The Towers of Uncertainty

Greetings and May All the Love in my Heart Connect with The Like in Yours!

As I gaze out from my vantage point, firmly ensconced as I am in the irrevocable "Towers of Uncertainty", I observe a chariot, rapidly approaching and being drawn across my landscape of serenity by the Toxic Twin steeds--Panic and Fear! Almost unnoticed, they emerge, silent and dreamlike at first, and begin to lay claim to the outer fringes of Victorville. Cannily and camouflage-like, they stealthily blend into my surroundings until, having established a nearly permanent foothold in my heart, they consume more and more of my time and precious vital energy as I need to daily feed and water these phantoms that they may continue to survive and consume me. Their ultimate goal: to deplete, ravage and lay final waste to my hard won energy supply of Peace and Tranquility. However, try as they may, this time, with the Grace of God, I've got a few weapons at my disposal. From my treasure chest, I carefully open and examine its contents. First, my sword of Faith; second , the sacred Heart of a Hero, and lastly, and perhaps the most precious failsafe of all, the daily-aquired, Wisdom of a Warrior!

Now at this point, I must hasten to interject, lest I be accused of false modesty, that the above descriptions, lofty as they may be, are nothing unique to me, nor am I, in any way or in any sense of the word, anything or anyone "Special"! I'm just a meagre soul who's been through some life-battles and personal challenges and who, only through the Grace of God, has been lucky enough to have picked up a few things along the way and, in times like these, has been able to review and then apply what's helpful.

Someone once told me that one of the best things I could do for myself would be to journal, which, to my mind, is nothing more than blogging by an ancient name. This, I do, for my own personal benefit, more than anyone else's. The insights I glean are often genuine and striking, both from the perspective of a sense of newness arising from the freshness of discovery, as well as from the sense of liberation or freedom, from the potency of what it is that I am fortunate enough to observe.

Right now, I feel almost pummeled by the simple fact that actually, from day one of engaging in this exercise (blogging) I've really been saying only one thing--repeatedly and ad nauseum. And that, at it's essence, is what I first read about back in the Sixties in a book by Ram Das called "Be Here Now". More recently, during my third visit to India, in 2002, I rediscovered this same message in a life changing work called, The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle. (Perhaps you're noticing a similarity here.) And now, most recently, since August 6th, 2007, when I was first diagnosed with Cancer and as a result found I had no choice but to embark upon my own real-life journey into Healing and Self Discovery, only this time I had nothing but the tools of observation and reflection, to fall upon in order to sustain myself and get on with my life.

In each and every case--in fact, throughout all the recorded history of Humanity itself, whenever a World Teacher has emerged, from the Buddah, to Lao Tsu, to the teachings of Jesus Christ or Sathya Sai Baba--the message has been constant. To cut through this veil of illusion, to sever the chords of suffering and misery, to know that "I and My Father Are One", the teaching is really one and the same. Let go of everything--every attachment we may have to any form, emotion or thought--and surrender instead to the majesty of the Present Moment! For it is only in this energetic space and realm which we, in Presence, create in Consciousness, that we may discover true liberation and freedom. A Freedom and everlasting sense of Peace, Joy and Wellness which lives in, and whose true nature is, Consciousness itself!

And thus it is with firm conviction that I here and now affirm that all one can ever know lives, and is contained in this, "The Present Moment." Any and all sense of lasting liberation, both from the Tyranny of the Past or, as is the case of my own momentry anguish, the Fear of the Future, is in truth found only here. Dwelling in either of these other imaginary realms render us temporarily BiPolar and thus helpless should we forget what's real--i.e., simply resting in the conscious awareness of the present moment--and lapse instead into the phantom worlds of Yesterday or Tomorrow.

Whenever it is that I slip from my stronghold of Presence, as I gaze upon the landscape of my upcoming life, all I see is consumed by fear and fraught with uncertainty. Should I allow myself the luxury of wallowing in self pity, I can then very easily succumb to and then be consumed by, fear itself. Currently, my surgeon has told me that all he will permit is for my disability benefits to continue until the end of June. Further, he tells me the best way I can heal and attain full recovery is to get on with my life and live without limitations. This is all good and well and in long term perspective, I trust and believe this. From the shorter term however, the view seems a bit more murky.

For the past month or so, I've been noticing a growing sense of pain and discomfort in the area immediately below my right scapula. Last time I went to my private doctor, he found an area there that when he touched it felt very sharp and sore. As my days progress, this "spot" seems to draw a focus upon itself which forces me to just lie down and take my body weight (gravity)
off it. I'm to see him this coming Monday to have another X-ray and then my surgeon will examine me. I try not to play with this in my mind as I hope to hear that everything will be all right. However, for the past month, as this pain has gotten progressively more intense, I just cant imagine being able to go back to work and sit at a desk all day as this is precisely (sitting on a chair for any period of time) when my back seems to hurt the most.

Then, of course, there's the whole issue of my reemegence into the work force, itself. I really feel very uncomfortable about this as, having been away from it for nearly a year, I feel like I've forgotten just about everything that I once knew like the back of my hand. Let alone the issue of having the energy to work at a job that I jokingly used to refer to as a particularly tough type of selling which could "make a grown man cry"!

Then continuing with this progression of future uncertainties, as I look a bit further out, I plan on having to put my house up for sale and arrange everything which this entails; Diane, my fiance, has to do the same with her place, and I'll then either move into her place with her or we'll get a place of our own together. Then, there'll be the adjustment to living with her and Sabrina (her 6 year old whom she currently has joint custody of) and just accepting and learning to live with impending parenthood again. Then, our Wedding: exactly what, when and where, etc., etc., etc. Into this mix, let's now add the further wrinkle that Diane's ex husband, Sabrina's father, has just been told that he has end stage Liver failure and needs a liver transplant, thus presenting the possibility of total custody...

The simple truth is that all I can see when I look out upon the landscape of my future life, is a daunting edifice called a Tower of Uncertainty. My heart, which I will forever trust, tells me that so long as I can live together, married to my true sweetheart, my angel, Diane, that I will lovingly and graciously accept with a full heart, whatever the future may behold. All I have to do is to remember what it is that I seem to daily forget; to simply get still, stop the mind chatter, and simply be where and when I am, in THIS PRESENT MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Om Sri Sai Ram