What I Know...

The correct answer is "Nothing"...

Thousands of years ago, Plato was proclaimed by the Delphic Oracle to be the wisest man in Ancient Greece. This pronouncement came as Plato responded to the same question asked of everyone visiting the Oracle:

"What do you know?"

Plato's response:

"All I know, is that I know nothing!"...

Today, as I sit here in Victorville, immersing myself in the view appearing within my field of vision; my mind stills and, in place of the incessant, white-noise of neverending Mind-Chatter, I find my own Consciousness seamlessly dissolving and then connecting with an all pervading silence. This substratum of stillness underlies everything, until there finally emerges a point at which there is no separation/distinction between what is seen/heard, and what is seeing/hearing. From within this Sacred Space of Holy Stillness and Pre-Intention, my mind dissolves into a vast and omni-dimensional zero point field whose essence is "All that Was, Is, and Ever More Shall Be"...

This Grand Convergence leads to a Portal into Unity Consciousness upon whose Gatepost the following is inscribed:

Greetings Oh One

Who at last is seeking...

Before you lies a world bristling with Infinite Potential;

A straight and narrow pathway bridging the Unmanifest and Manifest, the Nameless and Named; the Tao and the 10,000 things.

The only requirement for entry is Total Surrender...

Breathe In...

Let Go...

Allow...

And simply Rest in Being...

Your Presence here today,

Has long been preceeded,

On your part,

By the Burning Flame of Desire.

This Flame of Desire:

To Have...

To Do...

To Be...

Lay dormant and smoldering,

Within the very core of your Being,

Throughout the endless parade of time,

Throughout innumerable past-lives, births and deaths,

Your Soul has finally chosen to embark upon its ultimate path...

Welcome to a New World;

A world whose landscape,

Though formerly strewn with the decaying wreckage of past desire,

Now lies open before you;

A New Space...

Open, Pristine & Pure,

Unfettered & free;

A New Space...

Whose sole Price of Admission,

Manifests simply in the Wake of Conscious Choice;

The Choice:

To No Longer Desire...

Welcome and GodSpeed...

Victor-ville

Week 5: "Burnt Toast"...

Well, as week Five draws to an end, here's the latest...

Just as the good folks from the land of "Radiation R Us" have been promising, my challenges seemingly grow larger. Its getting harder and harder to simply swallow. Yesterday, (Wednesday), I had difficulty in swallowing a couple of small sips of water! Breakfast: it was all I could do to get 2 spoonsful of peanut butter down. Today, I awoke before the alarm, which I set daily for 8AM, due to the "pain" in my esophagus. The best way to describe it is to say I feel like somebody's been using the inside of my chest as a punching bag!

The nurse, Brenda, at the Radiation place sat me down today (Thursday) and, after reviewing my growing level of alarm re my discomfort, told me that it's really "OK for me to take Percoset pretty much round the clock". In fact, after I go to sleep tonight, I'll set my alarm for about 4 hours later, take another dose, and then return to sleep. As soon as I got home this morning, I took my first one at 10 AM; it took a good hour and a half until I finally felt relief. So, boys 'n' girls, evidently the "trick" here seems to lie in "Preventing" or "Managing" the pain by taking "mother's little helper" on a continuous basis. It's now 5:30PM and I'll take dose number 3 in about a half hour (took a second one at 2PM...)



Wierd, but right now I'm actually feeling "good"! The progression pretty much flowed from "agony", to "tolerable", to no pain or "not feeling actively bad", to "feeling good" as I do now! Around 2 PM, I finally managed to eat some soup followed by a cheese quesadilla that Jessie brought over. It's amazing just how depleted your entire energy can become (and thus the quality of your life) if you've got to focus on just being still and letting the pain subside. What's causing this is the continual bombardment of radiation to the insides of my esophagus. It's like taking a highly internally sunburned area and then constantly reexposing it to more "sun", and then more, etc., etc., etc...

The subtle stigmas we all carry with us throughout life are really amazing. There's just so much tribal trash stored in the collective unconscious mascarading as wisdom. I mean, here I am trying to be a brave and good boy by NOT taking the pain medication I've been given, as if there's some kind of virtue in struggling heroically with pain and discomfort on my "own"... Duh-uhhh! Wrong-O, Bong-O! I mean, didn't the Buddha say that "Suffering is Selective"? (Actually, I just came up with that) Buddha said that Life just "Is" and how we choose to perceive it--positive or negative--is a matter of personal choice and there, in the wake of the ensuing attachment, lies the potential (and realization) of "suffering". In retrospect, it seems like a no brainer.

(Philosophical "Tidbit")... Speaking of "Attachment"...

One can be attached either to getting something (obtaining it, etc.) or, on the opposite side of the coin, to NOT getting it --i.e., The "Attachmment Spectrum" seems to range from Desire (want of gain) on one hand to Aversion (fear of loss) on the other. If you're attached to either outcome, (Presence or Absence) you're trapped, caught-up or stuck! Welcome to the Human Condition! Throughout recorded history the great Spiritual Masters & Teachers (Buddha, Christ, Baba, etc.) all seem to refer to a sort of "middle-ground" or space located in the Here & Now, the Present, wherein all perception and ensuing action can be conducted without any "taint". Without any claim or sense of "Hey Ma, look at Me! I'm the Doer here; Aren't I great?" on any level so that any action we perform is simply a matter of Pure Observation within Consciousness itself, and our "response" is in accordance with Knowledge arising within that Present moment. This then, especially when performed without regard to "results", creates a "clean and taintless" or "pure" action, which then can ultimately lead one to "Liberation" as eventually, no further Karma will be created as that action is free from any "claim" or ego derived color...

It's rather amazing but if one gets to a point of simply living in the Present Moment, then statements like "God is the Only "Doer" not only make sense, but can truly be appreciated as well!

Well, then, Week 5 is history or "Burnt" Toast!... (I'm looking forward to Monday, as that will be my LAST DAY OF RADIATION and the 5 FU!!!

Onward & Inward...

Welcome to Victor-Ville

Since I'm spending virtually all my time these days in my home, I'd like to explain a couple of things...

A few months ago, a good friend of mine, Jason Hughes-- AKA the "Madman from Manchester"--, was visiting with me one evening along with another wonderful guy, Mr. Sammy Jackson (we all work / work-ed together at Reed). We found ourselves outside in the backyard area of my townhome. Now I've been tremendously blessed to have secured a wonderful "end" location of my townhome, and I really lucked out because my backyard has an additional 10-15 feet of space which runs from the end of my double-slab concrete pattio, right up to the black wrought iron fence.

It's what's beyond the fence that's awesome...

There's this area of "woods" (nothing but dense hardwoods and pinetrees, etc. which then run for an addtional 50 yards or so) All you can see is "trees". This will never be developed hence I have a feeling of extreme Privacy, Nature and Solitude as far as the eye can see. (It's like my own little private nature preserve). Anyway, the three of us are sitting on my pattio, just looking out into the "greenery" and Jason turns to Sammy, gestures towards the woods and says, "Welcome to Victorville"! I loved it! Brought a huge smile to my face and Heart. Since that time, I've come to lovingly refer to my backyard as "Victorville". I actually am in the process of writing a song the first verse of which goes like this:

Well I'm sitting out here in Victorville,
Working on an early Autumn chill,
And wondering if the weather will or wont;

All I can say is I don't know,
Sometimes it's stop, and sometimes go,
The only question's will I do or dont...

(to be continued)

I have this one little sign up on the fence that says "Oh my, How Truly Delightful Life Really Is..."

Occupying the pattio Slab is my grill, a small circular stone table on which I'm writing this as we speak, with 2 swivel chairs, my double glider, my rocker, and my meditation chair.

And then, my Pride and Joy, "The Froggy Bottom Boys"! Yep! One by one, I discovered these three blue painted sheet-metal sculpted frogs--got them one at a time simply because I liked 'em! The first one (I'm currently working on names) is playing guitar, the second one is laying down a nice beat on some bongos, and the last one--got him on August 13, as a birthday present to myself-- is playing what appears to be an accordion of sorts. They're all singing or croaking along. I've got them placed together as an obvious trio. A couple days after, while visiting Harry's Farmers Market, I discovered this metallic "ball" (looks like the earth) atop a "stand" which spirals down into the ground. I've strategically placed this in front of "The Boys" so that it totally resembles a Microphone into which they're all singing. Lastly, I found some pinecones and placed them, one each, on the front part of their hats.

Jason came up with their name; if you recall, a couple years ago, George Clooney made a movie, based on Homer's Oddessy called, "Oh Brother Wherefore Art Thou". In it, there's this bluegrass singing group called the "Soggy Bottom Boys"... Well, the group in my backyard is now lovingly called "The Froggy Bottom Boys"... They are currently working on their first, soon to be nationally released "hit" --working title: The Smoking Raisins! Don't ask...

I've asked my daughter Ahna to post a few pictures of The Boys here, and also one of my daughter Jessie and me. This is a beautiful picture, I love it as you can feel the love in it, and, I'm wearing a present that she gave me, a soft, light-blue fleeced sockhat so my dome wont get too chilly...

Later Alligator,
Not so soon Baboon,
Gotta Blog, Frog...

(Groan, or maybe "Ribbit")!!!

Week Number 4 (and counting): Toast!

Hard to believe, but it's been a friggin' month since I began my treatment. On one hand, it seems like "yesterday", on the other, it feels like for-e-v-e-r... Overall, Great! Physically, definitely becoming more of a challenge. Sometimes I feel like I got hit by the Energy Depletion Truck! And, as they said, the simple act of eating is becoming an awful lot like "Work" to me!....
I've got to maintain my weight and this means eating; that said, do you know what it's like to cut your food into tiny morsels and then very thoroughly and slowly, chew, chew, chew it and then --Gulp! Good luck in swallowing! Feels like the inside of my esophagus is "bruised" and after literally 2 swallow, I need to forceably rest and drink water and then wait until the feeling of "fullness" subsides, so that I can continue. Last night it took me approximately 45 minutes just to almost finish what was on my plate. Oh well, this too shall pass...

Thank goodness I haven't had to deal with "nausea" perse, however yesterday I was feeling extremely "queasy" which was relieved by gingerale and, I bought some chrystallized ginger from New Zealand at Whole Foods, which also helped...

Last night, I had some discomfort in lifting my head straight up from my pillow (my Left Neck area felt extremely muscularly fatigued--fkind of "sore" and "achey"--found it especially difficult to sleep on my right side (when I turned my head and put the right side on my pillow, the sense of "pressure" or "soreness" in my left neck was fairly uncomfortable. Lasted throughout the night. Reported this to my doctors today and they sent me to the hospital to have a "Port Study" conducted to make sure that the powerport which was inserted into my left chest wall right under the collarbone, was not blocked, etc (I guess they figured it might be related to the neck soreness as it's all in that area) Good news! No blockages, etc For whatever reason/reasons, they are not able to get a "backflow" of blood from my port--no difficulty in infusing me with the chemo, but alas, I may have to get used to being "stuck" for my blood work, instead of haveing them simply be able to access it via the port? We'll see...

Oh, guess what? I had tickets for a great Table Seat at Chastain Park tonight to go and see Stevie Wonder!!! I was really looking forward to it, however, judging from the way I felt yesterday, I felt there were too many "unknowns" and "variables" for me to want to deal with (energy, fatigue, being in crowds with a compromised immune system, plus the usually extremely long walks from the venue to parking, all in all, I decided to sell my seats to the lady who does my Radiation Therapy. All's well, that ends well! My "loss" is someone else's gain. that's cool!)

I'm really not trying to "complain" here, although that's probably exactly what the tone of this posting sounds like; I'm simply trying to reflect what the deal-i-o is and the simple reality is that this entire trip is like riding a great wave--parts of it just flow; parts are pure stagnant backwash!...

Good news, though... Week 4 is Toast!!! Bring it on, Bring it on, Bring it on. I truly want to go through whatever the hell I have to, one step at a time, and then, hopefully, step out of my own way and leave it all up to God!...

See Ya....

Vic

Before & After

Royal Society of the Dome Heads...

Well, I did it!

Last night, in a fit of "Oh Yeah? Think that was good? Wait'll you see this one!", and in a desire to shore up the illusion that "I'm in control"--tee hee-- I had the lovely Sarah Nolan, wife of my wonderful friend Travis, and Tonsorial Artiste Extraordinaire, proactively "shave" my head!

Wheeee-yew! Well saddle up my head and let me ride away on the Cosmic Oven Range...

Holy Dome-Headed BhodhiSatva, boys and girls!

Actually, it's not "bad". Seems like the jury agrees that I've got a nice round shaped head which lends itself to this looking pretty neat! (It'll just take me a couple of days to get used to the "wierd looking" guy curiously staring back at me each time I pass a mirror, though)... it certainly feels good, and--what's even better? Finally, I'm built for Speed! Ta Dah!...
Yep! I'm just one mean old aerodynamic hunk of burnin' love, baby!--sort of like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle on various "LoveDrugs"!!!

It's actually not completely "bald" in the true sense of the word but, let's put it like this: it's as "close" as you can get without being completely shaven!...

In closing, I leave you all with the following nugget to muse upon:
(Hi! Is that a "Light Bulb" on your head, or are you just happy to see me?!?!)

KMLAAY

Bhodhi-Boy

"Hiccup" in the Road...

Actually, perhaps the term "Hiccup" might be more appropriate (than "Bump").

Yesterday morning, at 7:14AM, my pump began emitting wierd sounds; sounds akin to what you might expect to come from the top of a police car! Woke my butt up! My pump had run out of 5FU. I turned it off, called the Chemo Oncologist, reported this and arranged to go in very shortly after my radiation appointment.

When I got there, they removed the pump and, after flushing my port and resticking me (not the most pleasant experience) they checked my blood results. Seems several things are low, but it was my Platelet Count that was quite low and so my Doctor elected to "Stop" the Chemo and have me come back on Friday and redo my blood. Hopefully, my body, in the absence of the chemo, will have regenerated enough platelets to bring my count up to "acceptable" levels and then I can continue with my 4 Hour Regime this coming Monday, September 10, and continue to be "on track" time-table wise!

However, if not, So Be It! I realize now it's all in Divine Timing and Order anyway!

Interesting, but there's a growing sense within me, as relates to my "Medical Oddessy", which is very reminiscent of how I felt in the aftermath of my Beloved Wife Karen's death. At the time, (September 8, 2000) I recall responding to the universal question: "How're you doing, Vic?" in the following manner: I'd say, "You know, I fully well know that, down the road, I'm going to be absolutely fine! As to "How", or "When" this will happen, well, I realy don't have any clue!"

As I said, I feel the exactly the same as relates to my current situation!

And, this brings to mind the story that my dear friend and former Minister of the Unity Church in Dunwoody, GA., Jane Waddington, shared with me when I met with her shortly after Karen's death. I shared the above sentiment with her and she proceeded to tell me this story which I later turned into a song called "Just The Next Step, Please"...

There are a group of Monks who are indigenous to a particular mountain in Tibet. Totally familiar with every inch of the rugged terrain, as not only were they born in the area but, as part of their Spiritual practice, they also traverse the mountain trails on a daily basis as well. One evening at midnight, as a rather powerful thunderstorm approaches, they come upon a stranger sitting on the mountaintop huddled into a ball, and sobbing inconsolably. Next to him is a Lantern which casts out a solitary beam of light whose arc extends out only 3 feet.

The Monks stop and enquire as to why he is so dissconsolate. He replies: I'm not familiar with this area and I'm lost! A storm is approaching... It's midnight and I have this lantern which emits but a small beam of light only three feet in distance! I'm afraid I'll never find my way off this mountain!...

The Monks reply: "My Son, Stop your crying! You have all you need! Your Lantern will allow you to see one step in front of you--that's ALL YOU NEED TO SEE as, once you take that step, the next step will present itself and will be made visible. Thus you will find your way off this Mountain and return home safely!...

So then, my work remains... to stay in the only place there ever is, anyway... right "Now" in "This Present Moment" and simply pay attention as whatever is needed is presented before me and brought into view!

Here are the words to the song's chorous:

"Just the Next Step Please"

Oh Lord up in Heaven and on Earth

Wont you Hear my Song,

I'm asking for the Wisdom & the Strength

To keep a Carryin' On,

Oh Lord, Hear the Prayer in my Heart

As I Fall to my Knees,

Won't you Show me the Way,

Just the Next Step, Please.

That's all I need,

Is Just the Next Step please...

You're all I need...

And

Just the Next Step Please!

Okey Dokey, Gotta run now... Be back later!

Who Are You?...

Om

Bhur Bhuvah Suvaha
Tat Savitor Varenyam
Bargo Devasya DiMahi
Diyo Yonah Prachodiyat
Om Shanti Shanti Shanti…


Who Are You!

You…
Who come in,
Unannounced,
Unwelcome & Unwanted…
“The” Vagabond King and Prince of Interlopers…

You…
You Outrageous Purloiner…
You who dare Steal in,
As a Thief in the Midst of Night,
While none look, nor see,
You stealthily ride the Cold Trail
Making certain
Only Muted Footsteps
Fall upon the Silent Path…

And then,
You Enter the Body-Temple
Where All are Welcome!
And gradually,
As by default,
Remaining Unnoticed,
You begin your Inexorable March
And attain
Your First Foothold…

Microscopic,
You lie Silently in Wait,
Gathering your strength,
And then,
With Slight of Hand
And Deft of Immaculate Distraction,
You Raise the Darkened Wand
And,
In a true case of “Adverse Possession”,
Nearly “Biblical” in proportion,
You strike!
And as befits only a true Magician of The Dark,
All the while Cloaked in Shadow,
You emerge,
And begin your Relentless Surge,
And in Act of Insatiable Manifestation
With Arrogance and Appetite Unbridled,

You seek to Increase your Territory,
And claim The Very Abode
As “Yours” Alone!

Who ARE You?...

Who Do You think You Are?

I’d like to know
Just why are you here…
What is it that You,
Oh Marauder of Profane Geometry,
What have you come to show me?

We are all Reflections Within the Cosmic Mirror,
And so,
I receive you,
And your offerings,
With as much Dignity and Grace as I may muster,
That I may become Still
And Rest in the Midst of your Tantalizing Riddle.

Exactly What do you have to Teach me?

How,

And in what ways,
Are you a Reflection

Of some Unloving Way
In which I View

Or Regard

MySelf?

To be continued...