“Just a Bump in the Road”

“Just a Bump in the Road”

Wow! What a long time its been between entries…

Truth is, I’ve been a litte too “chicken” to write anything further...

Why? Well, quite frankly, my last entry (Towers of Uncertainty) freaked me out a little bit. Actually, it heralded a particularly uncomfortable period of time as I found myself blindsided and caught up in the sticky clutches of quite a smothering depression. It’s funny, but nearly everyone I’ve spoken to about this, including my former family therapist whose counsel I sought, told me that this is actually quite normal and almost to be expected. Oh yeah? Well then, how come it seems as if I was the only person caught off guard? That sucker sneaked up on me and hit me with its best Sunday Sucker Punch that’s left me still wobbling. Not only did I not expect it, but once it hit, it felt as if a stealth bomber had dropped, with pinpoint accuracy, a payload of Darkness, right smack in the middle of my head. Like a tsunami that no one saw coming, nevertheless once it struck, that’s all she wrote. Felt like there was no escape. Nowhere to run… no one to turn to... and absolutely no place to hide! Only blackness, doubt and fear… breaking over, and all around me. It must’ve lasted for a good—No! Definitely NOT good!—month and a half. At times, I find myself still playing with an occasional dark thought or two, but at least I’m now able to catch a hold of some drifting positive energy current and just hang on till and ride out the storm.

If you look at it from an “energetic” point of view, perhaps it makes sense. I mean, literally as much of my consciousness and energy as I could possibly muster was entirely focused on staying centered and remaining in the present moment. I recall observing that “Fear does not exist in the now”—that it’s only when we leave the present moment and get lost in thoughts about the future (i.e., “Gee! I wonder if such and such will, or wont, happen?”) that we then find ourselves getting lost in worry, doubt and fear. Anyway, once the roughest parts of my journey had passed—the chemo / radiation regime, and the major surgery (from which I still have not as yet fully recovered) it was as if someone had taken a tiny pin and, when no one was looking, very subtly punctured a microscopic hole in my balloon of consciousness—a hole so small as to remain unnoticed until one day upon awakening, all I could see around me was darkness. This is what it felt like. Again… no signs, no alarm bells, no warnings… just, the darkness. Oh yeah, and those terrible accompanying feelings of sinking into and then slogging through the muck of despair!

As it is, presently I am doing considerably better—i.e., I don’t feel like bursting into tears at any given moment—and I find myself frequently speaking to God and asking for the strength to simply accept my present circumstances and the fact that almost everything I look out upon and refer to as “the future” really is a cloud of uncertainty and unknown. But you know something? The Truth is, is that’s how it always is—always has been, and always will be... Unknown! I tell people that when I pray, I find that the “whats” (the specific things I may desire) are absolutely okay for me to yearn for and to ask of God. As to the “Whens” and “Hows”, however—well now, these are an entirely different set of categories and their nature is not my province at all. These rest solely, and exclusively, in the realm of the Divine. And, as you’re probably aware, at least as to “the Whens”, I find that God’s Time and my own are usually quite different and often polar opposite. If I get lost in my own view, I often find a tremendous sense of impatience and frustration brewing, whereas, if I simply surrender to Divine Order and place whatever my concerns may be in God’s lap—well, all I can say is that I’ve never known the solution to be anything other than “Perfect”. A lot of times, although it doesn’t appear to be exactly what I’ve asked for—i.e., it might not look like anything at all like I had envisioned—His solution is often so much better, and certainly so much more serviceable of my Highest Good than anything I could have possibly thought to provide for myself.

The whole key for me, (and yes, yet once again I feel like a broken record), seems to lie in asking for the wisdom and strength to be able to surrender all of what it is that I’m concerned about happening, or not happening, and to beg for the serenity to simply accept the reality of the present moment and to leave the future unfolding of events entirely in God’s hands with the implicit Trust that He will provide for me the perfect solution and at the perfect time. This applies to literally EVERY single facet of my life—my home, my family, my love and relationships, my work, my economic prospects, my health, etc., etc., etc. God is my one and only true source and supply—the one, and only, real “Doer”. I live within Him; He fills and surrounds me.

And while I “know” these things intellectually, my real work in life, seems to lie in my daily remembering this so that it can be transformed from the realm of “information” existing in my head, into real “Knowledge” which can then lodge itself in my heart and manifest itself through me on a “Being” level. Sometimes, all that’s needed is for me to simply remember to pray and ask for this consciously. If I do, I often find a wonderful calming sense of Peace seems to come in and settle over me. And while this “peace” may not contain what it is that I think I’m praying for, it will certainly “do”, for the meantime!

One additional component I find is Gratitude! That is, along with my surrendering of the what’s, the when’s and the how’s, I find that probably the singular best piece of wisdom I may have acquired in the past 8 years or so, is that during this “waiting” period, to practice developing an attitude of being truly Grateful. And most importantly, not simply for all the things that God has given me that I may perceive as “good” or “positive”, but for literally EVERYTHING He has given me! From “the good” to “the bad” and “the ugly”—for Everything! For those things that I find easy to understand and for those which I find impossible to grasp or make any sense out of whatsoever. It seems to me that this is what “Faith” is all about. At the end of each day, can I look at myself in the mirror and truly give “Thanks” to God for “Everything” that He has delivered unto me?

Want a good example? Try this one… How can I possibly give thanks for the death of my beloved wife??? How about for all the ensuing suffering I had to experience and endure? The truth is, I myself have no clue or shred of idea as to how to answer this. There is just no way that I can make any kind of linear, one + one = two, kind of “sense” out of this. Or, how about the ensuing five years or so of profound sorrow and active grieving? Perhaps a much more recent “example” will serve—How is it that I can possibly give thanks for having undergone all the rigors of Cancer and its aftermath of turning my life completely inside out? For these kinds of questions, I find that I truly have no kind of adequate or satisfactory response. Nothing, even after years of reflection and pondering, springs glibly to my lips. The best I can come up with is that this kind of Gratitude is, in fact, completely identical to, and interwoven with, the essence of “Faith”—the ability to rest assured and completely certain regarding things both totally unknown and beyond “provability”.

It is rather with a sense of inner resonance, and on an intuitional level, that I can, and do give thanks for these terrible occurrences which have befallen me. And believe me, while this aint “easy” by any stretch, I have found that it definitely does beat the alternative. Slowly, I become free from these ordeals and, although I can’t “prove” it, I feel like my Soul continues to grow along correct lines as a result. Enough!

Back to the present... In general, I continue to improve.

About 2 weeks ago, I noticed a slight “bulge” in my stomach, about one to two inches above my naval. As this occurred after I’d eaten, I felt it was just a bit of “weird science” ala me stretching the boundaries of meal amounts in the aftermath of my surgically restricted stomach capacity. Then, when I’d cough, I’d notice that this “bulge” would protrude a bit further until I am now aware of an area about the size of my palm which is affected. I contacted one of the two surgeons who operated on me back in November—the one who worked on my stomach—Dr. John Daly. I visited him this past Monday and was told that I’ve developed an “incisional hernia” which will require repair via additional surgery scheduled for July 14.

Dr. Daly explained that ideally, I should have been eating double the amount of protein in my diet as all of my nutritional intake went into my body’s healing and recovery from the really major surgery that I underwent. Why no one ever told me anything about this is beyond me, but since I can’t do anything about what’s done, I’ve just got to keep on trucking as best I can. Certainly for the period of time preceding this next operation, I’ve got to really ramp up my protein intake and also maintain this increased regimen for the period of time immediately following it as well. Guess I’ll go to Costco and get some of those protein shakes and make and drink a couple each day.

When he was finished examining me, Dr. Daly told me that next to what I’ve already gone through, this is really quite minor and is simply “a bump in the road”. I’ll probably have to be in the hospital for one night and then, he tells me, I’ll need about three to six weeks to completely recover.

Okay!
It is what it is!
Man plans, God laughs!
Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans!
And so it goes… And so it goes…
Oh blah dee,
Oh blah dah,
Life goes on, Hah!
La la la
How life goes on!




Right now I’ve got a choice. Do I sit around and feel sorry for myself and fret about this blip in my timetable? Or do I practice what I preach and ask God to give me the strength and wisdom, once again, to simply remain centered in the only reality I truly know—this present moment? One of these choices leads toward tumultuous waters; the other, I hope, will allow me to simply float along and be carried safely over a river of Love and Peace.

I intend to float!