Just When I Thought I Was Getting Out, They Pull Me Back In!!!

With my apologies to Al Pacino for the above title of this entry notwithstanding, I suppose I could also have called this: "One Mo Tam!"

On July 24th, I'm to be operated on by both Dr. Daly (the stomach surgeon who operated on my stomach back in November) and Dr. Moore (the surgeon who originally did my esophagectomy at the same time) at Northside Hospital. These doctors will, once again, be "tag-teaming" up on me. Dr. Daly will be performing an incisional hernia repair on my abdomen--he'll be going in lapriscopically, and attaching some mesh into my stomach so as to keep everything together--and then, while I'm still under the anaesthesia, Dr. Moore will be cutting into the "seroma" below my right scapula area, and he'll then be closing the "space" that's opened up inside in the tissues causing the swelling (the seroma) to occur. (I've already had this drained twice, and each time, within around 24 hours, the swelling refilled with serous fluid.)

While Dr. Daly says that comparitively speaking, this is just a "bump in the road" (next to what I've been through), he also told me today, however, that I can expect to be in quite a bit of pain, and, for a good while, afterwards. I'm trying to remain positive about the whole thing, and just hope that this'll finally be "it", and that afterwards, aside from the 6 week healing process, that that'll finally be pretty much the "end of all this" stuff. Also, this coming Friday, I'll be receiving an infusion of iron as it appears that ever since my gastrectomy, that my body is not absorbing iron like it should. This'll take about 4 hours and I'll have this done in Dr. Steis's office (my chemo oncologist). I'm told that I might need this just this one time, or that I might need it annually, or semi-annually...

Aside from these few occurrences, generally speaking, I continue in my recovery and healing. In fact, I look forward to, although admittedly with some trepidation, returning to the work force around mid September. Aside from that ajustment, I'll also need to decide whether to move into Diane's townhome and live with her there until we get a place of our own, or whether she'll move into my townhome and live with me here. Then, we'll finally decide on a Wedding Date and "git er done!" Someone once mused that they believed that "life should get simpler once we get older"... RIGHT!!!

By the way, following are the lyrics to a new song I've composed. I call it, "The Wedding Prayer", subtitled, "We Are One"....

The Wedding Prayer

(We Are One)

May your Soul be filled with Gladness,
May your Heart be filled with Love,
May your body be a beacon,
Shining Light from up above;

May your world be filled with Music,
May you sing a joyous song,
May the Truth that you embody,
Carry everyone along...

May your mind be filled with wisdom,
Like the spark, from burning coal,
May your wave merge with the Ocean,
And your part become the Whole;

May you come to know The Oneness,
May you stand beneath what’s True,
May you see your Self in others,
And may they see themselves in you…

May your Love shine on before you,
Like a lamp that lights your way,
May all Grace and Peace restore you,
Each and every day;

May you reap a bounty harvest,
May your every song be sung,
May your life be filled with wonder,
May you shine on like the sun...


We are One,
We are One,
We are One,
We are One.


Now we stand before the Altar,
As you place your heart (hand) in mine,
In the Holy Sacred Presence,
May our Souls, in Love, entwine;

In this joyous place of wonder,
Far beyond all space and time,
I can hear the Angel voices singing,
Songs of Love Divine…


We are One,
We are One,
We are One,
We are One.


As it was in the beginning,
So it shall be, in the end,
A secret rare, I now will share,
If your ears to me you’ll lend;

Wise men long have posed and pondered,
Over what makes Love called “True”,
It’s because you love me for myself,
In the same way, I Love You…


We are One,
We are One,
We are One,
It is Done.

Amen!

Speaking of new songs, I actually went into a recording studio about a month or so ago, and with the assistance of the producer and various studio musicians, I recorded 4 original songs. I refer to them, collectively, as: "4": The Joy Of It! If you wish, you can actually listen to them by going to: www.myspace.com/victorjpaul . Hope you enjoy it!

In closing, if I might simpy ask for everyone to please keep me in your prayers about, and throughout, all of what's coming up for me, I'd deeply appreciate it!

As for me, I hope to continue:

Surrendering,

Staying Positive,

Remaining in the Present Moment!

Take Care & KMLAAY!

Vic

“Just a Bump in the Road”

“Just a Bump in the Road”

Wow! What a long time its been between entries…

Truth is, I’ve been a litte too “chicken” to write anything further...

Why? Well, quite frankly, my last entry (Towers of Uncertainty) freaked me out a little bit. Actually, it heralded a particularly uncomfortable period of time as I found myself blindsided and caught up in the sticky clutches of quite a smothering depression. It’s funny, but nearly everyone I’ve spoken to about this, including my former family therapist whose counsel I sought, told me that this is actually quite normal and almost to be expected. Oh yeah? Well then, how come it seems as if I was the only person caught off guard? That sucker sneaked up on me and hit me with its best Sunday Sucker Punch that’s left me still wobbling. Not only did I not expect it, but once it hit, it felt as if a stealth bomber had dropped, with pinpoint accuracy, a payload of Darkness, right smack in the middle of my head. Like a tsunami that no one saw coming, nevertheless once it struck, that’s all she wrote. Felt like there was no escape. Nowhere to run… no one to turn to... and absolutely no place to hide! Only blackness, doubt and fear… breaking over, and all around me. It must’ve lasted for a good—No! Definitely NOT good!—month and a half. At times, I find myself still playing with an occasional dark thought or two, but at least I’m now able to catch a hold of some drifting positive energy current and just hang on till and ride out the storm.

If you look at it from an “energetic” point of view, perhaps it makes sense. I mean, literally as much of my consciousness and energy as I could possibly muster was entirely focused on staying centered and remaining in the present moment. I recall observing that “Fear does not exist in the now”—that it’s only when we leave the present moment and get lost in thoughts about the future (i.e., “Gee! I wonder if such and such will, or wont, happen?”) that we then find ourselves getting lost in worry, doubt and fear. Anyway, once the roughest parts of my journey had passed—the chemo / radiation regime, and the major surgery (from which I still have not as yet fully recovered) it was as if someone had taken a tiny pin and, when no one was looking, very subtly punctured a microscopic hole in my balloon of consciousness—a hole so small as to remain unnoticed until one day upon awakening, all I could see around me was darkness. This is what it felt like. Again… no signs, no alarm bells, no warnings… just, the darkness. Oh yeah, and those terrible accompanying feelings of sinking into and then slogging through the muck of despair!

As it is, presently I am doing considerably better—i.e., I don’t feel like bursting into tears at any given moment—and I find myself frequently speaking to God and asking for the strength to simply accept my present circumstances and the fact that almost everything I look out upon and refer to as “the future” really is a cloud of uncertainty and unknown. But you know something? The Truth is, is that’s how it always is—always has been, and always will be... Unknown! I tell people that when I pray, I find that the “whats” (the specific things I may desire) are absolutely okay for me to yearn for and to ask of God. As to the “Whens” and “Hows”, however—well now, these are an entirely different set of categories and their nature is not my province at all. These rest solely, and exclusively, in the realm of the Divine. And, as you’re probably aware, at least as to “the Whens”, I find that God’s Time and my own are usually quite different and often polar opposite. If I get lost in my own view, I often find a tremendous sense of impatience and frustration brewing, whereas, if I simply surrender to Divine Order and place whatever my concerns may be in God’s lap—well, all I can say is that I’ve never known the solution to be anything other than “Perfect”. A lot of times, although it doesn’t appear to be exactly what I’ve asked for—i.e., it might not look like anything at all like I had envisioned—His solution is often so much better, and certainly so much more serviceable of my Highest Good than anything I could have possibly thought to provide for myself.

The whole key for me, (and yes, yet once again I feel like a broken record), seems to lie in asking for the wisdom and strength to be able to surrender all of what it is that I’m concerned about happening, or not happening, and to beg for the serenity to simply accept the reality of the present moment and to leave the future unfolding of events entirely in God’s hands with the implicit Trust that He will provide for me the perfect solution and at the perfect time. This applies to literally EVERY single facet of my life—my home, my family, my love and relationships, my work, my economic prospects, my health, etc., etc., etc. God is my one and only true source and supply—the one, and only, real “Doer”. I live within Him; He fills and surrounds me.

And while I “know” these things intellectually, my real work in life, seems to lie in my daily remembering this so that it can be transformed from the realm of “information” existing in my head, into real “Knowledge” which can then lodge itself in my heart and manifest itself through me on a “Being” level. Sometimes, all that’s needed is for me to simply remember to pray and ask for this consciously. If I do, I often find a wonderful calming sense of Peace seems to come in and settle over me. And while this “peace” may not contain what it is that I think I’m praying for, it will certainly “do”, for the meantime!

One additional component I find is Gratitude! That is, along with my surrendering of the what’s, the when’s and the how’s, I find that probably the singular best piece of wisdom I may have acquired in the past 8 years or so, is that during this “waiting” period, to practice developing an attitude of being truly Grateful. And most importantly, not simply for all the things that God has given me that I may perceive as “good” or “positive”, but for literally EVERYTHING He has given me! From “the good” to “the bad” and “the ugly”—for Everything! For those things that I find easy to understand and for those which I find impossible to grasp or make any sense out of whatsoever. It seems to me that this is what “Faith” is all about. At the end of each day, can I look at myself in the mirror and truly give “Thanks” to God for “Everything” that He has delivered unto me?

Want a good example? Try this one… How can I possibly give thanks for the death of my beloved wife??? How about for all the ensuing suffering I had to experience and endure? The truth is, I myself have no clue or shred of idea as to how to answer this. There is just no way that I can make any kind of linear, one + one = two, kind of “sense” out of this. Or, how about the ensuing five years or so of profound sorrow and active grieving? Perhaps a much more recent “example” will serve—How is it that I can possibly give thanks for having undergone all the rigors of Cancer and its aftermath of turning my life completely inside out? For these kinds of questions, I find that I truly have no kind of adequate or satisfactory response. Nothing, even after years of reflection and pondering, springs glibly to my lips. The best I can come up with is that this kind of Gratitude is, in fact, completely identical to, and interwoven with, the essence of “Faith”—the ability to rest assured and completely certain regarding things both totally unknown and beyond “provability”.

It is rather with a sense of inner resonance, and on an intuitional level, that I can, and do give thanks for these terrible occurrences which have befallen me. And believe me, while this aint “easy” by any stretch, I have found that it definitely does beat the alternative. Slowly, I become free from these ordeals and, although I can’t “prove” it, I feel like my Soul continues to grow along correct lines as a result. Enough!

Back to the present... In general, I continue to improve.

About 2 weeks ago, I noticed a slight “bulge” in my stomach, about one to two inches above my naval. As this occurred after I’d eaten, I felt it was just a bit of “weird science” ala me stretching the boundaries of meal amounts in the aftermath of my surgically restricted stomach capacity. Then, when I’d cough, I’d notice that this “bulge” would protrude a bit further until I am now aware of an area about the size of my palm which is affected. I contacted one of the two surgeons who operated on me back in November—the one who worked on my stomach—Dr. John Daly. I visited him this past Monday and was told that I’ve developed an “incisional hernia” which will require repair via additional surgery scheduled for July 14.

Dr. Daly explained that ideally, I should have been eating double the amount of protein in my diet as all of my nutritional intake went into my body’s healing and recovery from the really major surgery that I underwent. Why no one ever told me anything about this is beyond me, but since I can’t do anything about what’s done, I’ve just got to keep on trucking as best I can. Certainly for the period of time preceding this next operation, I’ve got to really ramp up my protein intake and also maintain this increased regimen for the period of time immediately following it as well. Guess I’ll go to Costco and get some of those protein shakes and make and drink a couple each day.

When he was finished examining me, Dr. Daly told me that next to what I’ve already gone through, this is really quite minor and is simply “a bump in the road”. I’ll probably have to be in the hospital for one night and then, he tells me, I’ll need about three to six weeks to completely recover.

Okay!
It is what it is!
Man plans, God laughs!
Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans!
And so it goes… And so it goes…
Oh blah dee,
Oh blah dah,
Life goes on, Hah!
La la la
How life goes on!




Right now I’ve got a choice. Do I sit around and feel sorry for myself and fret about this blip in my timetable? Or do I practice what I preach and ask God to give me the strength and wisdom, once again, to simply remain centered in the only reality I truly know—this present moment? One of these choices leads toward tumultuous waters; the other, I hope, will allow me to simply float along and be carried safely over a river of Love and Peace.

I intend to float!

The Towers of Uncertainty

Greetings and May All the Love in my Heart Connect with The Like in Yours!

As I gaze out from my vantage point, firmly ensconced as I am in the irrevocable "Towers of Uncertainty", I observe a chariot, rapidly approaching and being drawn across my landscape of serenity by the Toxic Twin steeds--Panic and Fear! Almost unnoticed, they emerge, silent and dreamlike at first, and begin to lay claim to the outer fringes of Victorville. Cannily and camouflage-like, they stealthily blend into my surroundings until, having established a nearly permanent foothold in my heart, they consume more and more of my time and precious vital energy as I need to daily feed and water these phantoms that they may continue to survive and consume me. Their ultimate goal: to deplete, ravage and lay final waste to my hard won energy supply of Peace and Tranquility. However, try as they may, this time, with the Grace of God, I've got a few weapons at my disposal. From my treasure chest, I carefully open and examine its contents. First, my sword of Faith; second , the sacred Heart of a Hero, and lastly, and perhaps the most precious failsafe of all, the daily-aquired, Wisdom of a Warrior!

Now at this point, I must hasten to interject, lest I be accused of false modesty, that the above descriptions, lofty as they may be, are nothing unique to me, nor am I, in any way or in any sense of the word, anything or anyone "Special"! I'm just a meagre soul who's been through some life-battles and personal challenges and who, only through the Grace of God, has been lucky enough to have picked up a few things along the way and, in times like these, has been able to review and then apply what's helpful.

Someone once told me that one of the best things I could do for myself would be to journal, which, to my mind, is nothing more than blogging by an ancient name. This, I do, for my own personal benefit, more than anyone else's. The insights I glean are often genuine and striking, both from the perspective of a sense of newness arising from the freshness of discovery, as well as from the sense of liberation or freedom, from the potency of what it is that I am fortunate enough to observe.

Right now, I feel almost pummeled by the simple fact that actually, from day one of engaging in this exercise (blogging) I've really been saying only one thing--repeatedly and ad nauseum. And that, at it's essence, is what I first read about back in the Sixties in a book by Ram Das called "Be Here Now". More recently, during my third visit to India, in 2002, I rediscovered this same message in a life changing work called, The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle. (Perhaps you're noticing a similarity here.) And now, most recently, since August 6th, 2007, when I was first diagnosed with Cancer and as a result found I had no choice but to embark upon my own real-life journey into Healing and Self Discovery, only this time I had nothing but the tools of observation and reflection, to fall upon in order to sustain myself and get on with my life.

In each and every case--in fact, throughout all the recorded history of Humanity itself, whenever a World Teacher has emerged, from the Buddah, to Lao Tsu, to the teachings of Jesus Christ or Sathya Sai Baba--the message has been constant. To cut through this veil of illusion, to sever the chords of suffering and misery, to know that "I and My Father Are One", the teaching is really one and the same. Let go of everything--every attachment we may have to any form, emotion or thought--and surrender instead to the majesty of the Present Moment! For it is only in this energetic space and realm which we, in Presence, create in Consciousness, that we may discover true liberation and freedom. A Freedom and everlasting sense of Peace, Joy and Wellness which lives in, and whose true nature is, Consciousness itself!

And thus it is with firm conviction that I here and now affirm that all one can ever know lives, and is contained in this, "The Present Moment." Any and all sense of lasting liberation, both from the Tyranny of the Past or, as is the case of my own momentry anguish, the Fear of the Future, is in truth found only here. Dwelling in either of these other imaginary realms render us temporarily BiPolar and thus helpless should we forget what's real--i.e., simply resting in the conscious awareness of the present moment--and lapse instead into the phantom worlds of Yesterday or Tomorrow.

Whenever it is that I slip from my stronghold of Presence, as I gaze upon the landscape of my upcoming life, all I see is consumed by fear and fraught with uncertainty. Should I allow myself the luxury of wallowing in self pity, I can then very easily succumb to and then be consumed by, fear itself. Currently, my surgeon has told me that all he will permit is for my disability benefits to continue until the end of June. Further, he tells me the best way I can heal and attain full recovery is to get on with my life and live without limitations. This is all good and well and in long term perspective, I trust and believe this. From the shorter term however, the view seems a bit more murky.

For the past month or so, I've been noticing a growing sense of pain and discomfort in the area immediately below my right scapula. Last time I went to my private doctor, he found an area there that when he touched it felt very sharp and sore. As my days progress, this "spot" seems to draw a focus upon itself which forces me to just lie down and take my body weight (gravity)
off it. I'm to see him this coming Monday to have another X-ray and then my surgeon will examine me. I try not to play with this in my mind as I hope to hear that everything will be all right. However, for the past month, as this pain has gotten progressively more intense, I just cant imagine being able to go back to work and sit at a desk all day as this is precisely (sitting on a chair for any period of time) when my back seems to hurt the most.

Then, of course, there's the whole issue of my reemegence into the work force, itself. I really feel very uncomfortable about this as, having been away from it for nearly a year, I feel like I've forgotten just about everything that I once knew like the back of my hand. Let alone the issue of having the energy to work at a job that I jokingly used to refer to as a particularly tough type of selling which could "make a grown man cry"!

Then continuing with this progression of future uncertainties, as I look a bit further out, I plan on having to put my house up for sale and arrange everything which this entails; Diane, my fiance, has to do the same with her place, and I'll then either move into her place with her or we'll get a place of our own together. Then, there'll be the adjustment to living with her and Sabrina (her 6 year old whom she currently has joint custody of) and just accepting and learning to live with impending parenthood again. Then, our Wedding: exactly what, when and where, etc., etc., etc. Into this mix, let's now add the further wrinkle that Diane's ex husband, Sabrina's father, has just been told that he has end stage Liver failure and needs a liver transplant, thus presenting the possibility of total custody...

The simple truth is that all I can see when I look out upon the landscape of my future life, is a daunting edifice called a Tower of Uncertainty. My heart, which I will forever trust, tells me that so long as I can live together, married to my true sweetheart, my angel, Diane, that I will lovingly and graciously accept with a full heart, whatever the future may behold. All I have to do is to remember what it is that I seem to daily forget; to simply get still, stop the mind chatter, and simply be where and when I am, in THIS PRESENT MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Om Sri Sai Ram

Well, I must confess I'm a bit "at sea" here as I really don't have anything specific to write about. My life is progressing apace and for this I am truly grateful. Yesterday, I actually walked around my block (I live on a "circle") twice--not in a row, but twice nevertheless, AND... the best measure of progress is that prior to yesterday, I couldn't even make it to the mailbox (about a hundred yards, the last 20-30 of which is slightly uphill) without having to stop and rest and catch my breath. Well yesterday, I actually walked past the mailbox and made it an additionl 20-30 uphill yards to the 'stop' sign where I then obeyed the sign and stopped and rested and caught my breath. Once my breathing is semi-back to "normal" I then walked the entire remaining way to my starting point at my home. In perspective, it's slightly less than a quarter of a mile and about half of it is uphill. Oh well... "One Step At A Time"... (Groan!)...

Yesterday was Valentine's day. I got my fiance couple dozen roses (red and lavender); a necklace with a lttle Pearl inside a heart I picked up at Costco and a box of double dark chocolate fudge! You bet I earned points!!!... Diane was up in Danberry (Sp?) Connecticut making a presentation during the day and didn't get back to my place until about 9:40 PM. Next Valentine's day we'll plan to both be in town and celebrate it with dinner, etc. but as for this one, it was very Sweet nonetheless. I believe in my last posting I mentioned that as far as I'm concerned, each second is "Grace"... Pure Grace and that I now attempt (when I remember) to live in a "Proactive State of Gratitude"! Thus, as far as my perceptions of this past (present/yesterday) St. Valentine's Day goes, it was all Love Love Love and extremely pleasant and enjoyable!...

Oh, a "big" one... yesterday, I found myself near my former/presen't place of work around Technology Park in Atlanta. While I told myself that I'd wait until I was feeling stronger to go and visit, I nevertheless drove there and went in. I remained on a "Love - Level" and met with my Managers, Director of Sales, and as many of the insided sales force as I could see. When I left, it was with a mixture of feelings--part elation and part exhaustion! Man! Just standing there physically for over two hours and saying hi to people really cut into my "energy" department, big time. (I guess my surgeon knew what he was talking about after all when he said that it'd take a good 6 months for me to "feel like myself again", energywise!) Anyway, I really was struck with a profound sense of "Love" is the only way I can describe it, by seeing everyone and "fielding" all their good wishes, etc. There really is no way for me to describe just how much everyone's prayers --continued prayers--meant and continues to mean to me! I so deeply appreciate the effort and thought, not to mention "time", on everyone's behalf. I truly am very, very Blessed! One interesting observation: "everyone likes to smack you!!!" Really! it's funny, and perhaps it a "guy thing", but this past weekend I went to Costco's and the guy--Jerry--who checks you out once you're finished shopping, spotted me, and, out of sheer joy, came running over to me. After we hugged, he proceeded to 'almost punch"me in the side, right where my scar is. I saw stars and, felt a great deal of momentary pain! Actually, as I reflect on it, it's really just a form of "love-tap" or a "pat" on the back--only in this case it seriously was delivered like a hammer in heat! And, right on the spot where the surgery was. (When I look in the mirror, the incision is on my right side and goes in an arc, beginning at a spot about 3 -4 inches below my armpit and it then continues its sinuous journer curving upward till it stops about and inch below my right scapula (shoulder-blade) I'd say it's about 6-7 inches in length. Anyway, however long or short it might be or no matter what the shape is, all I've come to find out--the "hard way"-- is that "X marks the spot because it's exactly at the center of where everyone very naturually wants to hug and pat me!!! I'm reminded of this because yesterday when I went to work, thank God I was "present" enough to remember to forewarn everybody to please be "gentle" in greeting me! :-)

I was there visiting my Manager, in his office, for no longer than 2 minutes when issues presented themselves requiring him to decide on the best way (and what's right and fair) to handle yet one more "call-in gone awry"... Somehow it felt as if I'd never left the place. (God but I love the "smell of Napalm in the morning"). All in all, it was really wonderful for me to see everybody. Like I said, my consciousness was firmly locked into a "Love Plain"...

Oh well, that be about it right now. At present, I'm sitting outside in Victorville (i.e., my backyard, appropriately named by Jason Hughes) and am thoroughly enjoying the afternoon. I especially enjoy the wide variety of birds that come by to visit as they partake of the birdfood I've put out in my feeder. Man! You should see all the different varieties! I went to Barnes & Nobles the other day and picked up a field copy of "Georgia Birds". Incredible pictures, which is catalogued according to "color"--i.e., all the "black" colored birds, the yellow ones, etc., etc. In the brief space and time that I've been sitting here, I've seen no less than a couple of bluebirds, (it's amazing how orange their breast is) a couple of doves, assorted and sundry finches, cardinals and my "new" favorite, the irridescent "Grackles". This bird's really got it going as far as I'm concerned! They resemble "crows" but their heads and beginnings of their breasts and wings are either blue-ish or purple or--Oh yeah , I even saw a red winged blackbird come by for some of my hotmeats. I got sick and tired of the squirrels (Nature's "Pigs") hogging up the bird feeder and eating all the feed, so I went out and bought this "hotmeat" feed. Evidently, the birds love it but the squirrel find it too "hot" on their digestive system. Cool, huh? Anyway, all I can say is that the number and variety of birds have drastically increased since I got this new birdfood, and I believe the reason is that now they can all have "Spicey food" at Victorville.

That's all I've got to comment on at the moment. Oh yeah, in an effort to make this experience, perhaps a bit more "interactive", while few of you have actually posted comments, perhaps I could suggest that if you're reluctant to share your own thoughts and views (in the form of comments) that you might want to simply write and give me some suggestions as to what subjects you might like me to address in my own future postings. I'd really enjoy that and promise to at least be extremely "honest" in my responses! That, coupled with my often warped sense of humor might make it fairly interesting from this point going forward.

Take Care and KMLAAY (Keep My Love All Around You)

Victor

P.S. My hair has now grown in, and while it's still the same salt n pepper color, it's now definitely "curley" in the back!!! This is new and all I can say is that I'm glad I can only "feel" it and now see it!

Nearing "Normalcy"...

It has been said by the sage that we often appreciate what it is that we "have" only after we discover that, for whatever reasons that be, we no longer have it/them! Another way of phrasing this is that we take whatever it is we have so much "for granted" that the only way we "notice" them, is usually only after we've lost what it is we've been taking for granted!

Once, several years ago, after having my back "go out" and experiencing difficulty in the simple act of tying my shoelaces, was I able to note and then articulate what a blessing it was to be able to simply lean over and tie my shoes! It's so intrinsically ingrained, that we do (shame on us) take these so called "givens" entirely for granted, almost as if we're "entitled" to these powers and abilities.

Well, once you've fallen through the mirror, as have I, and come out on the other side, believe me, I now appreciate with a renewed sense of gratitude, actually each and every second of my life and certainly all that comes along with it in a host of powers and abilities--i.e., what it is I can and cannot "do"...

How about the simple act of Breathing, for example: I now, almost consciously, appreciate each unlabored breath that comes and goes of its own accord...

Today, Monday, February4, I stand before my wall calendar in the kitchen, the one I use to reflect all my various and sundry Doctor's appointments, hopital and lab procedures, scans, and medical followups, etc. For the past several --i.e., 5 months or so--my calendars have been nearly filled with multiple appointments, often 2 to 3 per day in some cases. Now, something quite unusual looms ahead of me. I note, with a growing smile on my "soul", that I have no Dr's appointments, until one week from this coming Wednesday! That's about 10 days of "freedom" or not "having' to be somewhere for something medically related. Wow! What a miracle! I smile as the thought begins to crystalize within, "Hey! I'm approaching "Normalcy"!" My! But Oh My, My!!!

Another example: Yesterday was Superbowl Sunday and, in an effort to be somewhat prepared for a small amount of company coming by to watch the game with me, I had my daugher drive me to Costco's on the Saturday prior to the game. Guess what! I actually sampled everything in sight!!! That's right! Pizza! Wings! Ham! Whatever it was they were dishing out, I was inputting left and right! Another demonstrative example of approaching "Normalcy"... Bigtime! I mean, not bad for a guy who, until this past Monday, January 14 had been on a clear liquid diet only! I LOVE It!!!

And it's not so much what it is that I "notice" so much as what it is that I realize I "have".... Literally, each and every blessed second of my life is yet one more measure of Grace... a tiny and precious grain of sand in the hourglass of God's Pure Love and Gifts! All this has created within me, a pronounced attitudinal change to one of almost "active" gratitude! Instead of realizing I'm grateful for thus and such, after seeing or experiencing an example, I now proactively like to reflect on everything I have and all that I am. This is a wonderful way to begin the day or to complete it! Either way it's all the same coin, whichever side you happen to be on.

So then, Thank You My Lord and God, Provider of all abundance, Love and Blessings...Thank You for all Your exquisite Protection and Guidance. Thank You for Your gifts, including the "unanswered" ones; Thank You for my growing Wisdom, thankYou for my dawning Appreciation and Gratitude. And today, espcially, I pause, reflect, and then offer You my praise for simply showing me signs of my approaching Normalcy!!!...

Thank You! Thank You! Thank You Soooooooooooooo Much For Everything!

I am reminded of the following quote from a little book called "Gentle Rain" I used to read to my children:

"Every Good Gift, and Every Pefect Gift is from Above and Cometh Down from the Father of Lights! Behold! There shall be Showers of Blessings!"

"Catch Up"...("There Ain't No Accidents In Creation")!!!

Well my oh my oh MY! What a wild and crazy ride this whole trip is! Seems like yesterday when I last entered my New Years Greeting, and, on the other side of the coin, seems like a lifetime! In fact, several lifetimes, to be sure!

Let's see, where to begin? OK! A brief reference to "Trouble in Paradise" (i.e. friction breaks out rampantly between Jessie --my Daughter/"Main Caretaker" and Myself). I really don't want to delve too deeply here, but let's suffice it to say that because of several "uniquenessies" (Sp?) of Jessie's personality and my needs, she melted down culminating in the day about 2 weeks ago when she "dropped me off at the N. Fulton E.R." after I noticed that my feeding tube had "fallen out of my body and was on the ground beneath my feet", and proceeded to leave me there unattended!!! Like I said, I'm really not going to delve into this at this point--perhaps down the road when enough time/distance has elapsed... Anyway, my Fiance, God Bless Diane, immediately came to my rescue and was by my side during the entire 3-4 hour ensuing ordeal!

Then, Rick Abell, one of my truest, dearest friends/ (Really and actually an Angel sent to me at this precise time and place due to what then transpired--that's right, a Real Angel From God! There are No Accidents in this Creation, only the appearance of synergystic coincidental circumstance. By the way, it's almost as rediculous to deny that this whole thing runs like the most perfect Swiss Clock (Army Knives are good, too!) with True Intelligence providing EVERYTHING from guidance and direction to the actual "Doings" that we think we are providing. (To deny this is almost, to my feeble mind, is as rediculous as saying that if there were an explosion inside a moveabe type factory, that the Unexpurgated Volumes, Plays, Poems, Works, etc. of Shakespeare would appear, intact, blasting through the walls, at the other end!!!)

Anyway, back to Rick Abell: He arrived here a week ago, Tuesday, January 16th. On Wednesday, all hell broke loose... I went to the Doctor for a routine visit to check my glucose levels and he told me I had a 101.6 fever! Could be serious, off to my Chemo Doctor.... infused me with Rosefin, an antibiotic and sent me to the N.F.E.R. for an infusion of Vancomycin. (this needs be administered very slowly as slightly too fast and Bango, you've got --no joke here, and any lurking anti-Columbusites out there, do NOT take heart--"Red Man Syndrome"--sort of what it sounds like... you turn beet red and become hot, etc. Hence, the slow- drip/drip/drip --sort of like humming the "Syncopated Clock" Tune to yourself in halftime-- or No, what's that crazy Jeopardy theme "DOO DOO DOO--DOO DOO DOO-- DOO Do Doo Doo Do Do Doo--Oh well, you get the picture, I'm sure! Anyway this takes 90 minutes for the infusion via my Pik Line (the appendage inserted into my right inner elbow area from which I was fed via the hideous TPN (Total Parental Neutrician).... Bottom line, they find out that the Pik line is infected! So, literally every day since, I've gone for these 90 minute to 2 hour infusions of Vancomycin at the North Fulton Regional Hosp Out Patient Clinic. except for Sat and Sun, when I had the pleasure of performing the same at the Northside Hospital Infusion Center as the out patient Clinic at NFRH is closed on the weekends . They they removed the "bad boy" (the infected pik line last Friday and reinserted a new pik line inside my left inner elbow for the same purpose--i.e., receiving these infusions of antibiotics. However, I must've forgotten to mention that all during this I'm taking 5 mg.s / day of Cumudin (a notorious blood thinner due to the Phlebotomy I had when I awoke from surgery on the 29th of November at St. Joes' hospital. They had me on Heparin for this for most of my hospital stay, however, switched me over to cumudin--which I'm told really needs to be most dilligently monitored for the initial period of usage --(AND WHICH WASN'T). and, long story longer, because my blood I & R (a meaure of my blood's thinness and ability to clot, etc. was up to a 7 where as a 3 is normal) when the installed the new pik line-- that's right you guessed it Sparky, I wouldn't/couldn't stop bleeding! After Friday's ensuing infusion of Vancomycin, which now takes 2 hours by the way due to the fact that they couldn't really get it all the way into my "central lines" due to my power port, (remember "Harry Porter" which was installed way back on Aug 17 so I could receive my Chemo infusions? Anyway, this was somehow blocking the placement of this new pik line and hence the additional half hour of fun and games! On Fri night, it's back to the ER due to the non stop of bleeding and a Doctor gives me a "purse string stitch" to keep the tissue together and stop the bleeding. The bleeding stops, however, the "oozing" doesn't... (Hey! I couldn't make all this up if I tried)... anyhoo, they wrap it up so much with pressure bandages, etc. that it appears to be no longer bleeding and i go home. That was the "Lifetime" called "Last Friday"... On Saturday, I go to Northside for the infusion, only when they strip my bandage, there's this frigging pool of blood welled up, etc. Anyway, I get my infusion, have it wrapped up extra tight, and go home .... Sunday , Bloody Sunday, comes and, once again when I arrive at Northside, this time they insist I go to the ER at NFRH again to check my PTT (Clotting factors, etc.) Basically I wait there for 4 hours and watch the entire New England vs. Sad Diego Football championship gave in my ER cubicle and eventually receive one tiny pill of Vitamin K. (helps clotting) By the way, I'm supposed to have my Port removed this coming Thursday, Jan 24th, so I was supposed to stop the cumudin 4 days prior, well ,pardon me, but I stopped it as of Friday night!

All during this and other "normal" episodes, Rick Abell (the most perfectly surnamed person in the Universe) is physically opening doors, belting me into my carseat, helping me with my clothes, food, travel, he's there by my side 24-7! WoW! What a guy... Like I said, There aint no accidents, and he's my angel sent from God for me at this precise time and place performing one non-stop act of Selfless Service after another, etc., etc., etc., (He originally is scheduled to return home on Tues, Jan 22, but when he observes just how hectic my life is and what the hell is breaking loose all around me, he calls Delta and pushes his flight back to return to Colorado on Friday, Jan 25, just so he can make sure I'm okay on Thurs, when I'm to go to the hospital to have my port taken out!

Thank You Brother Rick! And May God Certainly Bless and Keep You, My Dearest Friend!

The Happiest of New Years To Each & All of Us!

Happy New Year!


I just don’t know where to begin, so we’ll just do if from here and see how it flows.

Spoke to my Doctor, the Surgeon, Dr. Moore today and, after reviewing my x rays said everything looked good and how’d I like to go home tomorrow?!!! I couldn’t really believe my ears, but medication notwithstanding, I believe this actually might occur tomorrow sometime morning / afternoon!

Don’t know if you’ve been able to keep up with what’s turned into my “Odyssey” here, but to recap: came in to St. Joe’s in good spirits and a great frame of mind on 11-29! I expected about a 5-6 hour Surgery where they’d cut out some of my pylorus (part of the stomach) then staple it to what was left of my esophagus, and place it near my upper left chest wall. Thought I’d be in ICU around 5 days and then in the hospital for another 5 days or so and then (get thee behind me Satan) let me get home and get on with my healing and life! (By the way, sincerely, the surgeon told me that he did not see one shred of evidence of any remaining cancerous substance in my body)… YES!!!!!!!!!!

So much for all the best laid plans of Mice and Men; or as Johnny Lennon was fond of saying to his son Sean: “Before you cross the street, better take my hand; Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans”!

About 1 week after being in the hospital (I was at this point transferred out of the ICU and was, where I presently am, in the pulmonary floor) some very scary stuff began happening. Without exaggeration it felt as if my breath capacity was barely enough for 2 thimblesful of Oxygen to fill it. Talk about pure panic. Sorry, but out of just about every single biological function I can possibly scour my memory banks to elicit here, I’d honestly say that Breathing has to be right up there at the very tippy-top of the whole damn list! I’ve been on this planet for about 62 years now and I can tell you that this was absolutely the scariest feeling I’ve ever experienced! I mean just try to imagine for a second just flat out not being able to catch your breath and having this repeatedly go on for hours on end, with no apparent let up in sight!

Anyway, they then did a left lung tap and removed around 1 liter of fluid from my left lung! YES! I DID feel relief when it was over! Alas, this relieved feeling lasted for about a day, because in another 2-3 days, they tapped my lung again and this time removed around 1.4 liters of fluid! Then, on Saturday, December 8 or maybe it was the 15th (not sure here) they tapped it again and left a catheter in my back. Whatever Saturday it was, all I know is that within the next 3-4 days they then removed an additional total of 4 (FOUR) liters of fluid from my left lung! Holy crap here Batman, but last time I checked I thought I was listed as “Mammal” and not “Amphibian” or “Ichthyosaurus” or however the hell it is that you want to say “Fish” in Latin! I mean, aside from not trying what I’m about to suggest that you do at home alone, any time soon, (or actually anytime at all) imagine chugging a couple of 2 liter bottles of diet coke or whatever it is that floats your boat ever so merrily downstream and this time instead of chugging it try Breathing through it instead!!! ‘Nuff said! Scary, very, very, scary indeed! In retrospect it was a hell of a lot worse than being told by one of the Techs here that: “Mr. Paul, this is all in your mind, it’s just your anxiety level kicking in!” (Here you go Ms. Tech, I’d rather like to take a stab at “I’m afraid I’ve got no frigging clue as to what I’m talking about” for $20, Alex!)


Anyway, things at this point really do seem to have swung completely around and the situation is just infinitely so much better than it was and I feel and see daily improvement within myself, I’m actually quite grateful for everything—and I do mean EVERYTHING! Yes, even the Tech as I’m sure she was doing the best she could and was simply trying to help calm me down. If there’s one thing my whole 1 month plus stay in this facility has taught me, its that the one—the only—the indispensable ingredient as an absolute prerequisite ingredient for working in the Health Care Profession is simply LOVE!!!!!

In fact, if I may be so bold, forget “Healthcare”, Love is the quintessential ingredient necessary for the successful flow of ANYTHING! It’s the grease and oil in the elixir of Life; it’s the roll in Rock ‘n’… it’s everything there is; everything there was and everything there will ever be! It’s the whole world wide web and ever spinning matrix of Creation itself! It’s what makes the trains run on time; it’s the rebirth in Spring, as well as the icy exhalation of a frosty winter’s sleep! It’s the secret within the wondrous gaze as a child first beholds Heaven’s pure majesty on a star filled night! It’s all this and … imagine for a second… this is but the quick view, thumbnail plans and specs version of the chrysalis within the butterfly within the caterpillar! And again, it’s but the barest of beginnings…

I’m glad for my time in the hospital. I’m grateful for the change in view it’s afforded me to be cognizant of. I’m grateful for a truly wonderful New Year pregnant with the pulsation of infinite possibility and newness of Life. And I’m truly humbled and appreciative, beyond words, for everyone’s prayers, support, and oh yes, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!

Happy New Year!

KMLAAY

Victor

Status Update

First, I want to thank everyone for all the prayers and support! Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I know I can thank you on behalf of Jessie and Diane. Most importantly, Thank You from my dad!

(Please bare with me as I write this. I am exhausted and have had very little sleep!)

Thursday was a long day of waiting. My dad checked into the hospital around 5:30 AM. They gave him a "don't care" shot and he was very cute. All smiles :-) Suddenly, he appeared small and fragile to me. This was despite the fact that in general, he's been looking the best he had since he finished his chemo and radiation. But it was time for them to wheel him away and I remember thinking that I wasn't ready even though he was. It was shortly after 7 when they took him away.

Jessie, Diane and I went to the waiting room where we took up residence. We waited and waited. We got few updates. Mostly it was just that he was "still in surgery" and it was "going well." After what seemed like ages, they told us they were beginning the "thorachotomy"... (I'm still not positive which part that was). And finally, we were told it was over! I think it was after 3 PM. Please keep in mind that all day I noticed surgeons coming out and speaking with family members. Suddenly, a volunteer came to us and told us that she was going to escort us to a room for the surgeon to be able to speak with us privately. When we got in the room I asked Diane what she thought about this and she confessed that she was nervous. I just kept thinking about all those surgeons I had seen talking to family members out in the main waiting room. Then I said a silent prayer, and remembered that God is in control. Let go, let God...

Dr. Moore (sp?) came in and said it went well. It was even one of the best he's ever seen! He could tell how excited we were to hear that. However, he cautioned us that my dad "isn't out of the woods yet." There can be any number of complications because this was such a major surgery and he wouldn't be cleared as "good to go" till at least 5 days post-op in the ICU. It would be another 45 minutes or so before we could see my dad. Dr. Moore also said that we should be prepared to see him with a ventilator for a couple of days and that he might look like he had been hit by a truck. ;-)

We rushed up to the ICU as soon as we were allowed. We walked around a little lost and saw a pale bald cancer patient, fresh out of surgery, on a ventilator and looking "like he was hit by a truck." We told the nurse showing us around that we thought it was him... Oooops... Just another pale bald man. Then from down the hall, I turned to see my dad being wheeled towards us on his bed. Not only was there no ventilator attached to him, but he was smiling a huge smile and holding BOTH thumbs up! The nurse who was wheeling him stopped and said he did great and that he thought he might have had the wrong patient because my dad was doing so well! He was talking and alert! I had honestly feared that he wouldn't have even known that I was here the entire time of my visit. Everyone was so impressed! All the nurses commented on how wonderfully he was doing. After they got him settled we finally got to have a nice little visit. What an amazing sigh of relief!

Let me just tell you about the tubes and wires. He is WIRED! There are so many tubes and wires coming out every which way! There is a nasal intubation (NG Tube) that is sewn into his nose. He doesn't like it. hehe - who would? But he's adorable. So cute trying to look at the tube at the end of his nose, crossing his eyes. He had an epidural as well. I told him now that we have something in common and that I LOVED my epidural! (Personally, with Jacob, I professed my undying love to my anesthesiologist.) He's got a wired button to call the nurse, a wired button for pain meds, and he has his own "harry potter wand." Its a tube for suction like at the dentist. He was waving it around saying "expelaramous!" I love that he has a sense of humor!

Last night he had no pain, per se, but he had a lot of discomfort. Unfortunately today, as the epidural wore off, he began to experience pain in his chest where there is an incision. But, when we left the hospital tonight, with the help of new pain meds, he was back to "discomfort" so I felt good about that.

I am sure that there is much that I am forgetting. But he is doing so well. OH - I forgot - he got up today and was placed in a chair! Sitting up! What a big boy :-). He is an overachiever and I know he wants his recovery to be as quick as possible, but he's going to have to take it easy. :-D

We took some photos so you can see all the tubes! Fun fun! Enjoy!

Please continue to send your powerful thoughts and prayers his way. Thank you!
Ahna

The Equal Validity Of Dreams...

“Remember Mind; REMEMBER!”… Back to Basics

(This quote above is from The Ten Principal Upanishads)

As CEO of “Get Well, Inc.”, I now find myself faced with a choice. Since this is my blog, I can choose to write in whatsoever a manner I find pleasing. What I’ve decided, is to put down the mantle of “propriety” and stop saying what I think I should! Instead, I’m now going to venture a little farther out on the limb and simply speak from my heart with “Integrity”! No self-judgment—neither condemnation, nor praise—likewise no self-criticism nor approval seeking. As Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen, author of a fantastic book called “Kitchen Table Wisdom” says, for our lives to move forward and allow our life force to grow it is best to operate from our “Wholeness”… perceived warts and all, otherwise, the limiting space that arises between our spontaneous thought processes and our ensuing editorial judgments as to how to best present our thoughts, can actually be quite stifling (as far as letting our truth blossom)…

I recently sent the following “Progress Report out to about 75 people via email:

Got some "Good News" on Monday. Met with my Oncologist (the Chemo doc who's been coordinating everything). Basically, he reviewed all the tests of last week (the Endoscope on the 24th and the CT/PET Scan of the 25th). All the biopsies came back absolutely NEGATIVE, i..e., no signs of any cancer. That said, he then, of course, "hedged his bets" by saying that the lower walls of the esophogus remained somewhat narrowed and thickened, which could (and which I believe is the case) be due to the aftereffects of the radiation therapy, however it could also possibly be some residual tumer or cancer cells embedded in the esophogeal walls. Unfortunately, or whatever, the only way to know is to "cut it out" (i.e. Surgery) and examine it via a pathology report. This is the course that it seems like everybody, with the exception of Dr. Li, seem to want to follow as it does offer the greatest chances of full recovery and "cure".
So, while I cant absolutely say I am "Cancer Free", this is the best news that I could have gotten and all indications are as positive as they can be and I choose to attest to and affirm that "I Am Cancer FREE"!!!

I met with the Surgeon yesterday, Dr John E. Moore at St. Joseph's Hospital. As my goal, all along, ever since first discovering all this back on August 6, has been, and continues to be "Get all this behind me and then to move forward with my life, As Soon As Possible" I decided, after meeting with him and discussing all of it, and then being quiet for 10 minutes and asking Baba for an answer to the question "Should I go ahead and have this surgery and should I do it with this surgeon?" (the answer I heard was an immediate, "Yes... Yes... Yes"), I told him I decided to do this and to go ahead and schedule it ASAP. I'll find out pretty soon exactly when this will be; the best he was able to guestimate was "sometime in November/December". They have to coordinate 2 surgeons' schedules, etc., (a General Surgeon whom Dr Moore works with all the time who will be making an incision and removing part of my abdomen, hopefully as little as possible, and then Dr Moore would turn me onto my left side, make an incision in my right side, and remove what sounds like quite a sizable portion of my esophogus, he'd then pull what's remaining of my stomach up into my right chest, lay it against my spine and reattach via staple, the remaining ends of my stomach to my esophogus. The whole operation takes about 6 hours! It all sounded quite frightening and, in many regards, it was one of the scariest discussions I've ever participated in! While each individual is unique, and this includes their inner life force and healing abilities, he expects me to be in the ICU, possibly on a ventilator at the beginning, for up to a week and then in the Hospital for probably a total of 10 days to 2 weeks, during which time I'll be fed via feeding tubes, etc. He expects that it'll take up to 6 months to "recover" fully from the operation, i. e. to not only heal, but to regain my energy, etc.

I asked what are the "odds" if I elected Not to do the surgery, and he told me that the people who choose this course are looking at a 30% survivor rate, overall, without recurrence, etc. In fact, when I asked him this particular question, he gestured toward the door and told me that the gentleman in the room right across the hall, did exactly this. In 2006, he underwent Radiation and Chemo for esophogeal cancer, and from that time till now, (and no less than 5 subsequent endoscopies alll showed no evidence of cancer) until recently, when he cancer "came back"! Now, the ONLY option he has is surgery and the chances are "iffy"... Also, 5% of the people operated on develop a condition while in the hospital, I believe, where their lungs "weep" (sounds to me like they take on fluid and basically cant breathe) and they then die. I asked about mortality rates from this surgery (and here again, I'll take these odds!!!) I'm not sure if it's 8% or 12% overall who die--and this is from "all kinds of things", i.e., having heart attacks long after the surgery, etc.

Basically, it seems that the "best course and best practices according to the Western Medical community", seem to definitely point to surgery, if for no other reason than the only way they can be certain that there are no remaining cancer cells, is to do the surgery and then examine microscopically via pathology the removed tissue... (By the way, my brain CT Scan and my PET Scan all are excellent and do NOT show any additional traces of cancer in my body!)

Anyway, this is the latest I have to report! To sum it up... looks like one more, major, life-altering, hurdle and then, God Willing, "Let's keep on rockin' in the free world"!!!

Thanks for all your love, energy, support and prayers on my behalf!

KMLAAY

Victor

Ok! That’s what I sent out… In perspective, I’d say that about 95% of the responses were extremely positive, wishing me well and promising to keep me in their prayers, and offering various forms of support! That’s the good news. The next day, I received no less than 4 communications of a “questioning” nature re my decision to proceed along the course I had set before me.

The first was from a dear friend who simply strongly suggested I get a second opinion before proceeding with something which was potentially so “life altering”… (Ostensibly, this certainly makes good sense, and if the shoe were on the other foot, I’d possibly/probably make a similar type suggestion myself!)…

The second one was from a “Healer” and woman whom I greatly respect and who, also, suggested a seek out a second opinion only this one with a “naturopath” (i.e., a person who works along an alternate path advocating good health via proper nutrition, like a raw food diet, etc.). This one, personally, did not resonate comfortably.

Then came the “humdinger”… The person who wrote it I truly love and respect. He sent me no less than 11 websites and/or places to go on the internet, strongly letting me know that I should hold off my pending course of action for at least 6 months and research it thoroughly and completely as this surgery was so highly invasive, complex, and potentially life altering/threatening, etc. He went on to give an example of how he had stopped a pending surgery on his wife’s foot the weekend prior to her surgery as he had discovered that other people who went through this were each in quite a bit of pain and discomfort, a couple of years after their operations, and whatever alternative course of action my friend chose to pursue, his wife is now fine and very comfortable in this regard! Implicit (and explicit) was his view that the particular surgeon in question was out to make a few bucks at his wife’s “expense”! By the way, this individual (my friend) was the former head of training for a huge Corporation which manufactures, among other medical products, defibrillators. He went on further to tell me that in his experience, having trained more than 3000 cardiac surgeons during his 25 year tenure with his company, that about 98% of this population seemed to have their—in my own words, here—hearts in their pocketbooks! Now remember, this is a friend of mine whom I feel very close to, and whose base of medical knowledge is certainly well beyond mine.

And lastly, a wonderful and life long friend of my family’s, an RN who was probably my wife’s closest and dearest friend ever since my family first moved to Georgia in 1983, and who currently works with these kinds of “Radical-Surgery-Patients” every day, began her conversation with me by questioning whether I was sure that this (my own upcoming surgery) was the correct thing for me to do!!! (To set the record absolutely straight, she did say that whatever I decided to do, that she would be support me in my decision and be there for me in whatever capacity I might require.)…

Well, now, I don’t know about you, dear reader, but to say that this boy was definitely “thrown for a loop”, is an understatement of “Biblical Proportions”! Every one of these well intentioned people’s own doubts and fears, began playing with and fogging up the mirror of my own mind, until they all coalesced into a cacophonous crescendo of confusion and uncertainty! Forget my own practices and disciplines of asking for and then going with my inner guidance; forget that the seeds of this course of action (the surgery that I am going to have) was planted in a totally straightforward and unambiguous fashion from day one by my own chemo and radiation oncologists; forget that I myself was expecting this from the get-go; all I know is that—let’s call it what it is—fear took over with every bit of its nagging power and seemingly occupied the conscious forefront of my heart and mind!

OK Sportsfans, lets flash forward! It’s now about a week since I sat and wrote the above. I’ve just returned from the “second opinion” by a surgeon who himself was diagnosed with throat cancer some 4 years prior. He absolutely concurred with my intended course of action and was even a bit more pessimistic as to the odds of my not having surgery and then experiencing a recurrence (The first surgeon said the odds were in the 30% category—i.e., only 30% of those electing to forego surgery would not have a recurrence, whereas this second doctor said that he thought the odds were actually closer to about only 20% of those electing to take a “surgical pass” would not experience a recurrence. While I realize that “statistics can be one of the largest sources of lies known to man” I still find these ratios powerfully compelling!

I also have to realize that regardless of anybody else’s concerns and loving and good intentions for my wellbeing, that each person out there views the world through their own filters and perceptions and that their “dream” is no more “real” than is “mine”! (Actually, for me myself, my own “dream” is what I must learn to honor, believe in, and ultimately, live!)

I am reminded of a Toltec wisdom book called “The Four Agreements”. In it, the author, Don Miguel Ruiz perceives “reality” from a heightened state of awareness and then relates that each of us perceives the world from our own limited point of view; actually, he says that each of us, in an unlimited state of awareness are like “shining mirrors” simply reflecting the light (or Universal Consciousness) and that when we return to our “normal” state of awareness, that our mirrors become covered with a coating or substance which substantially alters the light that we can then reflect. He says that we each live in our own “dream”, and therefore, the “third” agreement is: “Never take anything that anyone else says, or does, personally” , (as their perception is simply that individual’s “own dream”—valid for themselves, no doubt, but not necessarily valid for anyone else! Thus, it seems to me that part of my present work is for me to simply remember the following:

I’ve got my own dreams from, and in which, to view the world!

Interesting, but I just received another email from the woman I referred to above—the healer who suggested that I seek out a naturopath for a 2nd opinion. Now you’ve got to understand, I really believe that this is a lady of great intelligence and wisdom, and whose words, and views, I truly admire and respect. However, Not for Me and Not in My Case!!!

Following is part of her email:

I must tell you that I would prefer to see you take six months and make the lifestyle, emotional and thinking changes that will support a cancer-free body rather than have that surgery. If you don’t do those things, the cancer is likely to come back after your surgery. Tell the doctors you want to do “watchful waiting.” What would Sai Baba say?

My response:

(Name withheld), First of all, I think you know that I am deeply respectful of your wisdom and being, and truly honor the "testament" that you are to what you have achieved with your own healing.
That said, as we are all different, all that each of us can do is get in touch with his or her own self; get quiet, meditate, pray, etc., and then decide what is best for our own selves. As for me, after a period of weighing all kinds of factors, I've come to a decision which is different from what it is that you are saying you'd prefer that I do. I've spent a great deal of time ever since first becoming aware of this condition back in August, in working as best I know how, along with loving guidance and prayers, etc., from a great deal of people (yourself certainly included in these), to guard my thinking, to be centered and truly live in each present moment (where Presence lives and fear does not); while I haven't become a "raw food exclusive" eater, my diet has changed considerably towards the "healthy", and I've sought Spiritual guidance from a number of respected sources, and taken from each of these that which has resonated as comfortable and valid for me, and tried as best I know how to incorporate this into my "daily routine". I believe, over all, I am a better person as a result!
Yesterday, I sat for a 2nd opinion from a chemo oncologist at Piedmont Hospital, who had himself been diagnosed, 4 years ago, with throat cancer. While this is certainly different from what it is that I have, he was even more "pessimistic" about the "odds" of surviving long term without recurrence should I elect to not have the surgery. (My own surgeon told me around 30% of people who don't have surgery and have esophogeal cancer are ok--meaning that 70% have a recurrence; this new doctor said he'd suspect that the odds were really closer to only 20%!)
All along, one of my stated main goals in this journey, has been to do whatever necessary in order to "get this all behind me as quickly as possible, so that I could then get on with the rest of my life, also as quickly as possible!" While a 6 month hiatus doesn't sound "long" from a "remainder of my life" perspective, from the space-time frame of reference of "what I've been through and what I'm presently going through" it feels "too long" for me. (There are also practical matters such as economics--i.e., I'd need to return to work which would jeopardize the disability income that I'm currently receiving). As far as “what would Sai Baba say?”: While I certainly cannot claim to "speak for him", I believe that I did hear him very clearly when I became silent and asked him the following question:
"Swami! Should I have this surgery, and should I have it with this surgeon?".
(By the way, I've done this particular exercise—I’m not sure but I'd guestimate that it's been around slightly less than a total of 10 times throughout my life—and what I can say with "hindsight being 20-20”, and absolute certainty, is that each time I did this, the answer I received was 100% True and that furthermore, this practice has "Never let me down!") The answer that I heard to this specific question was an extremely clear, "Yes! Yes! Yes!”)
(Name withheld), while I deeply appreciate your concerns and your wishes, I believe that in the past (and I forget what the context was) you said something to the effect that whereas some course of action might not be the one that would work for you that the being who made that decision was to be honored. (Remember now, I'm probably taking liberties in paraphrasing you here, but my point, I believe, will resonate with you.) So, while you would apparently choose a very different course of action, I'd sincerely hope that you'd honor whatever course I may choose for myself that would be comfortable for me; and, if possible, that you would continue to send me all of your love and support for "the perceived reality of my own being and my own journey"...
Also, during the approximately 6 months that it'll take for me to heal and recover from the surgery, I don't see why I couldn't use this period of time to "make the lifestyle, emotional and thinking changes that will support a cancer-free body"?
Belive me, (Name withheld), while I do appreciate your concerns, very honestly, what I need in my life now, are those people who, because of their love for me, can/will love and support me in my own health decisions, even though they may differ from their own.
Thank you again for everything that you've already done for me and on my behalf, and I sincerely hope that you'll be there for me in the same capacity going forward!
I love you very much, and thanks again!
Victor

Again, all I can do is to view the world as I will and then to refer to it from my own “integrity”! May the Loving Lord of All The Worlds bless and love me, you, and everyone!

OM
Loka Samastha, Sukino Bhavantu,
Loka Samastha, Sukino Bhavantu,
Loka Samastha, Sukino Bhavantu,
Om, Shanthi, Shanthi, Shanthi!

Translation:

“May All The Beings, In All The Worlds, Always Be Happy,
Peace… Peace… Peace…”

So then, as I said earlier, “Back to Basics”: My present work is to focus on the following:

1) I Am “That” I Am…
2) The only “Reality” is This Present Moment, “The Eternal NOW”…
3) My current full-time job, consists simply of being conscious and “Remembering
Number 2”!...

My Miracle--Can I hear an "Amen"?

My Miracle:

“Faith” is resting assured and certain, in things unseen…

While this one might not move any mountains, all I know is that the sun definitely rose over my own heart! Without going into too much detail, when it comes to matters of “Faith”, I personally believe the following:

There is a Loving, and Universal Creative Principal, whose “Nature” is comprised of three essential aspects:

1 ) All-Consciousness (Omnipresence)
2) All-Knowledge (Omniscience) and
3) Bliss: (this one equates to, and contains, what is often referred to as Omnipotence)… Actually, the word “Bliss” to me connotes an everlasting State of Spiritual or Transcendent Ecstasy, which transcends our normal perceptions of “emotional movement” along the transitory / momentary continuum of , “Joy & Sorrow”…

Furthermore, this “Principal” is All Embracing as well as All Inclusive. It is, at one and the same time, within manifest creation, as well as beyond it… It is, very simply, anything and everything that ever has been, is now, or will ever come into existence; it is both “The Manifest” and “Un-Manifest” and, if such a concept can even be sensibly expressed, what lies beyond these poles…

Different people refer to it by whichever particular names and or forms they may personally regard as “adorable”… Each and everyone of these views, to my mind, is correct! For now, I will simply refer to this object of adoration, or worship, as “God”. My understanding of “God” is that It is, quite simply, the totality of everything that exists—a Source of Energy manifesting as the Essence of every single life-form, animate or inanimate, which “comes into creation”. If you think of this all encompassing “Energy” as a “Sub-stratum” over, or around which beings embody, then you’ve come pretty close to sharing my understanding…

I once attended a School in New York City, which referred to this as “The Absolute” and, as I recall, they used to say that if you reject The Absolute “anywhere” you reject it “everywhere”… This continues to resonate as “True” to this day.

Without trying to push my views on anyone, I have personally enjoyed calling out to God by a particular Name and Form which is very dear to my own heart, and which has come about as a result of some very deeply intimate and compelling personal experiences which I feel extremely blessed to have been able to participate in, over the years…

So then, I do believe in, and “follow”, a particular “Channel” or “Vehicle”, to which I call out in times of personal need, and which I worship and adore, and, which allows me to feel, and have, a “personal connection/relationship” with “God”… The particular Name / Form that I’m referring to is an 82 year old Indian Gentleman by the name of Sai Baba…

The only other thing I need to share, which will shed light on the following, is that one of his “hallmarks” lies in his power to “manifest” anything—from “nowhere”, or “non-existence” if you will, into this dimension of plain physical reality or “material existence”. That’s right, and, I’ve personally witnessed a few of these “miraculous” acts of manifestation right before my own eyes—once from a distance of less than 2 feet away! (By the way, He refers to these acts as his “calling cards”, and then goes on to further elucidate : (to paraphrase) “I give them what they want so that I can get their attention; and then I give them what it is that I have come to give"...

Probably one of the most “commonly recurrent” objects he manifests is a fine “powdery” substance which emanates from, and then pours out of his palm; this is called “Vhibhuti” (pronounced: Vi (as in Victor) -boo-tee). This substance is both highly fragrant and has often been known to have highly potent healing powers for individuals, regarding infirmities and diseases both minor and life threatening. I equate it to “Holy Ash”; this can be either applied (i.e. rubbed onto the body physically), or ingested (i.e. swallowed directly or mixed into water and then drunk)…

In any event, 2 Saturday nights ago, I felt like attending a worship service which is held on a weekly basis here in Atlanta. The last meeting I attended was sometime back in July, prior to discovering I had cancer. I simply felt like having my “batteries re-charged”!

While driving there, the thought came to mind that I’d really like to get some vhibhuti from the center so that I could take it back home with me, and that I’d really like to get some type of “special” vhibhuti—i.e., a type made directly by Baba himself and not the other kind that is made in his Ashram, (Spiritual enclave) and then is blessed by him. Anyway, these were the thoughts that ran through my mind.

I attended the service and, after its conclusion, I remained sitting for a little while afterwards, lost in my own meditation and inner reflection. Upon opening my eyes, I noticed that the entire room (which had previously been filled with approximately 100 people) was now completely empty save 2 other individuals along with myself. I stood up and made to leave. Immediately before walking out the door, I saw that one of the remaining gentleman was an acquaintance of mine who was kind of highly placed on the “food chain” within the U.S. organizational structure. He, thus, would have been "the perfect” person for me to have made my request of. When he saw me, he extended his hand and asked how I was. I told him “wonderful” and that I believed that Baba was curing me. We then hugged, and for some unknown reason I chose not to say anything further. I then left the room, went downstairs, put my shoes on and returned upstairs.

As I was heading for the exit door, an older gentleman, whom I had met back in 98 when I first began attending the meetings at the center, noticed me and inquired as to how I was. I told him that I thought that Baba was curing me of cancer! Without a word, he reached into his pocket, and pulled out a packet of the most wonderfully fragrant Vhibhuti which he handed to me. He then told me that he had recently visited Baba in India and that he was with him when Baba had stood in front of 9 large empty jars. Upon a wave of his hand, each of the jars became full of this vhibhuti. I was stunned and, aside from profusely expressing my gratitude, felt tears of joy welling up within me as I felt certain that Baba was answering my prayer!

Coincidence? You may say so; personally, I don’t believe in “accidents”; and I further believe “that there isn’t a blade of grass that blows, except by the Will of God”! All I can say is that in my heart I know that God is with me, he knows about what I’m going through, and this was my own clear sign that he’s letting me know that I’ll be all right!!!

Praise God! Praise God! Praise God!

Can I hear an “AMEN”?!!!

A Year of Completion...

Perhaps the Seas are Always in Turmoil,

Constantly Morphing, Ever A-Dance,

Their Encaptured Creations,

Energetic Explosions ,

Embodying Patterns of Change itself;

Maybe the Sky, itself, is Falling,

Maybe the Days are Ending, in turn,

Maybe Time itself is Receeding,

Blistering forward,

The Human Race Stumbles,

Pausing, Reflective,

Beginning Anew...

For whatever reasons there may be, for me personally, this is both an extremely "momentous" time in my life and, a time in which no less than 4 events of monumental importance, are all coming to "completion" and each of them during the "same" (relatively speaking) period of time!

1) Obviously, my entire "Adventures in Cancer" was/is momentous enough as to give me a total "Life-Time-Out"! (more about this one later, and, I truly believe that this, alone and in itself, would be quite enough for anyone to deal with)...

2) "Trials " (& Tribulations): 7 years ago, this past September, my beloved wife of the previous 25 years, passed away as a result of--and I don't care how any court or jury rules--the height of Negligence on no less than 3 different entities parts:

1. A Surgeon's wrongful acts which led to a "dehiscense of an anastamosis" (the coming

apart of the spot where my her colon was reattached...

2. Rural Georgia's EMT's, who, while assuming control and placing an oxygen mask on
my wife and then, immediately after laying her flat on her back and me pointing out

to them that she vomited (and was then in the act of obviously "drowning" in it), they then

proceeded to carry her out to the back of the ambulance--an act which probably took at least

one to three precious minutes to complete--all the while failing to tilt the stretcher so as to

clear her airway...

3. North Fulton Regional Hospital's (to my mind), almost "criminal act "of placing my wife and

myself in what turned out to be a "life and death" decision-making-position of deciding

whether or not to leave the hospital, or wait for 4 more hours until the doctor would be able to

come and see her--and this, by the way, in response to approximately 5 minutes earlier, after

my wife suddenly turned to me and asked me to call the doctor and tell him that her pain

became so intense as to have her say "Vic, my pain now is worse than at any time, including

before the surgery"--and all this after being in that hell hole for 2 solid weeks with their

"Patient Could Care Less" policy, and serious breeches in communication between the doctors

and the nurses, etc., etc.,--I mean, who the hell wouldn't want to pick up and run so that true

"Healing" might have an opportunity to occur??? Oh yeah, and please remember, immediate-

ly after the nurse in charge was alerted to this sudden change in Karen's condition, she

administered a pain pill to Karen that wasn't due for another 4 hours--is it any wonder that

an hour later my wife felt somewhat improved and given all the hell that she'd been through

under their auspices, then decided she'd rather be discharged than to wait another 3 hours

for the doctor to show up?!

In any event, the trial for her wrongful death, against the surgeon (as for whatever reasons there may be was the only legal cause of action my attourneys decided they could pursue), was now scheduled to take place beginning Monday, October 15, 2007!!! By the way, it is now Sunday night, October 21, 2007 as I write this, and the trial is now, at long, long last, behind me and while the verdict did not go in my favor, at least I can take extreme solace for 2 things: 1) All along, I set out to simply, as a matter of HONOR and integrity, defend my wife in trying to let her have her "day in court" that her "story might be told", in an effort to hold those at fault accountable! This all took slightly more than 7 years to actually bring about, all in a torturous journey characterized by seemingly neverending peaks and valleys, and all in the face of a nearly non-stop series of delaying tactics repeatedly presented by the defense. It's seems like a miracle that I ever got as far as I did! And, unfortunately, as it all finally manifested, due to "legalities and technicalities" and, in some cases, actual outright falsifications of medical records (which could not be proven due to convenient documentation, or "lack thereof") I feel like I really was unable to fully tell my story of what I will always know in my heart, actually occurred! A travesty of justice? Absolutely! However, getting back to my original point, I now feel completely at peace I rest secure in the knowledge that I did all that was humanely possible for me, or anyone in my position, to do, and that

2) I now, 7 years plus after the event, and at long last have, finally have CLOSURE and am able to move on with my life!

3) Oh Yes! (Of course there is a number 3 as well)--I know that Karen, looking down from a far better place, is satisfied with my efforts and knows that I went all the extra miles in pursuing this as a matter of Husbandly Duty and Honor!!!

As I said, it is now Sunday night, and I feel as if a weight of about a Billion Pounds has now been lifted from my shoulders!!!

AMEN!

3) As to the third "monumentally important" event in my life that I previously referred to, with my sincerest of apologys to you, dear readers of my Blog, at this particular moment, I simply choose to refrain from discussing. (I would beg you to forgive me and to take heart that at some point following my surgery and the aftermath of my healing from it, I promise to fully address this "mysteriously elusive" number three!)

4) This one, is actually of a pleasant and extremely positive nature, although no less truly "monumentally important"! It is with great pleasure that I refer to the fact that on August 17, 2007, I asked my lovely and beloved lady friend--Ms. Diane Sisto--to become my Fiance and to accept my hand in holy and sacred Marriage at a date soon to be decided! As I said, this one is very positive and wonderful, although, no less of "monumental importance" to my life!

To keep you up to speed healthwise, in brief:

As of tonight, Suday, October 21, 2007, I feel physically light years of improvement on just about every level. Today was the first day I ate without having to first drink the numbing mouthwash, and, I was not in any pain nor much discomfort (I do now have to eat considerably smaller mouthfuls, and considerably slower than I was "normally" accustomed to, but I guess this is good, and actually, more healthy overall!)

Energetically, I feel "Normal"... (weird, but in some respects this is all like a dream happening to someone else; in other respects, its definitely "me" or a "New Me" actually, that this is all happening to)

My Chinese Doctor, Dr. Li, (the one who administers my accupuncture treatments along with the herbs which I brew into a Tea and then drink once a day) told me that I'd soon be feeling my better! In fact, at my last appointment with him (slightly more than a week ago) he again remarked about how strong my "PreNatal Chi" is (I guess this loosely translates into something akin to one's "general constitution"--actually, this to me is akin to one's "Life Force")... In the Indian, or Hindu culture they refer to this life force by the term "Prana". Regardless of the label, I will share with you the following: You know how some people are "hotblooded" or "warm" by nature--just like others are naturally "chilly" or "cold-natured"?-- well I'm most definitely of the former variety. In fact, I've often referred to myself as a "heat-seeking missle". For example, sometimes, when I'm in an embrace and am lying with my body next to and touching against someone else, the other person often has told me that they were "getting warm" and actually needed to remove the blankets for a moment so that their equilibrium could readjust--I just radiate that much "heat". Around the time I got sick, and certainly once I started the Chemo and the Radiation, I then felt alternately "hot"--i.e., I would sweat profusely and feel very clammy and warm--and then, in an instant, I would suffer from chills and feel cold.

(Not very pleasant I assure you). As of this past weekend, I'm ecstatic to report that I am now radiating heat once again! In fact, Diane remarked about this and said that she definitely noticed this change in my "Chi". To me, this is one of the clearest indications that, inside, my essential Life Force is returning and I'm not only feeling like "my old self" but I am now feeling "Better"! Dr. Li calls it "The Second Spring"! That's right, everybody--I'm now entering the "Second Spring" of my Life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Praise God! Thank You, Lord! In fact, Thank you all soooooooooooooooooooooooooo Much for your constant Prayers, good thoughts, etc. I'm here to "testify", if you will, that I not only "felt" them, during the time--and still do-- like an "active current" running through me--that's right, almost "palpably", but I absolutely and totally believe in the power that they convey. I feel like I am, and will be, "Living Proof" of this always!

Oh well, I'll be updating this a lot more frequently from now on. I appreciate whoever is reading this and your loving intentions and healing thoughts and prayers!

KMLAAY (Keep My Love All Around You)

Victor

P.S. In my next blog, I'll share with you my "Miracle" which just happened, last night! No kidding!--Stay Tuned....

Milestone: Progress Report

Well, on Aug 6th, slightly less than 2 months ago, I was diagnosed with EC (Esophageal Cancer) and, needless to say, a great deal has transpired since then, and continues to do so, moment by moment.

Bottom Line: Yesterday, Monday, October 1st, was my Last treatment of Chemotherapy!!! (6 weeks worth altogether; that, along with 5 weeks worth of daily Radiation Therapy) and there you have it, boyz 'n girlz, one EC Treatment Program of Rad/Chemo:

DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Kaputsky! Fini! Toast! Over! No More! No Mo! No Mas! No Mas! ... No More Mas!!!

Can you believe it? I really don't know what to say? It all feels like some UN-real "Dream"I've been witnessing... there are some definite traces of a surreal, almost transparent nature going on here. It's like I'm watching myself acting out a role in some kind of movie; a movie where the script is "hidden", but where, if I get quiet and still enough, my "part" writes itself and pours forth as shiney and plain as day! In fact, it couldn't get much clearer! It all seems to be just quietly flowing out of this great bottomless "cup" that I can tap into anytime I choose. All I have to do, is to shut my own head up long enough to listen to what's already there! Then, everything just flows along effortlessly. And as far as "Fear" is concerned--a great example is this past Sunday, the day before my last massive 6 -Hour Chemo barrage--my daughter Jessie asked me how I was feeling? (in regard to my upcoming treatment).

I got quiet and, again, the words just poured out of my mouth:

"Right now, all I know is that I'm just sitting right here!"...

I don't think she got it, because she immediately repeated her question:

"So, how're you doing/feeling about the chemo tomorrow?" to which I immediately responded:

"Right now, I just am where I am"! (or something along these lines, anyway).



What's my point? All that exists, truly, is this present moment! Everything else is either a memory (the past) or a dream (the future); the ONLY R-E-A-L-I-T-Y is this immediate "Here and Now, Present / Ever-Present moment. In fact, if there were some way to measure in Quantum Physics terms, for example, and accurately describe or reflect "this present moment", in terms of "language" the description would be totally identical with a description of any other "Present Moment"... Identical in every single way, shape or form.

I'm telling you: that's ALL there is, is This Present Moment!
That's all there ever was;
that's all there ever more shall be.
It's all Right Here, Right Now.

40 years ago, Baba Ram Das, the former Dr. Richard Alpert, Sociology Professor from Harvard University and cohort of Dr. Timothy Leary of "Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out" 60's, Summer of Love and Flower Power fame, wrote a book called "Be Here Now"...
Around 35 years later I read "the exact same" simple message in another life changing book called "The Power Of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Actually, this central message is a recurrent theme and Central Teaching of every single
Great Spiritual Teacher/Prophet/Master/Messiah/Avatar/Guru/God-Being Incarnate--from Krishna through Moses, Jesus, Buddha --All of them, every single one, speaks about THIS same ETERNAL PRESENT MOMENT!

Once we can tap into this space, all we have to do is remain still enough to simply rest there--Rest, and Observe...
Everything--All that we need...
To think...
To say...
To do...
All will come pouring forth,
Of its own accord,
Out from the funnel of this "Cornucopic Horn of Plenty". The neat part, is that the entire process is "effortless" and all we have to do is simply "watch" it, and go with the flow (as opposed to "rush with the flush")...

"Let Go and Let God"...
Just "BE"...
We are NOT the Doers--God is the only "Doer"...

There must be 10 Billion ways of phrasing the exact same principal...
Let's all simply pause, and bow down with the deepest Humility and Respect, before the only Truth there is-- The ONE-- "God"... or, as I am comfortable putting it: "Our own "SELF"!!!

Hope this resonates with someone else out there, too, but if not, that's cool. I believe I'm finally beginning to "get it"!...

What I Know...

The correct answer is "Nothing"...

Thousands of years ago, Plato was proclaimed by the Delphic Oracle to be the wisest man in Ancient Greece. This pronouncement came as Plato responded to the same question asked of everyone visiting the Oracle:

"What do you know?"

Plato's response:

"All I know, is that I know nothing!"...

Today, as I sit here in Victorville, immersing myself in the view appearing within my field of vision; my mind stills and, in place of the incessant, white-noise of neverending Mind-Chatter, I find my own Consciousness seamlessly dissolving and then connecting with an all pervading silence. This substratum of stillness underlies everything, until there finally emerges a point at which there is no separation/distinction between what is seen/heard, and what is seeing/hearing. From within this Sacred Space of Holy Stillness and Pre-Intention, my mind dissolves into a vast and omni-dimensional zero point field whose essence is "All that Was, Is, and Ever More Shall Be"...

This Grand Convergence leads to a Portal into Unity Consciousness upon whose Gatepost the following is inscribed:

Greetings Oh One

Who at last is seeking...

Before you lies a world bristling with Infinite Potential;

A straight and narrow pathway bridging the Unmanifest and Manifest, the Nameless and Named; the Tao and the 10,000 things.

The only requirement for entry is Total Surrender...

Breathe In...

Let Go...

Allow...

And simply Rest in Being...

Your Presence here today,

Has long been preceeded,

On your part,

By the Burning Flame of Desire.

This Flame of Desire:

To Have...

To Do...

To Be...

Lay dormant and smoldering,

Within the very core of your Being,

Throughout the endless parade of time,

Throughout innumerable past-lives, births and deaths,

Your Soul has finally chosen to embark upon its ultimate path...

Welcome to a New World;

A world whose landscape,

Though formerly strewn with the decaying wreckage of past desire,

Now lies open before you;

A New Space...

Open, Pristine & Pure,

Unfettered & free;

A New Space...

Whose sole Price of Admission,

Manifests simply in the Wake of Conscious Choice;

The Choice:

To No Longer Desire...

Welcome and GodSpeed...