Status Update

First, I want to thank everyone for all the prayers and support! Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I know I can thank you on behalf of Jessie and Diane. Most importantly, Thank You from my dad!

(Please bare with me as I write this. I am exhausted and have had very little sleep!)

Thursday was a long day of waiting. My dad checked into the hospital around 5:30 AM. They gave him a "don't care" shot and he was very cute. All smiles :-) Suddenly, he appeared small and fragile to me. This was despite the fact that in general, he's been looking the best he had since he finished his chemo and radiation. But it was time for them to wheel him away and I remember thinking that I wasn't ready even though he was. It was shortly after 7 when they took him away.

Jessie, Diane and I went to the waiting room where we took up residence. We waited and waited. We got few updates. Mostly it was just that he was "still in surgery" and it was "going well." After what seemed like ages, they told us they were beginning the "thorachotomy"... (I'm still not positive which part that was). And finally, we were told it was over! I think it was after 3 PM. Please keep in mind that all day I noticed surgeons coming out and speaking with family members. Suddenly, a volunteer came to us and told us that she was going to escort us to a room for the surgeon to be able to speak with us privately. When we got in the room I asked Diane what she thought about this and she confessed that she was nervous. I just kept thinking about all those surgeons I had seen talking to family members out in the main waiting room. Then I said a silent prayer, and remembered that God is in control. Let go, let God...

Dr. Moore (sp?) came in and said it went well. It was even one of the best he's ever seen! He could tell how excited we were to hear that. However, he cautioned us that my dad "isn't out of the woods yet." There can be any number of complications because this was such a major surgery and he wouldn't be cleared as "good to go" till at least 5 days post-op in the ICU. It would be another 45 minutes or so before we could see my dad. Dr. Moore also said that we should be prepared to see him with a ventilator for a couple of days and that he might look like he had been hit by a truck. ;-)

We rushed up to the ICU as soon as we were allowed. We walked around a little lost and saw a pale bald cancer patient, fresh out of surgery, on a ventilator and looking "like he was hit by a truck." We told the nurse showing us around that we thought it was him... Oooops... Just another pale bald man. Then from down the hall, I turned to see my dad being wheeled towards us on his bed. Not only was there no ventilator attached to him, but he was smiling a huge smile and holding BOTH thumbs up! The nurse who was wheeling him stopped and said he did great and that he thought he might have had the wrong patient because my dad was doing so well! He was talking and alert! I had honestly feared that he wouldn't have even known that I was here the entire time of my visit. Everyone was so impressed! All the nurses commented on how wonderfully he was doing. After they got him settled we finally got to have a nice little visit. What an amazing sigh of relief!

Let me just tell you about the tubes and wires. He is WIRED! There are so many tubes and wires coming out every which way! There is a nasal intubation (NG Tube) that is sewn into his nose. He doesn't like it. hehe - who would? But he's adorable. So cute trying to look at the tube at the end of his nose, crossing his eyes. He had an epidural as well. I told him now that we have something in common and that I LOVED my epidural! (Personally, with Jacob, I professed my undying love to my anesthesiologist.) He's got a wired button to call the nurse, a wired button for pain meds, and he has his own "harry potter wand." Its a tube for suction like at the dentist. He was waving it around saying "expelaramous!" I love that he has a sense of humor!

Last night he had no pain, per se, but he had a lot of discomfort. Unfortunately today, as the epidural wore off, he began to experience pain in his chest where there is an incision. But, when we left the hospital tonight, with the help of new pain meds, he was back to "discomfort" so I felt good about that.

I am sure that there is much that I am forgetting. But he is doing so well. OH - I forgot - he got up today and was placed in a chair! Sitting up! What a big boy :-). He is an overachiever and I know he wants his recovery to be as quick as possible, but he's going to have to take it easy. :-D

We took some photos so you can see all the tubes! Fun fun! Enjoy!

Please continue to send your powerful thoughts and prayers his way. Thank you!
Ahna

The Equal Validity Of Dreams...

“Remember Mind; REMEMBER!”… Back to Basics

(This quote above is from The Ten Principal Upanishads)

As CEO of “Get Well, Inc.”, I now find myself faced with a choice. Since this is my blog, I can choose to write in whatsoever a manner I find pleasing. What I’ve decided, is to put down the mantle of “propriety” and stop saying what I think I should! Instead, I’m now going to venture a little farther out on the limb and simply speak from my heart with “Integrity”! No self-judgment—neither condemnation, nor praise—likewise no self-criticism nor approval seeking. As Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen, author of a fantastic book called “Kitchen Table Wisdom” says, for our lives to move forward and allow our life force to grow it is best to operate from our “Wholeness”… perceived warts and all, otherwise, the limiting space that arises between our spontaneous thought processes and our ensuing editorial judgments as to how to best present our thoughts, can actually be quite stifling (as far as letting our truth blossom)…

I recently sent the following “Progress Report out to about 75 people via email:

Got some "Good News" on Monday. Met with my Oncologist (the Chemo doc who's been coordinating everything). Basically, he reviewed all the tests of last week (the Endoscope on the 24th and the CT/PET Scan of the 25th). All the biopsies came back absolutely NEGATIVE, i..e., no signs of any cancer. That said, he then, of course, "hedged his bets" by saying that the lower walls of the esophogus remained somewhat narrowed and thickened, which could (and which I believe is the case) be due to the aftereffects of the radiation therapy, however it could also possibly be some residual tumer or cancer cells embedded in the esophogeal walls. Unfortunately, or whatever, the only way to know is to "cut it out" (i.e. Surgery) and examine it via a pathology report. This is the course that it seems like everybody, with the exception of Dr. Li, seem to want to follow as it does offer the greatest chances of full recovery and "cure".
So, while I cant absolutely say I am "Cancer Free", this is the best news that I could have gotten and all indications are as positive as they can be and I choose to attest to and affirm that "I Am Cancer FREE"!!!

I met with the Surgeon yesterday, Dr John E. Moore at St. Joseph's Hospital. As my goal, all along, ever since first discovering all this back on August 6, has been, and continues to be "Get all this behind me and then to move forward with my life, As Soon As Possible" I decided, after meeting with him and discussing all of it, and then being quiet for 10 minutes and asking Baba for an answer to the question "Should I go ahead and have this surgery and should I do it with this surgeon?" (the answer I heard was an immediate, "Yes... Yes... Yes"), I told him I decided to do this and to go ahead and schedule it ASAP. I'll find out pretty soon exactly when this will be; the best he was able to guestimate was "sometime in November/December". They have to coordinate 2 surgeons' schedules, etc., (a General Surgeon whom Dr Moore works with all the time who will be making an incision and removing part of my abdomen, hopefully as little as possible, and then Dr Moore would turn me onto my left side, make an incision in my right side, and remove what sounds like quite a sizable portion of my esophogus, he'd then pull what's remaining of my stomach up into my right chest, lay it against my spine and reattach via staple, the remaining ends of my stomach to my esophogus. The whole operation takes about 6 hours! It all sounded quite frightening and, in many regards, it was one of the scariest discussions I've ever participated in! While each individual is unique, and this includes their inner life force and healing abilities, he expects me to be in the ICU, possibly on a ventilator at the beginning, for up to a week and then in the Hospital for probably a total of 10 days to 2 weeks, during which time I'll be fed via feeding tubes, etc. He expects that it'll take up to 6 months to "recover" fully from the operation, i. e. to not only heal, but to regain my energy, etc.

I asked what are the "odds" if I elected Not to do the surgery, and he told me that the people who choose this course are looking at a 30% survivor rate, overall, without recurrence, etc. In fact, when I asked him this particular question, he gestured toward the door and told me that the gentleman in the room right across the hall, did exactly this. In 2006, he underwent Radiation and Chemo for esophogeal cancer, and from that time till now, (and no less than 5 subsequent endoscopies alll showed no evidence of cancer) until recently, when he cancer "came back"! Now, the ONLY option he has is surgery and the chances are "iffy"... Also, 5% of the people operated on develop a condition while in the hospital, I believe, where their lungs "weep" (sounds to me like they take on fluid and basically cant breathe) and they then die. I asked about mortality rates from this surgery (and here again, I'll take these odds!!!) I'm not sure if it's 8% or 12% overall who die--and this is from "all kinds of things", i.e., having heart attacks long after the surgery, etc.

Basically, it seems that the "best course and best practices according to the Western Medical community", seem to definitely point to surgery, if for no other reason than the only way they can be certain that there are no remaining cancer cells, is to do the surgery and then examine microscopically via pathology the removed tissue... (By the way, my brain CT Scan and my PET Scan all are excellent and do NOT show any additional traces of cancer in my body!)

Anyway, this is the latest I have to report! To sum it up... looks like one more, major, life-altering, hurdle and then, God Willing, "Let's keep on rockin' in the free world"!!!

Thanks for all your love, energy, support and prayers on my behalf!

KMLAAY

Victor

Ok! That’s what I sent out… In perspective, I’d say that about 95% of the responses were extremely positive, wishing me well and promising to keep me in their prayers, and offering various forms of support! That’s the good news. The next day, I received no less than 4 communications of a “questioning” nature re my decision to proceed along the course I had set before me.

The first was from a dear friend who simply strongly suggested I get a second opinion before proceeding with something which was potentially so “life altering”… (Ostensibly, this certainly makes good sense, and if the shoe were on the other foot, I’d possibly/probably make a similar type suggestion myself!)…

The second one was from a “Healer” and woman whom I greatly respect and who, also, suggested a seek out a second opinion only this one with a “naturopath” (i.e., a person who works along an alternate path advocating good health via proper nutrition, like a raw food diet, etc.). This one, personally, did not resonate comfortably.

Then came the “humdinger”… The person who wrote it I truly love and respect. He sent me no less than 11 websites and/or places to go on the internet, strongly letting me know that I should hold off my pending course of action for at least 6 months and research it thoroughly and completely as this surgery was so highly invasive, complex, and potentially life altering/threatening, etc. He went on to give an example of how he had stopped a pending surgery on his wife’s foot the weekend prior to her surgery as he had discovered that other people who went through this were each in quite a bit of pain and discomfort, a couple of years after their operations, and whatever alternative course of action my friend chose to pursue, his wife is now fine and very comfortable in this regard! Implicit (and explicit) was his view that the particular surgeon in question was out to make a few bucks at his wife’s “expense”! By the way, this individual (my friend) was the former head of training for a huge Corporation which manufactures, among other medical products, defibrillators. He went on further to tell me that in his experience, having trained more than 3000 cardiac surgeons during his 25 year tenure with his company, that about 98% of this population seemed to have their—in my own words, here—hearts in their pocketbooks! Now remember, this is a friend of mine whom I feel very close to, and whose base of medical knowledge is certainly well beyond mine.

And lastly, a wonderful and life long friend of my family’s, an RN who was probably my wife’s closest and dearest friend ever since my family first moved to Georgia in 1983, and who currently works with these kinds of “Radical-Surgery-Patients” every day, began her conversation with me by questioning whether I was sure that this (my own upcoming surgery) was the correct thing for me to do!!! (To set the record absolutely straight, she did say that whatever I decided to do, that she would be support me in my decision and be there for me in whatever capacity I might require.)…

Well, now, I don’t know about you, dear reader, but to say that this boy was definitely “thrown for a loop”, is an understatement of “Biblical Proportions”! Every one of these well intentioned people’s own doubts and fears, began playing with and fogging up the mirror of my own mind, until they all coalesced into a cacophonous crescendo of confusion and uncertainty! Forget my own practices and disciplines of asking for and then going with my inner guidance; forget that the seeds of this course of action (the surgery that I am going to have) was planted in a totally straightforward and unambiguous fashion from day one by my own chemo and radiation oncologists; forget that I myself was expecting this from the get-go; all I know is that—let’s call it what it is—fear took over with every bit of its nagging power and seemingly occupied the conscious forefront of my heart and mind!

OK Sportsfans, lets flash forward! It’s now about a week since I sat and wrote the above. I’ve just returned from the “second opinion” by a surgeon who himself was diagnosed with throat cancer some 4 years prior. He absolutely concurred with my intended course of action and was even a bit more pessimistic as to the odds of my not having surgery and then experiencing a recurrence (The first surgeon said the odds were in the 30% category—i.e., only 30% of those electing to forego surgery would not have a recurrence, whereas this second doctor said that he thought the odds were actually closer to about only 20% of those electing to take a “surgical pass” would not experience a recurrence. While I realize that “statistics can be one of the largest sources of lies known to man” I still find these ratios powerfully compelling!

I also have to realize that regardless of anybody else’s concerns and loving and good intentions for my wellbeing, that each person out there views the world through their own filters and perceptions and that their “dream” is no more “real” than is “mine”! (Actually, for me myself, my own “dream” is what I must learn to honor, believe in, and ultimately, live!)

I am reminded of a Toltec wisdom book called “The Four Agreements”. In it, the author, Don Miguel Ruiz perceives “reality” from a heightened state of awareness and then relates that each of us perceives the world from our own limited point of view; actually, he says that each of us, in an unlimited state of awareness are like “shining mirrors” simply reflecting the light (or Universal Consciousness) and that when we return to our “normal” state of awareness, that our mirrors become covered with a coating or substance which substantially alters the light that we can then reflect. He says that we each live in our own “dream”, and therefore, the “third” agreement is: “Never take anything that anyone else says, or does, personally” , (as their perception is simply that individual’s “own dream”—valid for themselves, no doubt, but not necessarily valid for anyone else! Thus, it seems to me that part of my present work is for me to simply remember the following:

I’ve got my own dreams from, and in which, to view the world!

Interesting, but I just received another email from the woman I referred to above—the healer who suggested that I seek out a naturopath for a 2nd opinion. Now you’ve got to understand, I really believe that this is a lady of great intelligence and wisdom, and whose words, and views, I truly admire and respect. However, Not for Me and Not in My Case!!!

Following is part of her email:

I must tell you that I would prefer to see you take six months and make the lifestyle, emotional and thinking changes that will support a cancer-free body rather than have that surgery. If you don’t do those things, the cancer is likely to come back after your surgery. Tell the doctors you want to do “watchful waiting.” What would Sai Baba say?

My response:

(Name withheld), First of all, I think you know that I am deeply respectful of your wisdom and being, and truly honor the "testament" that you are to what you have achieved with your own healing.
That said, as we are all different, all that each of us can do is get in touch with his or her own self; get quiet, meditate, pray, etc., and then decide what is best for our own selves. As for me, after a period of weighing all kinds of factors, I've come to a decision which is different from what it is that you are saying you'd prefer that I do. I've spent a great deal of time ever since first becoming aware of this condition back in August, in working as best I know how, along with loving guidance and prayers, etc., from a great deal of people (yourself certainly included in these), to guard my thinking, to be centered and truly live in each present moment (where Presence lives and fear does not); while I haven't become a "raw food exclusive" eater, my diet has changed considerably towards the "healthy", and I've sought Spiritual guidance from a number of respected sources, and taken from each of these that which has resonated as comfortable and valid for me, and tried as best I know how to incorporate this into my "daily routine". I believe, over all, I am a better person as a result!
Yesterday, I sat for a 2nd opinion from a chemo oncologist at Piedmont Hospital, who had himself been diagnosed, 4 years ago, with throat cancer. While this is certainly different from what it is that I have, he was even more "pessimistic" about the "odds" of surviving long term without recurrence should I elect to not have the surgery. (My own surgeon told me around 30% of people who don't have surgery and have esophogeal cancer are ok--meaning that 70% have a recurrence; this new doctor said he'd suspect that the odds were really closer to only 20%!)
All along, one of my stated main goals in this journey, has been to do whatever necessary in order to "get this all behind me as quickly as possible, so that I could then get on with the rest of my life, also as quickly as possible!" While a 6 month hiatus doesn't sound "long" from a "remainder of my life" perspective, from the space-time frame of reference of "what I've been through and what I'm presently going through" it feels "too long" for me. (There are also practical matters such as economics--i.e., I'd need to return to work which would jeopardize the disability income that I'm currently receiving). As far as “what would Sai Baba say?”: While I certainly cannot claim to "speak for him", I believe that I did hear him very clearly when I became silent and asked him the following question:
"Swami! Should I have this surgery, and should I have it with this surgeon?".
(By the way, I've done this particular exercise—I’m not sure but I'd guestimate that it's been around slightly less than a total of 10 times throughout my life—and what I can say with "hindsight being 20-20”, and absolute certainty, is that each time I did this, the answer I received was 100% True and that furthermore, this practice has "Never let me down!") The answer that I heard to this specific question was an extremely clear, "Yes! Yes! Yes!”)
(Name withheld), while I deeply appreciate your concerns and your wishes, I believe that in the past (and I forget what the context was) you said something to the effect that whereas some course of action might not be the one that would work for you that the being who made that decision was to be honored. (Remember now, I'm probably taking liberties in paraphrasing you here, but my point, I believe, will resonate with you.) So, while you would apparently choose a very different course of action, I'd sincerely hope that you'd honor whatever course I may choose for myself that would be comfortable for me; and, if possible, that you would continue to send me all of your love and support for "the perceived reality of my own being and my own journey"...
Also, during the approximately 6 months that it'll take for me to heal and recover from the surgery, I don't see why I couldn't use this period of time to "make the lifestyle, emotional and thinking changes that will support a cancer-free body"?
Belive me, (Name withheld), while I do appreciate your concerns, very honestly, what I need in my life now, are those people who, because of their love for me, can/will love and support me in my own health decisions, even though they may differ from their own.
Thank you again for everything that you've already done for me and on my behalf, and I sincerely hope that you'll be there for me in the same capacity going forward!
I love you very much, and thanks again!
Victor

Again, all I can do is to view the world as I will and then to refer to it from my own “integrity”! May the Loving Lord of All The Worlds bless and love me, you, and everyone!

OM
Loka Samastha, Sukino Bhavantu,
Loka Samastha, Sukino Bhavantu,
Loka Samastha, Sukino Bhavantu,
Om, Shanthi, Shanthi, Shanthi!

Translation:

“May All The Beings, In All The Worlds, Always Be Happy,
Peace… Peace… Peace…”

So then, as I said earlier, “Back to Basics”: My present work is to focus on the following:

1) I Am “That” I Am…
2) The only “Reality” is This Present Moment, “The Eternal NOW”…
3) My current full-time job, consists simply of being conscious and “Remembering
Number 2”!...

My Miracle--Can I hear an "Amen"?

My Miracle:

“Faith” is resting assured and certain, in things unseen…

While this one might not move any mountains, all I know is that the sun definitely rose over my own heart! Without going into too much detail, when it comes to matters of “Faith”, I personally believe the following:

There is a Loving, and Universal Creative Principal, whose “Nature” is comprised of three essential aspects:

1 ) All-Consciousness (Omnipresence)
2) All-Knowledge (Omniscience) and
3) Bliss: (this one equates to, and contains, what is often referred to as Omnipotence)… Actually, the word “Bliss” to me connotes an everlasting State of Spiritual or Transcendent Ecstasy, which transcends our normal perceptions of “emotional movement” along the transitory / momentary continuum of , “Joy & Sorrow”…

Furthermore, this “Principal” is All Embracing as well as All Inclusive. It is, at one and the same time, within manifest creation, as well as beyond it… It is, very simply, anything and everything that ever has been, is now, or will ever come into existence; it is both “The Manifest” and “Un-Manifest” and, if such a concept can even be sensibly expressed, what lies beyond these poles…

Different people refer to it by whichever particular names and or forms they may personally regard as “adorable”… Each and everyone of these views, to my mind, is correct! For now, I will simply refer to this object of adoration, or worship, as “God”. My understanding of “God” is that It is, quite simply, the totality of everything that exists—a Source of Energy manifesting as the Essence of every single life-form, animate or inanimate, which “comes into creation”. If you think of this all encompassing “Energy” as a “Sub-stratum” over, or around which beings embody, then you’ve come pretty close to sharing my understanding…

I once attended a School in New York City, which referred to this as “The Absolute” and, as I recall, they used to say that if you reject The Absolute “anywhere” you reject it “everywhere”… This continues to resonate as “True” to this day.

Without trying to push my views on anyone, I have personally enjoyed calling out to God by a particular Name and Form which is very dear to my own heart, and which has come about as a result of some very deeply intimate and compelling personal experiences which I feel extremely blessed to have been able to participate in, over the years…

So then, I do believe in, and “follow”, a particular “Channel” or “Vehicle”, to which I call out in times of personal need, and which I worship and adore, and, which allows me to feel, and have, a “personal connection/relationship” with “God”… The particular Name / Form that I’m referring to is an 82 year old Indian Gentleman by the name of Sai Baba…

The only other thing I need to share, which will shed light on the following, is that one of his “hallmarks” lies in his power to “manifest” anything—from “nowhere”, or “non-existence” if you will, into this dimension of plain physical reality or “material existence”. That’s right, and, I’ve personally witnessed a few of these “miraculous” acts of manifestation right before my own eyes—once from a distance of less than 2 feet away! (By the way, He refers to these acts as his “calling cards”, and then goes on to further elucidate : (to paraphrase) “I give them what they want so that I can get their attention; and then I give them what it is that I have come to give"...

Probably one of the most “commonly recurrent” objects he manifests is a fine “powdery” substance which emanates from, and then pours out of his palm; this is called “Vhibhuti” (pronounced: Vi (as in Victor) -boo-tee). This substance is both highly fragrant and has often been known to have highly potent healing powers for individuals, regarding infirmities and diseases both minor and life threatening. I equate it to “Holy Ash”; this can be either applied (i.e. rubbed onto the body physically), or ingested (i.e. swallowed directly or mixed into water and then drunk)…

In any event, 2 Saturday nights ago, I felt like attending a worship service which is held on a weekly basis here in Atlanta. The last meeting I attended was sometime back in July, prior to discovering I had cancer. I simply felt like having my “batteries re-charged”!

While driving there, the thought came to mind that I’d really like to get some vhibhuti from the center so that I could take it back home with me, and that I’d really like to get some type of “special” vhibhuti—i.e., a type made directly by Baba himself and not the other kind that is made in his Ashram, (Spiritual enclave) and then is blessed by him. Anyway, these were the thoughts that ran through my mind.

I attended the service and, after its conclusion, I remained sitting for a little while afterwards, lost in my own meditation and inner reflection. Upon opening my eyes, I noticed that the entire room (which had previously been filled with approximately 100 people) was now completely empty save 2 other individuals along with myself. I stood up and made to leave. Immediately before walking out the door, I saw that one of the remaining gentleman was an acquaintance of mine who was kind of highly placed on the “food chain” within the U.S. organizational structure. He, thus, would have been "the perfect” person for me to have made my request of. When he saw me, he extended his hand and asked how I was. I told him “wonderful” and that I believed that Baba was curing me. We then hugged, and for some unknown reason I chose not to say anything further. I then left the room, went downstairs, put my shoes on and returned upstairs.

As I was heading for the exit door, an older gentleman, whom I had met back in 98 when I first began attending the meetings at the center, noticed me and inquired as to how I was. I told him that I thought that Baba was curing me of cancer! Without a word, he reached into his pocket, and pulled out a packet of the most wonderfully fragrant Vhibhuti which he handed to me. He then told me that he had recently visited Baba in India and that he was with him when Baba had stood in front of 9 large empty jars. Upon a wave of his hand, each of the jars became full of this vhibhuti. I was stunned and, aside from profusely expressing my gratitude, felt tears of joy welling up within me as I felt certain that Baba was answering my prayer!

Coincidence? You may say so; personally, I don’t believe in “accidents”; and I further believe “that there isn’t a blade of grass that blows, except by the Will of God”! All I can say is that in my heart I know that God is with me, he knows about what I’m going through, and this was my own clear sign that he’s letting me know that I’ll be all right!!!

Praise God! Praise God! Praise God!

Can I hear an “AMEN”?!!!