rush with the flush")...

"Let Go and Let God"...
Just "BE"...
We are NOT the Doers--God is the only "Doer"...

There must be 10 Billion ways of phrasing the exact same principal...
Let's all simply pause, and bow down with the deepest Humility and Respect, before the only Truth there is-- The ONE-- "God"... or, as I am comfortable putting it: "Our own "SELF"!!!

Hope this resonates with someone else out there, too, but if not, that's cool. I believe I'm finally beginning to "get it"!...

What I Know...

The correct answer is "Nothing"...

Thousands of years ago, Plato was proclaimed by the Delphic Oracle to be the wisest man in Ancient Greece. This pronouncement came as Plato responded to the same question asked of everyone visiting the Oracle:

"What do you know?"

Plato's response:

"All I know, is that I know nothing!"...

Today, as I sit here in Victorville, immersing myself in the view appearing within my field of vision; my mind stills and, in place of the incessant, white-noise of neverending Mind-Chatter, I find my own Consciousness seamlessly dissolving and then connecting with an all pervading silence. This substratum of stillness underlies everything, until there finally emerges a point at which there is no separation/distinction between what is seen/heard, and what is seeing/hearing. From within this Sacred Space of Holy Stillness and Pre-Intention, my mind dissolves into a vast and omni-dimensional zero point field whose essence is "All that Was, Is, and Ever More Shall Be"...

This Grand Convergence leads to a Portal into Unity Consciousness upon whose Gatepost the following is inscribed:

Greetings Oh One

Who at last is seeking...

Before you lies a world bristling with Infinite Potential;

A straight and narrow pathway bridging the Unmanifest and Manifest, the Nameless and Named; the Tao and the 10,000 things.

The only requirement for entry is Total Surrender...

Breathe In...

Let Go...

Allow...

And simply Rest in Being...

Your Presence here today,

Has long been preceeded,

On your part,

By the Burning Flame of Desire.

This Flame of Desire:

To Have...

To Do...

To Be...

Lay dormant and smoldering,

Within the very core of your Being,

Throughout the endless parade of time,

Throughout innumerable past-lives, births and deaths,

Your Soul has finally chosen to embark upon its ultimate path...

Welcome to a New World;

A world whose landscape,

Though formerly strewn with the decaying wreckage of past desire,

Now lies open before you;

A New Space...

Open, Pristine & Pure,

Unfettered & free;

A New Space...

Whose sole Price of Admission,

Manifests simply in the Wake of Conscious Choice;

The Choice:

To No Longer Desire...

Welcome and GodSpeed...

Victor-ville

Week 5: "Burnt Toast"...

Well, as week Five draws to an end, here's the latest...

Just as the good folks from the land of "Radiation R Us" have been promising, my challenges seemingly grow larger. Its getting harder and harder to simply swallow. Yesterday, (Wednesday), I had difficulty in swallowing a couple of small sips of water! Breakfast: it was all I could do to get 2 spoonsful of peanut butter down. Today, I awoke before the alarm, which I set daily for 8AM, due to the "pain" in my esophagus. The best way to describe it is to say I feel like somebody's been using the inside of my chest as a punching bag!

The nurse, Brenda, at the Radiation place sat me down today (Thursday) and, after reviewing my growing level of alarm re my discomfort, told me that it's really "OK for me to take Percoset pretty much round the clock". In fact, after I go to sleep tonight, I'll set my alarm for about 4 hours later, take another dose, and then return to sleep. As soon as I got home this morning, I took my first one at 10 AM; it took a good hour and a half until I finally felt relief. So, boys 'n' girls, evidently the "trick" here seems to lie in "Preventing" or "Managing" the pain by taking "mother's little helper" on a continuous basis. It's now 5:30PM and I'll take dose number 3 in about a half hour (took a second one at 2PM...)



Wierd, but right now I'm actually feeling "good"! The progression pretty much flowed from "agony", to "tolerable", to no pain or "not feeling actively bad", to "feeling good" as I do now! Around 2 PM, I finally managed to eat some soup followed by a cheese quesadilla that Jessie brought over. It's amazing just how depleted your entire energy can become (and thus the quality of your life) if you've got to focus on just being still and letting the pain subside. What's causing this is the continual bombardment of radiation to the insides of my esophagus. It's like taking a highly internally sunburned area and then constantly reexposing it to more "sun", and then more, etc., etc., etc...

The subtle stigmas we all carry with us throughout life are really amazing. There's just so much tribal trash stored in the collective unconscious mascarading as wisdom. I mean, here I am trying to be a brave and good boy by NOT taking the pain medication I've been given, as if there's some kind of virtue in struggling heroically with pain and discomfort on my "own"... Duh-uhhh! Wrong-O, Bong-O! I mean, didn't the Buddha say that "Suffering is Selective"? (Actually, I just came up with that) Buddha said that Life just "Is" and how we choose to perceive it--positive or negative--is a matter of personal choice and there, in the wake of the ensuing attachment, lies the potential (and realization) of "suffering". In retrospect, it seems like a no brainer.

(Philosophical "Tidbit")... Speaking of "Attachment"...

One can be attached either to getting something (obtaining it, etc.) or, on the opposite side of the coin, to NOT getting it --i.e., The "Attachmment Spectrum" seems to range from Desire (want of gain) on one hand to Aversion (fear of loss) on the other. If you're attached to either outcome, (Presence or Absence) you're trapped, caught-up or stuck! Welcome to the Human Condition! Throughout recorded history the great Spiritual Masters & Teachers (Buddha, Christ, Baba, etc.) all seem to refer to a sort of "middle-ground" or space located in the Here & Now, the Present, wherein all perception and ensuing action can be conducted without any "taint". Without any claim or sense of "Hey Ma, look at Me! I'm the Doer here; Aren't I great?" on any level so that any action we perform is simply a matter of Pure Observation within Consciousness itself, and our "response" is in accordance with Knowledge arising within that Present moment. This then, especially when performed without regard to "results", creates a "clean and taintless" or "pure" action, which then can ultimately lead one to "Liberation" as eventually, no further Karma will be created as that action is free from any "claim" or ego derived color...

It's rather amazing but if one gets to a point of simply living in the Present Moment, then statements like "God is the Only "Doer" not only make sense, but can truly be appreciated as well!

Well, then, Week 5 is history or "Burnt" Toast!... (I'm looking forward to Monday, as that will be my LAST DAY OF RADIATION and the 5 FU!!!

Onward & Inward...

Welcome to Victor-Ville

Since I'm spending virtually all my time these days in my home, I'd like to explain a couple of things...

A few months ago, a good friend of mine, Jason Hughes-- AKA the "Madman from Manchester"--, was visiting with me one evening along with another wonderful guy, Mr. Sammy Jackson (we all work / work-ed together at Reed). We found ourselves outside in the backyard area of my townhome. Now I've been tremendously blessed to have secured a wonderful "end" location of my townhome, and I really lucked out because my backyard has an additional 10-15 feet of space which runs from the end of my double-slab concrete pattio, right up to the black wrought iron fence.

It's what's beyond the fence that's awesome...

There's this area of "woods" (nothing but dense hardwoods and pinetrees, etc. which then run for an addtional 50 yards or so) All you can see is "trees". This will never be developed hence I have a feeling of extreme Privacy, Nature and Solitude as far as the eye can see. (It's like my own little private nature preserve). Anyway, the three of us are sitting on my pattio, just looking out into the "greenery" and Jason turns to Sammy, gestures towards the woods and says, "Welcome to Victorville"! I loved it! Brought a huge smile to my face and Heart. Since that time, I've come to lovingly refer to my backyard as "Victorville". I actually am in the process of writing a song the first verse of which goes like this:

Well I'm sitting out here in Victorville,
Working on an early Autumn chill,
And wondering if the weather will or wont;

All I can say is I don't know,
Sometimes it's stop, and sometimes go,
The only question's will I do or dont...

(to be continued)

I have this one little sign up on the fence that says "Oh my, How Truly Delightful Life Really Is..."

Occupying the pattio Slab is my grill, a small circular stone table on which I'm writing this as we speak, with 2 swivel chairs, my double glider, my rocker, and my meditation chair.

And then, my Pride and Joy, "The Froggy Bottom Boys"! Yep! One by one, I discovered these three blue painted sheet-metal sculpted frogs--got them one at a time simply because I liked 'em! The first one (I'm currently working on names) is playing guitar, the second one is laying down a nice beat on some bongos, and the last one--got him on August 13, as a birthday present to myself-- is playing what appears to be an accordion of sorts. They're all singing or croaking along. I've got them placed together as an obvious trio. A couple days after, while visiting Harry's Farmers Market, I discovered this metallic "ball" (looks like the earth) atop a "stand" which spirals down into the ground. I've strategically placed this in front of "The Boys" so that it totally resembles a Microphone into which they're all singing. Lastly, I found some pinecones and placed them, one each, on the front part of their hats.

Jason came up with their name; if you recall, a couple years ago, George Clooney made a movie, based on Homer's Oddessy called, "Oh Brother Wherefore Art Thou". In it, there's this bluegrass singing group called the "Soggy Bottom Boys"... Well, the group in my backyard is now lovingly called "The Froggy Bottom Boys"... They are currently working on their first, soon to be nationally released "hit" --working title: The Smoking Raisins! Don't ask...

I've asked my daughter Ahna to post a few pictures of The Boys here, and also one of my daughter Jessie and me. This is a beautiful picture, I love it as you can feel the love in it, and, I'm wearing a present that she gave me, a soft, light-blue fleeced sockhat so my dome wont get too chilly...

Later Alligator,
Not so soon Baboon,
Gotta Blog, Frog...

(Groan, or maybe "Ribbit")!!!

Week Number 4 (and counting): Toast!

Hard to believe, but it's been a friggin' month since I began my treatment. On one hand, it seems like "yesterday", on the other, it feels like for-e-v-e-r... Overall, Great! Physically, definitely becoming more of a challenge. Sometimes I feel like I got hit by the Energy Depletion Truck! And, as they said, the simple act of eating is becoming an awful lot like "Work" to me!....
I've got to maintain my weight and this means eating; that said, do you know what it's like to cut your food into tiny morsels and then very thoroughly and slowly, chew, chew, chew it and then --Gulp! Good luck in swallowing! Feels like the inside of my esophagus is "bruised" and after literally 2 swallow, I need to forceably rest and drink water and then wait until the feeling of "fullness" subsides, so that I can continue. Last night it took me approximately 45 minutes just to almost finish what was on my plate. Oh well, this too shall pass...

Thank goodness I haven't had to deal with "nausea" perse, however yesterday I was feeling extremely "queasy" which was relieved by gingerale and, I bought some chrystallized ginger from New Zealand at Whole Foods, which also helped...

Last night, I had some discomfort in lifting my head straight up from my pillow (my Left Neck area felt extremely muscularly fatigued--fkind of "sore" and "achey"--found it especially difficult to sleep on my right side (when I turned my head and put the right side on my pillow, the sense of "pressure" or "soreness" in my left neck was fairly uncomfortable. Lasted throughout the night. Reported this to my doctors today and they sent me to the hospital to have a "Port Study" conducted to make sure that the powerport which was inserted into my left chest wall right under the collarbone, was not blocked, etc (I guess they figured it might be related to the neck soreness as it's all in that area) Good news! No blockages, etc For whatever reason/reasons, they are not able to get a "backflow" of blood from my port--no difficulty in infusing me with the chemo, but alas, I may have to get used to being "stuck" for my blood work, instead of haveing them simply be able to access it via the port? We'll see...

Oh, guess what? I had tickets for a great Table Seat at Chastain Park tonight to go and see Stevie Wonder!!! I was really looking forward to it, however, judging from the way I felt yesterday, I felt there were too many "unknowns" and "variables" for me to want to deal with (energy, fatigue, being in crowds with a compromised immune system, plus the usually extremely long walks from the venue to parking, all in all, I decided to sell my seats to the lady who does my Radiation Therapy. All's well, that ends well! My "loss" is someone else's gain. that's cool!)

I'm really not trying to "complain" here, although that's probably exactly what the tone of this posting sounds like; I'm simply trying to reflect what the deal-i-o is and the simple reality is that this entire trip is like riding a great wave--parts of it just flow; parts are pure stagnant backwash!...

Good news, though... Week 4 is Toast!!! Bring it on, Bring it on, Bring it on. I truly want to go through whatever the hell I have to, one step at a time, and then, hopefully, step out of my own way and leave it all up to God!...

See Ya....

Vic

Before & After

Royal Society of the Dome Heads...

Well, I did it!

Last night, in a fit of "Oh Yeah? Think that was good? Wait'll you see this one!", and in a desire to shore up the illusion that "I'm in control"--tee hee-- I had the lovely Sarah Nolan, wife of my wonderful friend Travis, and Tonsorial Artiste Extraordinaire, proactively "shave" my head!

Wheeee-yew! Well saddle up my head and let me ride away on the Cosmic Oven Range...

Holy Dome-Headed BhodhiSatva, boys and girls!

Actually, it's not "bad". Seems like the jury agrees that I've got a nice round shaped head which lends itself to this looking pretty neat! (It'll just take me a couple of days to get used to the "wierd looking" guy curiously staring back at me each time I pass a mirror, though)... it certainly feels good, and--what's even better? Finally, I'm built for Speed! Ta Dah!...
Yep! I'm just one mean old aerodynamic hunk of burnin' love, baby!--sort of like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle on various "LoveDrugs"!!!

It's actually not completely "bald" in the true sense of the word but, let's put it like this: it's as "close" as you can get without being completely shaven!...

In closing, I leave you all with the following nugget to muse upon:
(Hi! Is that a "Light Bulb" on your head, or are you just happy to see me?!?!)

KMLAAY

Bhodhi-Boy

"Hiccup" in the Road...

Actually, perhaps the term "Hiccup" might be more appropriate (than "Bump").

Yesterday morning, at 7:14AM, my pump began emitting wierd sounds; sounds akin to what you might expect to come from the top of a police car! Woke my butt up! My pump had run out of 5FU. I turned it off, called the Chemo Oncologist, reported this and arranged to go in very shortly after my radiation appointment.

When I got there, they removed the pump and, after flushing my port and resticking me (not the most pleasant experience) they checked my blood results. Seems several things are low, but it was my Platelet Count that was quite low and so my Doctor elected to "Stop" the Chemo and have me come back on Friday and redo my blood. Hopefully, my body, in the absence of the chemo, will have regenerated enough platelets to bring my count up to "acceptable" levels and then I can continue with my 4 Hour Regime this coming Monday, September 10, and continue to be "on track" time-table wise!

However, if not, So Be It! I realize now it's all in Divine Timing and Order anyway!

Interesting, but there's a growing sense within me, as relates to my "Medical Oddessy", which is very reminiscent of how I felt in the aftermath of my Beloved Wife Karen's death. At the time, (September 8, 2000) I recall responding to the universal question: "How're you doing, Vic?" in the following manner: I'd say, "You know, I fully well know that, down the road, I'm going to be absolutely fine! As to "How", or "When" this will happen, well, I realy don't have any clue!"

As I said, I feel the exactly the same as relates to my current situation!

And, this brings to mind the story that my dear friend and former Minister of the Unity Church in Dunwoody, GA., Jane Waddington, shared with me when I met with her shortly after Karen's death. I shared the above sentiment with her and she proceeded to tell me this story which I later turned into a song called "Just The Next Step, Please"...

There are a group of Monks who are indigenous to a particular mountain in Tibet. Totally familiar with every inch of the rugged terrain, as not only were they born in the area but, as part of their Spiritual practice, they also traverse the mountain trails on a daily basis as well. One evening at midnight, as a rather powerful thunderstorm approaches, they come upon a stranger sitting on the mountaintop huddled into a ball, and sobbing inconsolably. Next to him is a Lantern which casts out a solitary beam of light whose arc extends out only 3 feet.

The Monks stop and enquire as to why he is so dissconsolate. He replies: I'm not familiar with this area and I'm lost! A storm is approaching... It's midnight and I have this lantern which emits but a small beam of light only three feet in distance! I'm afraid I'll never find my way off this mountain!...

The Monks reply: "My Son, Stop your crying! You have all you need! Your Lantern will allow you to see one step in front of you--that's ALL YOU NEED TO SEE as, once you take that step, the next step will present itself and will be made visible. Thus you will find your way off this Mountain and return home safely!...

So then, my work remains... to stay in the only place there ever is, anyway... right "Now" in "This Present Moment" and simply pay attention as whatever is needed is presented before me and brought into view!

Here are the words to the song's chorous:

"Just the Next Step Please"

Oh Lord up in Heaven and on Earth

Wont you Hear my Song,

I'm asking for the Wisdom & the Strength

To keep a Carryin' On,

Oh Lord, Hear the Prayer in my Heart

As I Fall to my Knees,

Won't you Show me the Way,

Just the Next Step, Please.

That's all I need,

Is Just the Next Step please...

You're all I need...

And

Just the Next Step Please!

Okey Dokey, Gotta run now... Be back later!

Who Are You?...

Om

Bhur Bhuvah Suvaha
Tat Savitor Varenyam
Bargo Devasya DiMahi
Diyo Yonah Prachodiyat
Om Shanti Shanti Shanti…


Who Are You!

You…
Who come in,
Unannounced,
Unwelcome & Unwanted…
“The” Vagabond King and Prince of Interlopers…

You…
You Outrageous Purloiner…
You who dare Steal in,
As a Thief in the Midst of Night,
While none look, nor see,
You stealthily ride the Cold Trail
Making certain
Only Muted Footsteps
Fall upon the Silent Path…

And then,
You Enter the Body-Temple
Where All are Welcome!
And gradually,
As by default,
Remaining Unnoticed,
You begin your Inexorable March
And attain
Your First Foothold…

Microscopic,
You lie Silently in Wait,
Gathering your strength,
And then,
With Slight of Hand
And Deft of Immaculate Distraction,
You Raise the Darkened Wand
And,
In a true case of “Adverse Possession”,
Nearly “Biblical” in proportion,
You strike!
And as befits only a true Magician of The Dark,
All the while Cloaked in Shadow,
You emerge,
And begin your Relentless Surge,
And in Act of Insatiable Manifestation
With Arrogance and Appetite Unbridled,

You seek to Increase your Territory,
And claim The Very Abode
As “Yours” Alone!

Who ARE You?...

Who Do You think You Are?

I’d like to know
Just why are you here…
What is it that You,
Oh Marauder of Profane Geometry,
What have you come to show me?

We are all Reflections Within the Cosmic Mirror,
And so,
I receive you,
And your offerings,
With as much Dignity and Grace as I may muster,
That I may become Still
And Rest in the Midst of your Tantalizing Riddle.

Exactly What do you have to Teach me?

How,

And in what ways,
Are you a Reflection

Of some Unloving Way
In which I View

Or Regard

MySelf?

To be continued...

An Interesting Insight

On Wednesday afternoon, a former "Teacher" of mine, Lois Grant, came over for a visit. She spent approximately 2 hours working on me in a metaphysical Healing session. Among other things we engaged in DNA clearing work and also something called Holigraphical Healing. It's way to long to go into it now, but suffice it to say, on Wednesday afternoon until bedtime, I actually felt not just "not bad" but "Good"! Also, for the entire day and night on Thursday, I felt absolutely fine! In fact, if it weren't for the reminder of my pump which I carry 24:7 around my waist, I probably would not have been consciously aware of any sense of "Dis-Ease" AT ALL!
Further, I expressed to my fiance that "today was the first day since this whole journey began, that I felt like "I didn't have cancer" or to put it a bit more accurately, : I felt no conscious awareness of having canceer, or anything else "bad" or negative going on.

This kind of stopped me in my tracks and Diane even commented that I was sending out the same kind of "signature energy" that is mine and that I used to send out. In my mind, I heard the phrase echoing: "I feel like my old self"...

I then paused and pondered on this; on what the thought was that I was witnessing and on "OK. Just "who" is it that feels like "what"? Though I didn't have an opportunity to explore this in any depth, I did get a pretty clear view that it is Whom/Whatever it is that is observing my body, my energy, my mind and thoughts/emotions, that is what I need to focus on and become immersed in. Basically, "I am" always FINE! In fact, the truth is that "I am" (who/what is watching all this) way beyond any and all momentary or transitory feelings or thoughts. I am beyond my body and, I am likewise, beyond the vehicle of my Mind. I am reminded of an old Spiritual Principal given to me back in the early 70's: "If you can see it, you can't be it!" So then, again, (and again and again and again, probably ad infinitum) my work lies in first becoming aware that I am, in truth, just the watcher, the observer, of whatever it is that I am seeing/observing, and thus I truly am Untouched by whatever it is that I am viewing, be it negative and Fear-based, or Positive and Loving. I, My "Self" am untouched, whole and pure and abolutely, 100+% "Fine"...

In closing, I leave All of You (and "All" of Me) with the following excerpt from the Kena-Upanishad:

The Enquirer asked:

'What has called my mind to the hunt? What has made my life begin? What wags in my tongue? what God has opened eye and ear?'

The teacher answered:

'It lives in all that lives, hearing through the ear, thinking through the mind, speaking through the tongue, seeing through the eye. The wise man clings neither to this nor that, rises out of sense, attains immortal life...

That which makes the tongue speak, but needs no tougue to explain, that alone is Spirit; not what sets the world by the ears.

'That which makes the mind think, but needs no mind to think, that alone is Spirit; not what sets the world by the ears.

'That which makes the eye see, but needs no eye to see, that alone is Spirit; not what sets the world by the ears.

'That which makes the ear hear, but needs no ear to hear, that alone is Spirit; not what sets the world by the ears.

'That which makes life live, but needs no life to live, that alone is Spirit; not what sets the world by the ears.'

May all of us, you and me, rest in the Peace of the Present Moment; the ineffable peace which surpasseths human understanding...

Week 2 and Counting...

Well, today began Week #2 in my Chemo/Rad routine. The plan looks like this:
Assuming my body tolerates it OK (which to date, thank God, it is), I'll be getting Chemo (Taxol, Carboplatin and the ever appropriately named 5 FU administered via Pump that is "my new best friend" and goes with me whereverI go. Basically, On the first Monday (Aug 20) on the 4th Monday (September 10) and once more on the 7th Monday (October 1) I'll go into my Oncologist's office for a 6 Hour infusion of Decodron to prevent allergic reactions, benedryl, saline and then the Taxol and Carboplatin. On every other Monday I just get the 5FU "replenished" in my pump and I'm good to go. They also check my "Power Port" (surgically placed in my left chest on 8-17. This is a cool thing as it avoids people having to constantly stick me in my veins (which I'm told would "fry" if they ever administered these drugs that way) in order to get access to my system. So far this has been fine although I must admit, if it were entirely up to me, I would probably elect to not have them stick a needle into my port (yep! right through the chest) to get the process flowing. Evidently, there is a "thread" or line attached to the port and it is threaded into one of the large veins in my left neck--sort of like an instantly accessible central line!

Since I will be "with" these 2 devices for the foreseeable future, I decided to name them. The Port I'm simply calling "Harry Porter" (Groan) and the pump, with apologies to "John from Cincinnatti" I've named "Butchie Instead". (If you're not familiar with the HBO show, please don't bother wasting your energy in trying to figure it out).

Radiation takes place every Monday through Friday at 9:15 AM and lasts for all of 15 minutes per session. (Looks like somebody's idea of a neat torture device from the Planet Zoran!)

The first week, with the exception of my "crashing" from the wired high of the Steroid/Decodron for 2 days, and experiencing a deep fatigue for about 15 hours, except for minor things like an emerging scratchy throat that wont go away, increased secretions from mucous membranes (runny nose) and the beginnings of a tingling numbness in my fingertips/toes, all in all, Thank God, I'm tolerating this pretty well. I'm trying be as "active" (although much slower paced than normal) as I can and do whatever I can physically for myself.

Saturday evening, I did feel very, very light headed for a bit and my friend Jason got me to the lazyboy, put my feet up and turned the overhead fan on full force until I "came back to myself".
That was "interesting". Thought I was going to pass out for a minute.

Oh, I put up a big wall calendar and get special relish out of marking off each day with a giant blue "X"!

What's to come?

My Doctor tells me that whenever Chemo is complete, I'll have approximately a 4-6 week window of time in which to have fairly major surgery with anywhere from a month or 2 of convalescence.

I've taken a medical leave of absence from my work and I'm very happy that my benefits are excellent as the costs of all this are truly astronomical ... (I caught a glimpse of one "line item" for a CT Scan that I had. The entire thing was around 5 Grand with, get a load of this, $1500 of it going for about 8 ounces of "Contrast" that I drank prior to the test!!! $1500 bucks for some liquid???) Hey, maybe there's a market out there for "Contrast Bars"...

Anyway, my task remains, as ever, remembering to be in each present moment:

I Choose:

To Affirm the Value Present in Each Moment

For therein lies The Presence,

The Omnipresence...

To Connect

On a Being Level

With The Presence,

So "This I Am"

Can Seemlessly Merge with,

& Dissolve into,

"That I Am"...

Om Shanthi, Shanthi, Shanthi

May Peace, & Peace, & Peace Be Everywhere

Relationship to this Disease

About 5 years ago, I was introduced to a "life changing" little book called "Purifying The Heart" by Dr. John Goldthwaite. This is about practicing a particular Spiritual discipline of "Detachment"--detaching oneself from any and all thoughts and/or underlying emotions which have the very real and practical effect of keeping our hearts "closed" to who it is that we really are--our Higher Self-- and thus leaving ourselves basically attached to some lesser egoic-level of identification with something/anything less than Ultimate Truth--Knowledge of The One which underlies all creation.

I'm not talking "intellectual philosophy" here, but instead a very pure teaching and a profoundly experiential practice that in my own case has offered several "transformational" insights that have truly altered my previous level of understanding and in fact, provided the opportunity for true "Soul-Level" growth and an expansion or raising of one's level of Consciousness!

The Hebrew poet once said: "Be still and know that I am God"...

In simplistic terms, if we can first become still and then, from this perspective of "open attention and awareness", can observe our thoughts and emotions all from this quiet and peaceful vantage point, and pray for the Grace to not get caught up in or lose ourselves in identifying with these thoughts, emotions, etc., then what can actually occur is for our Souls to receive "Love Teachings" from them, and actually get a glimpse of how these objects are actually a reflection of some unloving way in which we regard ourselves. The trick is, of course, to stay with the "watching/observing" of the thought, etc. and not get "lost" in identifying with the particular thoughtform or emotion and believing that it is "us". And then, if we are graced with being able to maintain this level of awareness, then perhaps an opportunity will arise in which our "harmful/negative/self-critical thinking will actually "burn up" or become "transmuted" in the Light of our Higher Consciousness! Should this blessing occur, we may then experience a feeling of expansion in our hearts, and take a closer step toward Unity Consciousness.

OK! So... Just what does all this have to do with cancer and with me redefining my relationship to it? For whatever reason there are, modern "Western Medical" thinking conjures up a duality between winner /loser, good/bad, black white, Yin Yang set of polar opposites. In fact, it creates a platform upon which to wage all-out war in an ultimate battle between "us" and the "disease". We want to "beat" it, to "win", to "kill" it, to fight, fight, fight!

What I'm attempting to get insight into, lies in somehow trying to reframe the relationship itself; not in adversarial terms where, for whatever reasons there may be, I am constantly in an attack mode and am hurtling spears and slinging arrows with all my might, but where I instead view "Mr. Cancer" as a late-night messenger of Love who has come to allow me by virtue of his "Love Teaching" to open and purify my Heart!

One last point... It is said that the entire Universe is nothing more than a "magic mirror" of sorts; whatever I see, hear or do ("out there") is, in reality, only, "Reflection, Re-Sound, & Re-Action. There is no inner vs. outer; in fact, this entire phenomenal Universe is simply a "Projection of our Minds in Consciousness"!

This is my first attempt...

My daughter, Ahna, just showed me how to create this site. I'll begin posting real soon.