Just as the good folks from the land of "Radiation R Us" have been promising, my challenges seemingly grow larger. Its getting harder and harder to simply swallow. Yesterday, (Wednesday), I had difficulty in swallowing a couple of small sips of water! Breakfast: it was all I could do to get 2 spoonsful of peanut butter down. Today, I awoke before the alarm, which I set daily for 8AM, due to the "pain" in my esophagus. The best way to describe it is to say I feel like somebody's been using the inside of my chest as a punching bag!
The nurse, Brenda, at the Radiation place sat me down today (Thursday) and, after reviewing my growing level of alarm re my discomfort, told me that it's really "OK for me to take Percoset pretty much round the clock". In fact, after I go to sleep tonight, I'll set my alarm for about 4 hours later, take another dose, and then return to sleep. As soon as I got home this morning, I took my first one at 10 AM; it took a good hour and a half until I finally felt relief. So, boys 'n' girls, evidently the "trick" here seems to lie in "Preventing" or "Managing" the pain by taking "mother's little helper" on a continuous basis. It's now 5:30PM and I'll take dose number 3 in about a half hour (took a second one at 2PM...)
Wierd, but right now I'm actually feeling "good"! The progression pretty much flowed from "agony", to "tolerable", to no pain or "not feeling actively bad", to "feeling good" as I do now! Around 2 PM, I finally managed to eat some soup followed by a cheese quesadilla that Jessie brought over. It's amazing just how depleted your entire energy can become (and thus the quality of your life) if you've got to focus on just being still and letting the pain subside. What's causing this is the continual bombardment of radiation to the insides of my esophagus. It's like taking a highly internally sunburned area and then constantly reexposing it to more "sun", and then more, etc., etc., etc...
The subtle stigmas we all carry with us throughout life are really amazing. There's just so much tribal trash stored in the collective unconscious mascarading as wisdom. I mean, here I am trying to be a brave and good boy by NOT taking the pain medication I've been given, as if there's some kind of virtue in struggling heroically with pain and discomfort on my "own"... Duh-uhhh! Wrong-O, Bong-O! I mean, didn't the Buddha say that "Suffering is Selective"? (Actually, I just came up with that) Buddha said that Life just "Is" and how we choose to perceive it--positive or negative--is a matter of personal choice and there, in the wake of the ensuing attachment, lies the potential (and realization) of "suffering". In retrospect, it seems like a no brainer.
(Philosophical "Tidbit")... Speaking of "Attachment"...
One can be attached either to getting something (obtaining it, etc.) or, on the opposite side of the coin, to NOT getting it --i.e., The "Attachmment Spectrum" seems to range from Desire (want of gain) on one hand to Aversion (fear of loss) on the other. If you're attached to either outcome, (Presence or Absence) you're trapped, caught-up or stuck! Welcome to the Human Condition! Throughout recorded history the great Spiritual Masters & Teachers (Buddha, Christ, Baba, etc.) all seem to refer to a sort of "middle-ground" or space located in the Here & Now, the Present, wherein all perception and ensuing action can be conducted without any "taint". Without any claim or sense of "Hey Ma, look at Me! I'm the Doer here; Aren't I great?" on any level so that any action we perform is simply a matter of Pure Observation within Consciousness itself, and our "response" is in accordance with Knowledge arising within that Present moment. This then, especially when performed without regard to "results", creates a "clean and taintless" or "pure" action, which then can ultimately lead one to "Liberation" as eventually, no further Karma will be created as that action is free from any "claim" or ego derived color...
It's rather amazing but if one gets to a point of simply living in the Present Moment, then statements like "God is the Only "Doer" not only make sense, but can truly be appreciated as well!
Well, then, Week 5 is history or "Burnt" Toast!... (I'm looking forward to Monday, as that will be my LAST DAY OF RADIATION and the 5 FU!!!
Onward & Inward...
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