An Interesting Insight

On Wednesday afternoon, a former "Teacher" of mine, Lois Grant, came over for a visit. She spent approximately 2 hours working on me in a metaphysical Healing session. Among other things we engaged in DNA clearing work and also something called Holigraphical Healing. It's way to long to go into it now, but suffice it to say, on Wednesday afternoon until bedtime, I actually felt not just "not bad" but "Good"! Also, for the entire day and night on Thursday, I felt absolutely fine! In fact, if it weren't for the reminder of my pump which I carry 24:7 around my waist, I probably would not have been consciously aware of any sense of "Dis-Ease" AT ALL!
Further, I expressed to my fiance that "today was the first day since this whole journey began, that I felt like "I didn't have cancer" or to put it a bit more accurately, : I felt no conscious awareness of having canceer, or anything else "bad" or negative going on.

This kind of stopped me in my tracks and Diane even commented that I was sending out the same kind of "signature energy" that is mine and that I used to send out. In my mind, I heard the phrase echoing: "I feel like my old self"...

I then paused and pondered on this; on what the thought was that I was witnessing and on "OK. Just "who" is it that feels like "what"? Though I didn't have an opportunity to explore this in any depth, I did get a pretty clear view that it is Whom/Whatever it is that is observing my body, my energy, my mind and thoughts/emotions, that is what I need to focus on and become immersed in. Basically, "I am" always FINE! In fact, the truth is that "I am" (who/what is watching all this) way beyond any and all momentary or transitory feelings or thoughts. I am beyond my body and, I am likewise, beyond the vehicle of my Mind. I am reminded of an old Spiritual Principal given to me back in the early 70's: "If you can see it, you can't be it!" So then, again, (and again and again and again, probably ad infinitum) my work lies in first becoming aware that I am, in truth, just the watcher, the observer, of whatever it is that I am seeing/observing, and thus I truly am Untouched by whatever it is that I am viewing, be it negative and Fear-based, or Positive and Loving. I, My "Self" am untouched, whole and pure and abolutely, 100+% "Fine"...

In closing, I leave All of You (and "All" of Me) with the following excerpt from the Kena-Upanishad:

The Enquirer asked:

'What has called my mind to the hunt? What has made my life begin? What wags in my tongue? what God has opened eye and ear?'

The teacher answered:

'It lives in all that lives, hearing through the ear, thinking through the mind, speaking through the tongue, seeing through the eye. The wise man clings neither to this nor that, rises out of sense, attains immortal life...

That which makes the tongue speak, but needs no tougue to explain, that alone is Spirit; not what sets the world by the ears.

'That which makes the mind think, but needs no mind to think, that alone is Spirit; not what sets the world by the ears.

'That which makes the eye see, but needs no eye to see, that alone is Spirit; not what sets the world by the ears.

'That which makes the ear hear, but needs no ear to hear, that alone is Spirit; not what sets the world by the ears.

'That which makes life live, but needs no life to live, that alone is Spirit; not what sets the world by the ears.'

May all of us, you and me, rest in the Peace of the Present Moment; the ineffable peace which surpasseths human understanding...

Week 2 and Counting...

Well, today began Week #2 in my Chemo/Rad routine. The plan looks like this:
Assuming my body tolerates it OK (which to date, thank God, it is), I'll be getting Chemo (Taxol, Carboplatin and the ever appropriately named 5 FU administered via Pump that is "my new best friend" and goes with me whereverI go. Basically, On the first Monday (Aug 20) on the 4th Monday (September 10) and once more on the 7th Monday (October 1) I'll go into my Oncologist's office for a 6 Hour infusion of Decodron to prevent allergic reactions, benedryl, saline and then the Taxol and Carboplatin. On every other Monday I just get the 5FU "replenished" in my pump and I'm good to go. They also check my "Power Port" (surgically placed in my left chest on 8-17. This is a cool thing as it avoids people having to constantly stick me in my veins (which I'm told would "fry" if they ever administered these drugs that way) in order to get access to my system. So far this has been fine although I must admit, if it were entirely up to me, I would probably elect to not have them stick a needle into my port (yep! right through the chest) to get the process flowing. Evidently, there is a "thread" or line attached to the port and it is threaded into one of the large veins in my left neck--sort of like an instantly accessible central line!

Since I will be "with" these 2 devices for the foreseeable future, I decided to name them. The Port I'm simply calling "Harry Porter" (Groan) and the pump, with apologies to "John from Cincinnatti" I've named "Butchie Instead". (If you're not familiar with the HBO show, please don't bother wasting your energy in trying to figure it out).

Radiation takes place every Monday through Friday at 9:15 AM and lasts for all of 15 minutes per session. (Looks like somebody's idea of a neat torture device from the Planet Zoran!)

The first week, with the exception of my "crashing" from the wired high of the Steroid/Decodron for 2 days, and experiencing a deep fatigue for about 15 hours, except for minor things like an emerging scratchy throat that wont go away, increased secretions from mucous membranes (runny nose) and the beginnings of a tingling numbness in my fingertips/toes, all in all, Thank God, I'm tolerating this pretty well. I'm trying be as "active" (although much slower paced than normal) as I can and do whatever I can physically for myself.

Saturday evening, I did feel very, very light headed for a bit and my friend Jason got me to the lazyboy, put my feet up and turned the overhead fan on full force until I "came back to myself".
That was "interesting". Thought I was going to pass out for a minute.

Oh, I put up a big wall calendar and get special relish out of marking off each day with a giant blue "X"!

What's to come?

My Doctor tells me that whenever Chemo is complete, I'll have approximately a 4-6 week window of time in which to have fairly major surgery with anywhere from a month or 2 of convalescence.

I've taken a medical leave of absence from my work and I'm very happy that my benefits are excellent as the costs of all this are truly astronomical ... (I caught a glimpse of one "line item" for a CT Scan that I had. The entire thing was around 5 Grand with, get a load of this, $1500 of it going for about 8 ounces of "Contrast" that I drank prior to the test!!! $1500 bucks for some liquid???) Hey, maybe there's a market out there for "Contrast Bars"...

Anyway, my task remains, as ever, remembering to be in each present moment:

I Choose:

To Affirm the Value Present in Each Moment

For therein lies The Presence,

The Omnipresence...

To Connect

On a Being Level

With The Presence,

So "This I Am"

Can Seemlessly Merge with,

& Dissolve into,

"That I Am"...

Om Shanthi, Shanthi, Shanthi

May Peace, & Peace, & Peace Be Everywhere

Relationship to this Disease

About 5 years ago, I was introduced to a "life changing" little book called "Purifying The Heart" by Dr. John Goldthwaite. This is about practicing a particular Spiritual discipline of "Detachment"--detaching oneself from any and all thoughts and/or underlying emotions which have the very real and practical effect of keeping our hearts "closed" to who it is that we really are--our Higher Self-- and thus leaving ourselves basically attached to some lesser egoic-level of identification with something/anything less than Ultimate Truth--Knowledge of The One which underlies all creation.

I'm not talking "intellectual philosophy" here, but instead a very pure teaching and a profoundly experiential practice that in my own case has offered several "transformational" insights that have truly altered my previous level of understanding and in fact, provided the opportunity for true "Soul-Level" growth and an expansion or raising of one's level of Consciousness!

The Hebrew poet once said: "Be still and know that I am God"...

In simplistic terms, if we can first become still and then, from this perspective of "open attention and awareness", can observe our thoughts and emotions all from this quiet and peaceful vantage point, and pray for the Grace to not get caught up in or lose ourselves in identifying with these thoughts, emotions, etc., then what can actually occur is for our Souls to receive "Love Teachings" from them, and actually get a glimpse of how these objects are actually a reflection of some unloving way in which we regard ourselves. The trick is, of course, to stay with the "watching/observing" of the thought, etc. and not get "lost" in identifying with the particular thoughtform or emotion and believing that it is "us". And then, if we are graced with being able to maintain this level of awareness, then perhaps an opportunity will arise in which our "harmful/negative/self-critical thinking will actually "burn up" or become "transmuted" in the Light of our Higher Consciousness! Should this blessing occur, we may then experience a feeling of expansion in our hearts, and take a closer step toward Unity Consciousness.

OK! So... Just what does all this have to do with cancer and with me redefining my relationship to it? For whatever reason there are, modern "Western Medical" thinking conjures up a duality between winner /loser, good/bad, black white, Yin Yang set of polar opposites. In fact, it creates a platform upon which to wage all-out war in an ultimate battle between "us" and the "disease". We want to "beat" it, to "win", to "kill" it, to fight, fight, fight!

What I'm attempting to get insight into, lies in somehow trying to reframe the relationship itself; not in adversarial terms where, for whatever reasons there may be, I am constantly in an attack mode and am hurtling spears and slinging arrows with all my might, but where I instead view "Mr. Cancer" as a late-night messenger of Love who has come to allow me by virtue of his "Love Teaching" to open and purify my Heart!

One last point... It is said that the entire Universe is nothing more than a "magic mirror" of sorts; whatever I see, hear or do ("out there") is, in reality, only, "Reflection, Re-Sound, & Re-Action. There is no inner vs. outer; in fact, this entire phenomenal Universe is simply a "Projection of our Minds in Consciousness"!

This is my first attempt...

My daughter, Ahna, just showed me how to create this site. I'll begin posting real soon.