Well, I must confess I'm a bit "at sea" here as I really don't have anything specific to write about. My life is progressing apace and for this I am truly grateful. Yesterday, I actually walked around my block (I live on a "circle") twice--not in a row, but twice nevertheless, AND... the best measure of progress is that prior to yesterday, I couldn't even make it to the mailbox (about a hundred yards, the last 20-30 of which is slightly uphill) without having to stop and rest and catch my breath. Well yesterday, I actually walked past the mailbox and made it an additionl 20-30 uphill yards to the 'stop' sign where I then obeyed the sign and stopped and rested and caught my breath. Once my breathing is semi-back to "normal" I then walked the entire remaining way to my starting point at my home. In perspective, it's slightly less than a quarter of a mile and about half of it is uphill. Oh well... "One Step At A Time"... (Groan!)...
Yesterday was Valentine's day. I got my fiance couple dozen roses (red and lavender); a necklace with a lttle Pearl inside a heart I picked up at Costco and a box of double dark chocolate fudge! You bet I earned points!!!... Diane was up in Danberry (Sp?) Connecticut making a presentation during the day and didn't get back to my place until about 9:40 PM. Next Valentine's day we'll plan to both be in town and celebrate it with dinner, etc. but as for this one, it was very Sweet nonetheless. I believe in my last posting I mentioned that as far as I'm concerned, each second is "Grace"... Pure Grace and that I now attempt (when I remember) to live in a "Proactive State of Gratitude"! Thus, as far as my perceptions of this past (present/yesterday) St. Valentine's Day goes, it was all Love Love Love and extremely pleasant and enjoyable!...
Oh, a "big" one... yesterday, I found myself near my former/presen't place of work around Technology Park in Atlanta. While I told myself that I'd wait until I was feeling stronger to go and visit, I nevertheless drove there and went in. I remained on a "Love - Level" and met with my Managers, Director of Sales, and as many of the insided sales force as I could see. When I left, it was with a mixture of feelings--part elation and part exhaustion! Man! Just standing there physically for over two hours and saying hi to people really cut into my "energy" department, big time. (I guess my surgeon knew what he was talking about after all when he said that it'd take a good 6 months for me to "feel like myself again", energywise!) Anyway, I really was struck with a profound sense of "Love" is the only way I can describe it, by seeing everyone and "fielding" all their good wishes, etc. There really is no way for me to describe just how much everyone's prayers --continued prayers--meant and continues to mean to me! I so deeply appreciate the effort and thought, not to mention "time", on everyone's behalf. I truly am very, very Blessed! One interesting observation: "everyone likes to smack you!!!" Really! it's funny, and perhaps it a "guy thing", but this past weekend I went to Costco's and the guy--Jerry--who checks you out once you're finished shopping, spotted me, and, out of sheer joy, came running over to me. After we hugged, he proceeded to 'almost punch"me in the side, right where my scar is. I saw stars and, felt a great deal of momentary pain! Actually, as I reflect on it, it's really just a form of "love-tap" or a "pat" on the back--only in this case it seriously was delivered like a hammer in heat! And, right on the spot where the surgery was. (When I look in the mirror, the incision is on my right side and goes in an arc, beginning at a spot about 3 -4 inches below my armpit and it then continues its sinuous journer curving upward till it stops about and inch below my right scapula (shoulder-blade) I'd say it's about 6-7 inches in length. Anyway, however long or short it might be or no matter what the shape is, all I've come to find out--the "hard way"-- is that "X marks the spot because it's exactly at the center of where everyone very naturually wants to hug and pat me!!! I'm reminded of this because yesterday when I went to work, thank God I was "present" enough to remember to forewarn everybody to please be "gentle" in greeting me! :-)
I was there visiting my Manager, in his office, for no longer than 2 minutes when issues presented themselves requiring him to decide on the best way (and what's right and fair) to handle yet one more "call-in gone awry"... Somehow it felt as if I'd never left the place. (God but I love the "smell of Napalm in the morning"). All in all, it was really wonderful for me to see everybody. Like I said, my consciousness was firmly locked into a "Love Plain"...
Oh well, that be about it right now. At present, I'm sitting outside in Victorville (i.e., my backyard, appropriately named by Jason Hughes) and am thoroughly enjoying the afternoon. I especially enjoy the wide variety of birds that come by to visit as they partake of the birdfood I've put out in my feeder. Man! You should see all the different varieties! I went to Barnes & Nobles the other day and picked up a field copy of "Georgia Birds". Incredible pictures, which is catalogued according to "color"--i.e., all the "black" colored birds, the yellow ones, etc., etc. In the brief space and time that I've been sitting here, I've seen no less than a couple of bluebirds, (it's amazing how orange their breast is) a couple of doves, assorted and sundry finches, cardinals and my "new" favorite, the irridescent "Grackles". This bird's really got it going as far as I'm concerned! They resemble "crows" but their heads and beginnings of their breasts and wings are either blue-ish or purple or--Oh yeah , I even saw a red winged blackbird come by for some of my hotmeats. I got sick and tired of the squirrels (Nature's "Pigs") hogging up the bird feeder and eating all the feed, so I went out and bought this "hotmeat" feed. Evidently, the birds love it but the squirrel find it too "hot" on their digestive system. Cool, huh? Anyway, all I can say is that the number and variety of birds have drastically increased since I got this new birdfood, and I believe the reason is that now they can all have "Spicey food" at Victorville.
That's all I've got to comment on at the moment. Oh yeah, in an effort to make this experience, perhaps a bit more "interactive", while few of you have actually posted comments, perhaps I could suggest that if you're reluctant to share your own thoughts and views (in the form of comments) that you might want to simply write and give me some suggestions as to what subjects you might like me to address in my own future postings. I'd really enjoy that and promise to at least be extremely "honest" in my responses! That, coupled with my often warped sense of humor might make it fairly interesting from this point going forward.
Take Care and KMLAAY (Keep My Love All Around You)
Victor
P.S. My hair has now grown in, and while it's still the same salt n pepper color, it's now definitely "curley" in the back!!! This is new and all I can say is that I'm glad I can only "feel" it and now see it!
Friday, February 15, 2008
Monday, February 4, 2008
Nearing "Normalcy"...
It has been said by the sage that we often appreciate what it is that we "have" only after we discover that, for whatever reasons that be, we no longer have it/them! Another way of phrasing this is that we take whatever it is we have so much "for granted" that the only way we "notice" them, is usually only after we've lost what it is we've been taking for granted!
Once, several years ago, after having my back "go out" and experiencing difficulty in the simple act of tying my shoelaces, was I able to note and then articulate what a blessing it was to be able to simply lean over and tie my shoes! It's so intrinsically ingrained, that we do (shame on us) take these so called "givens" entirely for granted, almost as if we're "entitled" to these powers and abilities.
Well, once you've fallen through the mirror, as have I, and come out on the other side, believe me, I now appreciate with a renewed sense of gratitude, actually each and every second of my life and certainly all that comes along with it in a host of powers and abilities--i.e., what it is I can and cannot "do"...
How about the simple act of Breathing, for example: I now, almost consciously, appreciate each unlabored breath that comes and goes of its own accord...
Today, Monday, February4, I stand before my wall calendar in the kitchen, the one I use to reflect all my various and sundry Doctor's appointments, hopital and lab procedures, scans, and medical followups, etc. For the past several --i.e., 5 months or so--my calendars have been nearly filled with multiple appointments, often 2 to 3 per day in some cases. Now, something quite unusual looms ahead of me. I note, with a growing smile on my "soul", that I have no Dr's appointments, until one week from this coming Wednesday! That's about 10 days of "freedom" or not "having' to be somewhere for something medically related. Wow! What a miracle! I smile as the thought begins to crystalize within, "Hey! I'm approaching "Normalcy"!" My! But Oh My, My!!!
Another example: Yesterday was Superbowl Sunday and, in an effort to be somewhat prepared for a small amount of company coming by to watch the game with me, I had my daugher drive me to Costco's on the Saturday prior to the game. Guess what! I actually sampled everything in sight!!! That's right! Pizza! Wings! Ham! Whatever it was they were dishing out, I was inputting left and right! Another demonstrative example of approaching "Normalcy"... Bigtime! I mean, not bad for a guy who, until this past Monday, January 14 had been on a clear liquid diet only! I LOVE It!!!
And it's not so much what it is that I "notice" so much as what it is that I realize I "have".... Literally, each and every blessed second of my life is yet one more measure of Grace... a tiny and precious grain of sand in the hourglass of God's Pure Love and Gifts! All this has created within me, a pronounced attitudinal change to one of almost "active" gratitude! Instead of realizing I'm grateful for thus and such, after seeing or experiencing an example, I now proactively like to reflect on everything I have and all that I am. This is a wonderful way to begin the day or to complete it! Either way it's all the same coin, whichever side you happen to be on.
So then, Thank You My Lord and God, Provider of all abundance, Love and Blessings...Thank You for all Your exquisite Protection and Guidance. Thank You for Your gifts, including the "unanswered" ones; Thank You for my growing Wisdom, thankYou for my dawning Appreciation and Gratitude. And today, espcially, I pause, reflect, and then offer You my praise for simply showing me signs of my approaching Normalcy!!!...
Thank You! Thank You! Thank You Soooooooooooooo Much For Everything!
I am reminded of the following quote from a little book called "Gentle Rain" I used to read to my children:
"Every Good Gift, and Every Pefect Gift is from Above and Cometh Down from the Father of Lights! Behold! There shall be Showers of Blessings!"
Once, several years ago, after having my back "go out" and experiencing difficulty in the simple act of tying my shoelaces, was I able to note and then articulate what a blessing it was to be able to simply lean over and tie my shoes! It's so intrinsically ingrained, that we do (shame on us) take these so called "givens" entirely for granted, almost as if we're "entitled" to these powers and abilities.
Well, once you've fallen through the mirror, as have I, and come out on the other side, believe me, I now appreciate with a renewed sense of gratitude, actually each and every second of my life and certainly all that comes along with it in a host of powers and abilities--i.e., what it is I can and cannot "do"...
How about the simple act of Breathing, for example: I now, almost consciously, appreciate each unlabored breath that comes and goes of its own accord...
Today, Monday, February4, I stand before my wall calendar in the kitchen, the one I use to reflect all my various and sundry Doctor's appointments, hopital and lab procedures, scans, and medical followups, etc. For the past several --i.e., 5 months or so--my calendars have been nearly filled with multiple appointments, often 2 to 3 per day in some cases. Now, something quite unusual looms ahead of me. I note, with a growing smile on my "soul", that I have no Dr's appointments, until one week from this coming Wednesday! That's about 10 days of "freedom" or not "having' to be somewhere for something medically related. Wow! What a miracle! I smile as the thought begins to crystalize within, "Hey! I'm approaching "Normalcy"!" My! But Oh My, My!!!
Another example: Yesterday was Superbowl Sunday and, in an effort to be somewhat prepared for a small amount of company coming by to watch the game with me, I had my daugher drive me to Costco's on the Saturday prior to the game. Guess what! I actually sampled everything in sight!!! That's right! Pizza! Wings! Ham! Whatever it was they were dishing out, I was inputting left and right! Another demonstrative example of approaching "Normalcy"... Bigtime! I mean, not bad for a guy who, until this past Monday, January 14 had been on a clear liquid diet only! I LOVE It!!!
And it's not so much what it is that I "notice" so much as what it is that I realize I "have".... Literally, each and every blessed second of my life is yet one more measure of Grace... a tiny and precious grain of sand in the hourglass of God's Pure Love and Gifts! All this has created within me, a pronounced attitudinal change to one of almost "active" gratitude! Instead of realizing I'm grateful for thus and such, after seeing or experiencing an example, I now proactively like to reflect on everything I have and all that I am. This is a wonderful way to begin the day or to complete it! Either way it's all the same coin, whichever side you happen to be on.
So then, Thank You My Lord and God, Provider of all abundance, Love and Blessings...Thank You for all Your exquisite Protection and Guidance. Thank You for Your gifts, including the "unanswered" ones; Thank You for my growing Wisdom, thankYou for my dawning Appreciation and Gratitude. And today, espcially, I pause, reflect, and then offer You my praise for simply showing me signs of my approaching Normalcy!!!...
Thank You! Thank You! Thank You Soooooooooooooo Much For Everything!
I am reminded of the following quote from a little book called "Gentle Rain" I used to read to my children:
"Every Good Gift, and Every Pefect Gift is from Above and Cometh Down from the Father of Lights! Behold! There shall be Showers of Blessings!"
Monday, January 21, 2008
"Catch Up"...("There Ain't No Accidents In Creation")!!!
Well my oh my oh MY! What a wild and crazy ride this whole trip is! Seems like yesterday when I last entered my New Years Greeting, and, on the other side of the coin, seems like a lifetime! In fact, several lifetimes, to be sure!
Let's see, where to begin? OK! A brief reference to "Trouble in Paradise" (i.e. friction breaks out rampantly between Jessie --my Daughter/"Main Caretaker" and Myself). I really don't want to delve too deeply here, but let's suffice it to say that because of several "uniquenessies" (Sp?) of Jessie's personality and my needs, she melted down culminating in the day about 2 weeks ago when she "dropped me off at the N. Fulton E.R." after I noticed that my feeding tube had "fallen out of my body and was on the ground beneath my feet", and proceeded to leave me there unattended!!! Like I said, I'm really not going to delve into this at this point--perhaps down the road when enough time/distance has elapsed... Anyway, my Fiance, God Bless Diane, immediately came to my rescue and was by my side during the entire 3-4 hour ensuing ordeal!
Then, Rick Abell, one of my truest, dearest friends/ (Really and actually an Angel sent to me at this precise time and place due to what then transpired--that's right, a Real Angel From God! There are No Accidents in this Creation, only the appearance of synergystic coincidental circumstance. By the way, it's almost as rediculous to deny that this whole thing runs like the most perfect Swiss Clock (Army Knives are good, too!) with True Intelligence providing EVERYTHING from guidance and direction to the actual "Doings" that we think we are providing. (To deny this is almost, to my feeble mind, is as rediculous as saying that if there were an explosion inside a moveabe type factory, that the Unexpurgated Volumes, Plays, Poems, Works, etc. of Shakespeare would appear, intact, blasting through the walls, at the other end!!!)
Anyway, back to Rick Abell: He arrived here a week ago, Tuesday, January 16th. On Wednesday, all hell broke loose... I went to the Doctor for a routine visit to check my glucose levels and he told me I had a 101.6 fever! Could be serious, off to my Chemo Doctor.... infused me with Rosefin, an antibiotic and sent me to the N.F.E.R. for an infusion of Vancomycin. (this needs be administered very slowly as slightly too fast and Bango, you've got --no joke here, and any lurking anti-Columbusites out there, do NOT take heart--"Red Man Syndrome"--sort of what it sounds like... you turn beet red and become hot, etc. Hence, the slow- drip/drip/drip --sort of like humming the "Syncopated Clock" Tune to yourself in halftime-- or No, what's that crazy Jeopardy theme "DOO DOO DOO--DOO DOO DOO-- DOO Do Doo Doo Do Do Doo--Oh well, you get the picture, I'm sure! Anyway this takes 90 minutes for the infusion via my Pik Line (the appendage inserted into my right inner elbow area from which I was fed via the hideous TPN (Total Parental Neutrician).... Bottom line, they find out that the Pik line is infected! So, literally every day since, I've gone for these 90 minute to 2 hour infusions of Vancomycin at the North Fulton Regional Hosp Out Patient Clinic. except for Sat and Sun, when I had the pleasure of performing the same at the Northside Hospital Infusion Center as the out patient Clinic at NFRH is closed on the weekends . They they removed the "bad boy" (the infected pik line last Friday and reinserted a new pik line inside my left inner elbow for the same purpose--i.e., receiving these infusions of antibiotics. However, I must've forgotten to mention that all during this I'm taking 5 mg.s / day of Cumudin (a notorious blood thinner due to the Phlebotomy I had when I awoke from surgery on the 29th of November at St. Joes' hospital. They had me on Heparin for this for most of my hospital stay, however, switched me over to cumudin--which I'm told really needs to be most dilligently monitored for the initial period of usage --(AND WHICH WASN'T). and, long story longer, because my blood I & R (a meaure of my blood's thinness and ability to clot, etc. was up to a 7 where as a 3 is normal) when the installed the new pik line-- that's right you guessed it Sparky, I wouldn't/couldn't stop bleeding! After Friday's ensuing infusion of Vancomycin, which now takes 2 hours by the way due to the fact that they couldn't really get it all the way into my "central lines" due to my power port, (remember "Harry Porter" which was installed way back on Aug 17 so I could receive my Chemo infusions? Anyway, this was somehow blocking the placement of this new pik line and hence the additional half hour of fun and games! On Fri night, it's back to the ER due to the non stop of bleeding and a Doctor gives me a "purse string stitch" to keep the tissue together and stop the bleeding. The bleeding stops, however, the "oozing" doesn't... (Hey! I couldn't make all this up if I tried)... anyhoo, they wrap it up so much with pressure bandages, etc. that it appears to be no longer bleeding and i go home. That was the "Lifetime" called "Last Friday"... On Saturday, I go to Northside for the infusion, only when they strip my bandage, there's this frigging pool of blood welled up, etc. Anyway, I get my infusion, have it wrapped up extra tight, and go home .... Sunday , Bloody Sunday, comes and, once again when I arrive at Northside, this time they insist I go to the ER at NFRH again to check my PTT (Clotting factors, etc.) Basically I wait there for 4 hours and watch the entire New England vs. Sad Diego Football championship gave in my ER cubicle and eventually receive one tiny pill of Vitamin K. (helps clotting) By the way, I'm supposed to have my Port removed this coming Thursday, Jan 24th, so I was supposed to stop the cumudin 4 days prior, well ,pardon me, but I stopped it as of Friday night!
All during this and other "normal" episodes, Rick Abell (the most perfectly surnamed person in the Universe) is physically opening doors, belting me into my carseat, helping me with my clothes, food, travel, he's there by my side 24-7! WoW! What a guy... Like I said, There aint no accidents, and he's my angel sent from God for me at this precise time and place performing one non-stop act of Selfless Service after another, etc., etc., etc., (He originally is scheduled to return home on Tues, Jan 22, but when he observes just how hectic my life is and what the hell is breaking loose all around me, he calls Delta and pushes his flight back to return to Colorado on Friday, Jan 25, just so he can make sure I'm okay on Thurs, when I'm to go to the hospital to have my port taken out!
Thank You Brother Rick! And May God Certainly Bless and Keep You, My Dearest Friend!
Let's see, where to begin? OK! A brief reference to "Trouble in Paradise" (i.e. friction breaks out rampantly between Jessie --my Daughter/"Main Caretaker" and Myself). I really don't want to delve too deeply here, but let's suffice it to say that because of several "uniquenessies" (Sp?) of Jessie's personality and my needs, she melted down culminating in the day about 2 weeks ago when she "dropped me off at the N. Fulton E.R." after I noticed that my feeding tube had "fallen out of my body and was on the ground beneath my feet", and proceeded to leave me there unattended!!! Like I said, I'm really not going to delve into this at this point--perhaps down the road when enough time/distance has elapsed... Anyway, my Fiance, God Bless Diane, immediately came to my rescue and was by my side during the entire 3-4 hour ensuing ordeal!
Then, Rick Abell, one of my truest, dearest friends/ (Really and actually an Angel sent to me at this precise time and place due to what then transpired--that's right, a Real Angel From God! There are No Accidents in this Creation, only the appearance of synergystic coincidental circumstance. By the way, it's almost as rediculous to deny that this whole thing runs like the most perfect Swiss Clock (Army Knives are good, too!) with True Intelligence providing EVERYTHING from guidance and direction to the actual "Doings" that we think we are providing. (To deny this is almost, to my feeble mind, is as rediculous as saying that if there were an explosion inside a moveabe type factory, that the Unexpurgated Volumes, Plays, Poems, Works, etc. of Shakespeare would appear, intact, blasting through the walls, at the other end!!!)
Anyway, back to Rick Abell: He arrived here a week ago, Tuesday, January 16th. On Wednesday, all hell broke loose... I went to the Doctor for a routine visit to check my glucose levels and he told me I had a 101.6 fever! Could be serious, off to my Chemo Doctor.... infused me with Rosefin, an antibiotic and sent me to the N.F.E.R. for an infusion of Vancomycin. (this needs be administered very slowly as slightly too fast and Bango, you've got --no joke here, and any lurking anti-Columbusites out there, do NOT take heart--"Red Man Syndrome"--sort of what it sounds like... you turn beet red and become hot, etc. Hence, the slow- drip/drip/drip --sort of like humming the "Syncopated Clock" Tune to yourself in halftime-- or No, what's that crazy Jeopardy theme "DOO DOO DOO--DOO DOO DOO-- DOO Do Doo Doo Do Do Doo--Oh well, you get the picture, I'm sure! Anyway this takes 90 minutes for the infusion via my Pik Line (the appendage inserted into my right inner elbow area from which I was fed via the hideous TPN (Total Parental Neutrician).... Bottom line, they find out that the Pik line is infected! So, literally every day since, I've gone for these 90 minute to 2 hour infusions of Vancomycin at the North Fulton Regional Hosp Out Patient Clinic. except for Sat and Sun, when I had the pleasure of performing the same at the Northside Hospital Infusion Center as the out patient Clinic at NFRH is closed on the weekends . They they removed the "bad boy" (the infected pik line last Friday and reinserted a new pik line inside my left inner elbow for the same purpose--i.e., receiving these infusions of antibiotics. However, I must've forgotten to mention that all during this I'm taking 5 mg.s / day of Cumudin (a notorious blood thinner due to the Phlebotomy I had when I awoke from surgery on the 29th of November at St. Joes' hospital. They had me on Heparin for this for most of my hospital stay, however, switched me over to cumudin--which I'm told really needs to be most dilligently monitored for the initial period of usage --(AND WHICH WASN'T). and, long story longer, because my blood I & R (a meaure of my blood's thinness and ability to clot, etc. was up to a 7 where as a 3 is normal) when the installed the new pik line-- that's right you guessed it Sparky, I wouldn't/couldn't stop bleeding! After Friday's ensuing infusion of Vancomycin, which now takes 2 hours by the way due to the fact that they couldn't really get it all the way into my "central lines" due to my power port, (remember "Harry Porter" which was installed way back on Aug 17 so I could receive my Chemo infusions? Anyway, this was somehow blocking the placement of this new pik line and hence the additional half hour of fun and games! On Fri night, it's back to the ER due to the non stop of bleeding and a Doctor gives me a "purse string stitch" to keep the tissue together and stop the bleeding. The bleeding stops, however, the "oozing" doesn't... (Hey! I couldn't make all this up if I tried)... anyhoo, they wrap it up so much with pressure bandages, etc. that it appears to be no longer bleeding and i go home. That was the "Lifetime" called "Last Friday"... On Saturday, I go to Northside for the infusion, only when they strip my bandage, there's this frigging pool of blood welled up, etc. Anyway, I get my infusion, have it wrapped up extra tight, and go home .... Sunday , Bloody Sunday, comes and, once again when I arrive at Northside, this time they insist I go to the ER at NFRH again to check my PTT (Clotting factors, etc.) Basically I wait there for 4 hours and watch the entire New England vs. Sad Diego Football championship gave in my ER cubicle and eventually receive one tiny pill of Vitamin K. (helps clotting) By the way, I'm supposed to have my Port removed this coming Thursday, Jan 24th, so I was supposed to stop the cumudin 4 days prior, well ,pardon me, but I stopped it as of Friday night!
All during this and other "normal" episodes, Rick Abell (the most perfectly surnamed person in the Universe) is physically opening doors, belting me into my carseat, helping me with my clothes, food, travel, he's there by my side 24-7! WoW! What a guy... Like I said, There aint no accidents, and he's my angel sent from God for me at this precise time and place performing one non-stop act of Selfless Service after another, etc., etc., etc., (He originally is scheduled to return home on Tues, Jan 22, but when he observes just how hectic my life is and what the hell is breaking loose all around me, he calls Delta and pushes his flight back to return to Colorado on Friday, Jan 25, just so he can make sure I'm okay on Thurs, when I'm to go to the hospital to have my port taken out!
Thank You Brother Rick! And May God Certainly Bless and Keep You, My Dearest Friend!
Saturday, January 5, 2008
The Happiest of New Years To Each & All of Us!
Happy New Year!
I just don’t know where to begin, so we’ll just do if from here and see how it flows.
Spoke to my Doctor, the Surgeon, Dr. Moore today and, after reviewing my x rays said everything looked good and how’d I like to go home tomorrow?!!! I couldn’t really believe my ears, but medication notwithstanding, I believe this actually might occur tomorrow sometime morning / afternoon!
Don’t know if you’ve been able to keep up with what’s turned into my “Odyssey” here, but to recap: came in to St. Joe’s in good spirits and a great frame of mind on 11-29! I expected about a 5-6 hour Surgery where they’d cut out some of my pylorus (part of the stomach) then staple it to what was left of my esophagus, and place it near my upper left chest wall. Thought I’d be in ICU around 5 days and then in the hospital for another 5 days or so and then (get thee behind me Satan) let me get home and get on with my healing and life! (By the way, sincerely, the surgeon told me that he did not see one shred of evidence of any remaining cancerous substance in my body)… YES!!!!!!!!!!
So much for all the best laid plans of Mice and Men; or as Johnny Lennon was fond of saying to his son Sean: “Before you cross the street, better take my hand; Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans”!
About 1 week after being in the hospital (I was at this point transferred out of the ICU and was, where I presently am, in the pulmonary floor) some very scary stuff began happening. Without exaggeration it felt as if my breath capacity was barely enough for 2 thimblesful of Oxygen to fill it. Talk about pure panic. Sorry, but out of just about every single biological function I can possibly scour my memory banks to elicit here, I’d honestly say that Breathing has to be right up there at the very tippy-top of the whole damn list! I’ve been on this planet for about 62 years now and I can tell you that this was absolutely the scariest feeling I’ve ever experienced! I mean just try to imagine for a second just flat out not being able to catch your breath and having this repeatedly go on for hours on end, with no apparent let up in sight!
Anyway, they then did a left lung tap and removed around 1 liter of fluid from my left lung! YES! I DID feel relief when it was over! Alas, this relieved feeling lasted for about a day, because in another 2-3 days, they tapped my lung again and this time removed around 1.4 liters of fluid! Then, on Saturday, December 8 or maybe it was the 15th (not sure here) they tapped it again and left a catheter in my back. Whatever Saturday it was, all I know is that within the next 3-4 days they then removed an additional total of 4 (FOUR) liters of fluid from my left lung! Holy crap here Batman, but last time I checked I thought I was listed as “Mammal” and not “Amphibian” or “Ichthyosaurus” or however the hell it is that you want to say “Fish” in Latin! I mean, aside from not trying what I’m about to suggest that you do at home alone, any time soon, (or actually anytime at all) imagine chugging a couple of 2 liter bottles of diet coke or whatever it is that floats your boat ever so merrily downstream and this time instead of chugging it try Breathing through it instead!!! ‘Nuff said! Scary, very, very, scary indeed! In retrospect it was a hell of a lot worse than being told by one of the Techs here that: “Mr. Paul, this is all in your mind, it’s just your anxiety level kicking in!” (Here you go Ms. Tech, I’d rather like to take a stab at “I’m afraid I’ve got no frigging clue as to what I’m talking about” for $20, Alex!)
Anyway, things at this point really do seem to have swung completely around and the situation is just infinitely so much better than it was and I feel and see daily improvement within myself, I’m actually quite grateful for everything—and I do mean EVERYTHING! Yes, even the Tech as I’m sure she was doing the best she could and was simply trying to help calm me down. If there’s one thing my whole 1 month plus stay in this facility has taught me, its that the one—the only—the indispensable ingredient as an absolute prerequisite ingredient for working in the Health Care Profession is simply LOVE!!!!!
In fact, if I may be so bold, forget “Healthcare”, Love is the quintessential ingredient necessary for the successful flow of ANYTHING! It’s the grease and oil in the elixir of Life; it’s the roll in Rock ‘n’… it’s everything there is; everything there was and everything there will ever be! It’s the whole world wide web and ever spinning matrix of Creation itself! It’s what makes the trains run on time; it’s the rebirth in Spring, as well as the icy exhalation of a frosty winter’s sleep! It’s the secret within the wondrous gaze as a child first beholds Heaven’s pure majesty on a star filled night! It’s all this and … imagine for a second… this is but the quick view, thumbnail plans and specs version of the chrysalis within the butterfly within the caterpillar! And again, it’s but the barest of beginnings…
I’m glad for my time in the hospital. I’m grateful for the change in view it’s afforded me to be cognizant of. I’m grateful for a truly wonderful New Year pregnant with the pulsation of infinite possibility and newness of Life. And I’m truly humbled and appreciative, beyond words, for everyone’s prayers, support, and oh yes, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!
Happy New Year!
KMLAAY
Victor
I just don’t know where to begin, so we’ll just do if from here and see how it flows.
Spoke to my Doctor, the Surgeon, Dr. Moore today and, after reviewing my x rays said everything looked good and how’d I like to go home tomorrow?!!! I couldn’t really believe my ears, but medication notwithstanding, I believe this actually might occur tomorrow sometime morning / afternoon!
Don’t know if you’ve been able to keep up with what’s turned into my “Odyssey” here, but to recap: came in to St. Joe’s in good spirits and a great frame of mind on 11-29! I expected about a 5-6 hour Surgery where they’d cut out some of my pylorus (part of the stomach) then staple it to what was left of my esophagus, and place it near my upper left chest wall. Thought I’d be in ICU around 5 days and then in the hospital for another 5 days or so and then (get thee behind me Satan) let me get home and get on with my healing and life! (By the way, sincerely, the surgeon told me that he did not see one shred of evidence of any remaining cancerous substance in my body)… YES!!!!!!!!!!
So much for all the best laid plans of Mice and Men; or as Johnny Lennon was fond of saying to his son Sean: “Before you cross the street, better take my hand; Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans”!
About 1 week after being in the hospital (I was at this point transferred out of the ICU and was, where I presently am, in the pulmonary floor) some very scary stuff began happening. Without exaggeration it felt as if my breath capacity was barely enough for 2 thimblesful of Oxygen to fill it. Talk about pure panic. Sorry, but out of just about every single biological function I can possibly scour my memory banks to elicit here, I’d honestly say that Breathing has to be right up there at the very tippy-top of the whole damn list! I’ve been on this planet for about 62 years now and I can tell you that this was absolutely the scariest feeling I’ve ever experienced! I mean just try to imagine for a second just flat out not being able to catch your breath and having this repeatedly go on for hours on end, with no apparent let up in sight!
Anyway, they then did a left lung tap and removed around 1 liter of fluid from my left lung! YES! I DID feel relief when it was over! Alas, this relieved feeling lasted for about a day, because in another 2-3 days, they tapped my lung again and this time removed around 1.4 liters of fluid! Then, on Saturday, December 8 or maybe it was the 15th (not sure here) they tapped it again and left a catheter in my back. Whatever Saturday it was, all I know is that within the next 3-4 days they then removed an additional total of 4 (FOUR) liters of fluid from my left lung! Holy crap here Batman, but last time I checked I thought I was listed as “Mammal” and not “Amphibian” or “Ichthyosaurus” or however the hell it is that you want to say “Fish” in Latin! I mean, aside from not trying what I’m about to suggest that you do at home alone, any time soon, (or actually anytime at all) imagine chugging a couple of 2 liter bottles of diet coke or whatever it is that floats your boat ever so merrily downstream and this time instead of chugging it try Breathing through it instead!!! ‘Nuff said! Scary, very, very, scary indeed! In retrospect it was a hell of a lot worse than being told by one of the Techs here that: “Mr. Paul, this is all in your mind, it’s just your anxiety level kicking in!” (Here you go Ms. Tech, I’d rather like to take a stab at “I’m afraid I’ve got no frigging clue as to what I’m talking about” for $20, Alex!)
Anyway, things at this point really do seem to have swung completely around and the situation is just infinitely so much better than it was and I feel and see daily improvement within myself, I’m actually quite grateful for everything—and I do mean EVERYTHING! Yes, even the Tech as I’m sure she was doing the best she could and was simply trying to help calm me down. If there’s one thing my whole 1 month plus stay in this facility has taught me, its that the one—the only—the indispensable ingredient as an absolute prerequisite ingredient for working in the Health Care Profession is simply LOVE!!!!!
In fact, if I may be so bold, forget “Healthcare”, Love is the quintessential ingredient necessary for the successful flow of ANYTHING! It’s the grease and oil in the elixir of Life; it’s the roll in Rock ‘n’… it’s everything there is; everything there was and everything there will ever be! It’s the whole world wide web and ever spinning matrix of Creation itself! It’s what makes the trains run on time; it’s the rebirth in Spring, as well as the icy exhalation of a frosty winter’s sleep! It’s the secret within the wondrous gaze as a child first beholds Heaven’s pure majesty on a star filled night! It’s all this and … imagine for a second… this is but the quick view, thumbnail plans and specs version of the chrysalis within the butterfly within the caterpillar! And again, it’s but the barest of beginnings…
I’m glad for my time in the hospital. I’m grateful for the change in view it’s afforded me to be cognizant of. I’m grateful for a truly wonderful New Year pregnant with the pulsation of infinite possibility and newness of Life. And I’m truly humbled and appreciative, beyond words, for everyone’s prayers, support, and oh yes, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!
Happy New Year!
KMLAAY
Victor
Friday, November 30, 2007
Status Update
First, I want to thank everyone for all the prayers and support! Thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I know I can thank you on behalf of Jessie and Diane. Most importantly, Thank You from my dad!
Jessie, Diane and I went to the waiting room where we took up residence. We waited and waited. We got few updates. Mostly it was just that he was "still in surgery" and it was "going well." After what seemed like ages, they told us they were beginning the "thorachotomy"... (I'm still not positive which part that was). And finally, we were told it was over! I think it was after 3 PM. Please keep in mind that all day I noticed surgeons coming out and speaking with family members. Suddenly, a volunteer came to us and told us that she was going to escort us to a room for the surgeon to be able to speak with us privately. When we got in the room I asked Diane what she thought about this and she confessed that she was nervous. I just kept thinking about all those surgeons I had seen talking to family members out in the main waiting room. Then I said a silent prayer, and remembered that God is in control. Let go, let God...
Dr. Moore (sp?) came in and said it went well. It was even one of the best he's ever seen! He could tell how excited we were to hear that. However, he cautioned us that my dad "isn't out of the woods yet." There can be any number of complications because this was such a major surgery and he wouldn't be cleared as "good to go" till at least 5 days post-op in the ICU. It would be another 45 minutes or so before we could see my dad. Dr. Moore also said that we should be prepared to see him with a ventilator for a couple of days and that he might look like he had been hit by a truck. ;-)
We rushed up to the ICU as soon as we were allowed. We walked around a little lost and saw a pale bald cancer patient, fresh out of surgery, on a ventilator and looking "like he was hit by a truck." We told the nurse showing us around that we thought it was him... Oooops... Just another pale bald man. Then from down the hall, I turned to see my dad being wheeled towards us on his bed. Not only was there no ventilator attached to him, but he was smiling a huge smile and holding BOTH thumbs up! The nurse who was wheeling him stopped and said he did great and that he thought he might have had the wrong patient because my dad was doing so well! He was talking and alert! I had honestly feared that he wouldn't have even known that I was here the entire time of my visit. Everyone was so impressed! All the nurses commented on how wonderfully he was doing. After they got him settled we finally got to have a nice little visit. What an amazing sigh of relief!
Let me just tell you about the tubes and wires. He is WIRED! There are so many tubes and wires coming out every which way! There is a nasal intubation (NG Tube) that is sewn into his nose. He doesn't like it. hehe - who would? But he's adorable. So cute trying to look at the tube at the end of his nose, crossing his eyes. He had an epidural as well. I told him now that we have something in common and that I LOVED my epidural! (Personally, with Jacob, I professed my undying love to my anesthesiologist.) He's got a wired button to call the nurse, a wired button for pain meds, and he has his own "harry potter wand." Its a tube for suction like at the dentist. He was waving it around saying "expelaramous!" I love that he has a sense of humor!
Last night he had no pain, per se, but he had a lot of discomfort. Unfortunately today, as the epidural wore off, he began to experience pain in his chest where there is an incision. But, when we left the hospital tonight, with the help of new pain meds, he was back to "discomfort" so I felt good about that.
I am sure that there is much that I am forgetting. But he is doing so well. OH - I forgot - he got up today and was placed in a chair! Sitting up! What a big boy :-). He is an overachiever and I know he wants his recovery to be as quick as possible, but he's going to have to take it easy. :-D
We took some photos so you can see all the tubes! Fun fun! Enjoy!
Please continue to send your powerful thoughts and prayers his way. Thank you!
Ahna
(Please bare with me as I write this. I am exhausted and have had very little sleep!)
Thursday was a long day of waiting. My dad checked into the hospital around 5:30 AM. They gave him a "don't care" shot and he was very cute. All smiles :-) Suddenly, he appeared small and fragile to me. This was despite the fact that in general, he's been looking the best he had since he finished his chemo and radiation. But it was time for them to wheel him away and I remember thinking that I wasn't ready even though he was. It was shortly after 7 when they took him away.Jessie, Diane and I went to the waiting room where we took up residence. We waited and waited. We got few updates. Mostly it was just that he was "still in surgery" and it was "going well." After what seemed like ages, they told us they were beginning the "thorachotomy"... (I'm still not positive which part that was). And finally, we were told it was over! I think it was after 3 PM. Please keep in mind that all day I noticed surgeons coming out and speaking with family members. Suddenly, a volunteer came to us and told us that she was going to escort us to a room for the surgeon to be able to speak with us privately. When we got in the room I asked Diane what she thought about this and she confessed that she was nervous. I just kept thinking about all those surgeons I had seen talking to family members out in the main waiting room. Then I said a silent prayer, and remembered that God is in control. Let go, let God...
Dr. Moore (sp?) came in and said it went well. It was even one of the best he's ever seen! He could tell how excited we were to hear that. However, he cautioned us that my dad "isn't out of the woods yet." There can be any number of complications because this was such a major surgery and he wouldn't be cleared as "good to go" till at least 5 days post-op in the ICU. It would be another 45 minutes or so before we could see my dad. Dr. Moore also said that we should be prepared to see him with a ventilator for a couple of days and that he might look like he had been hit by a truck. ;-)
We rushed up to the ICU as soon as we were allowed. We walked around a little lost and saw a pale bald cancer patient, fresh out of surgery, on a ventilator and looking "like he was hit by a truck." We told the nurse showing us around that we thought it was him... Oooops... Just another pale bald man. Then from down the hall, I turned to see my dad being wheeled towards us on his bed. Not only was there no ventilator attached to him, but he was smiling a huge smile and holding BOTH thumbs up! The nurse who was wheeling him stopped and said he did great and that he thought he might have had the wrong patient because my dad was doing so well! He was talking and alert! I had honestly feared that he wouldn't have even known that I was here the entire time of my visit. Everyone was so impressed! All the nurses commented on how wonderfully he was doing. After they got him settled we finally got to have a nice little visit. What an amazing sigh of relief!
Let me just tell you about the tubes and wires. He is WIRED! There are so many tubes and wires coming out every which way! There is a nasal intubation (NG Tube) that is sewn into his nose. He doesn't like it. hehe - who would? But he's adorable. So cute trying to look at the tube at the end of his nose, crossing his eyes. He had an epidural as well. I told him now that we have something in common and that I LOVED my epidural! (Personally, with Jacob, I professed my undying love to my anesthesiologist.) He's got a wired button to call the nurse, a wired button for pain meds, and he has his own "harry potter wand." Its a tube for suction like at the dentist. He was waving it around saying "expelaramous!" I love that he has a sense of humor!
Last night he had no pain, per se, but he had a lot of discomfort. Unfortunately today, as the epidural wore off, he began to experience pain in his chest where there is an incision. But, when we left the hospital tonight, with the help of new pain meds, he was back to "discomfort" so I felt good about that.
I am sure that there is much that I am forgetting. But he is doing so well. OH - I forgot - he got up today and was placed in a chair! Sitting up! What a big boy :-). He is an overachiever and I know he wants his recovery to be as quick as possible, but he's going to have to take it easy. :-D
We took some photos so you can see all the tubes! Fun fun! Enjoy!
Please continue to send your powerful thoughts and prayers his way. Thank you!
Ahna
Friday, November 16, 2007
The Equal Validity Of Dreams...
“Remember Mind; REMEMBER!”… Back to Basics
(This quote above is from The Ten Principal Upanishads)
As CEO of “Get Well, Inc.”, I now find myself faced with a choice. Since this is my blog, I can choose to write in whatsoever a manner I find pleasing. What I’ve decided, is to put down the mantle of “propriety” and stop saying what I think I should! Instead, I’m now going to venture a little farther out on the limb and simply speak from my heart with “Integrity”! No self-judgment—neither condemnation, nor praise—likewise no self-criticism nor approval seeking. As Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen, author of a fantastic book called “Kitchen Table Wisdom” says, for our lives to move forward and allow our life force to grow it is best to operate from our “Wholeness”… perceived warts and all, otherwise, the limiting space that arises between our spontaneous thought processes and our ensuing editorial judgments as to how to best present our thoughts, can actually be quite stifling (as far as letting our truth blossom)…
I recently sent the following “Progress Report out to about 75 people via email:
(This quote above is from The Ten Principal Upanishads)
As CEO of “Get Well, Inc.”, I now find myself faced with a choice. Since this is my blog, I can choose to write in whatsoever a manner I find pleasing. What I’ve decided, is to put down the mantle of “propriety” and stop saying what I think I should! Instead, I’m now going to venture a little farther out on the limb and simply speak from my heart with “Integrity”! No self-judgment—neither condemnation, nor praise—likewise no self-criticism nor approval seeking. As Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen, author of a fantastic book called “Kitchen Table Wisdom” says, for our lives to move forward and allow our life force to grow it is best to operate from our “Wholeness”… perceived warts and all, otherwise, the limiting space that arises between our spontaneous thought processes and our ensuing editorial judgments as to how to best present our thoughts, can actually be quite stifling (as far as letting our truth blossom)…
I recently sent the following “Progress Report out to about 75 people via email:
Got some "Good News" on Monday. Met with my Oncologist (the Chemo doc who's been coordinating everything). Basically, he reviewed all the tests of last week (the Endoscope on the 24th and the CT/PET Scan of the 25th). All the biopsies came back absolutely NEGATIVE, i..e., no signs of any cancer. That said, he then, of course, "hedged his bets" by saying that the lower walls of the esophogus remained somewhat narrowed and thickened, which could (and which I believe is the case) be due to the aftereffects of the radiation therapy, however it could also possibly be some residual tumer or cancer cells embedded in the esophogeal walls. Unfortunately, or whatever, the only way to know is to "cut it out" (i.e. Surgery) and examine it via a pathology report. This is the course that it seems like everybody, with the exception of Dr. Li, seem to want to follow as it does offer the greatest chances of full recovery and "cure".
So, while I cant absolutely say I am "Cancer Free", this is the best news that I could have gotten and all indications are as positive as they can be and I choose to attest to and affirm that "I Am Cancer FREE"!!!
I met with the Surgeon yesterday, Dr John E. Moore at St. Joseph's Hospital. As my goal, all along, ever since first discovering all this back on August 6, has been, and continues to be "Get all this behind me and then to move forward with my life, As Soon As Possible" I decided, after meeting with him and discussing all of it, and then being quiet for 10 minutes and asking Baba for an answer to the question "Should I go ahead and have this surgery and should I do it with this surgeon?" (the answer I heard was an immediate, "Yes... Yes... Yes"), I told him I decided to do this and to go ahead and schedule it ASAP. I'll find out pretty soon exactly when this will be; the best he was able to guestimate was "sometime in November/December". They have to coordinate 2 surgeons' schedules, etc., (a General Surgeon whom Dr Moore works with all the time who will be making an incision and removing part of my abdomen, hopefully as little as possible, and then Dr Moore would turn me onto my left side, make an incision in my right side, and remove what sounds like quite a sizable portion of my esophogus, he'd then pull what's remaining of my stomach up into my right chest, lay it against my spine and reattach via staple, the remaining ends of my stomach to my esophogus. The whole operation takes about 6 hours! It all sounded quite frightening and, in many regards, it was one of the scariest discussions I've ever participated in! While each individual is unique, and this includes their inner life force and healing abilities, he expects me to be in the ICU, possibly on a ventilator at the beginning, for up to a week and then in the Hospital for probably a total of 10 days to 2 weeks, during which time I'll be fed via feeding tubes, etc. He expects that it'll take up to 6 months to "recover" fully from the operation, i. e. to not only heal, but to regain my energy, etc.
I asked what are the "odds" if I elected Not to do the surgery, and he told me that the people who choose this course are looking at a 30% survivor rate, overall, without recurrence, etc. In fact, when I asked him this particular question, he gestured toward the door and told me that the gentleman in the room right across the hall, did exactly this. In 2006, he underwent Radiation and Chemo for esophogeal cancer, and from that time till now, (and no less than 5 subsequent endoscopies alll showed no evidence of cancer) until recently, when he cancer "came back"! Now, the ONLY option he has is surgery and the chances are "iffy"... Also, 5% of the people operated on develop a condition while in the hospital, I believe, where their lungs "weep" (sounds to me like they take on fluid and basically cant breathe) and they then die. I asked about mortality rates from this surgery (and here again, I'll take these odds!!!) I'm not sure if it's 8% or 12% overall who die--and this is from "all kinds of things", i.e., having heart attacks long after the surgery, etc.
Basically, it seems that the "best course and best practices according to the Western Medical community", seem to definitely point to surgery, if for no other reason than the only way they can be certain that there are no remaining cancer cells, is to do the surgery and then examine microscopically via pathology the removed tissue... (By the way, my brain CT Scan and my PET Scan all are excellent and do NOT show any additional traces of cancer in my body!)
Anyway, this is the latest I have to report! To sum it up... looks like one more, major, life-altering, hurdle and then, God Willing, "Let's keep on rockin' in the free world"!!!
Thanks for all your love, energy, support and prayers on my behalf!
KMLAAY
Victor
So, while I cant absolutely say I am "Cancer Free", this is the best news that I could have gotten and all indications are as positive as they can be and I choose to attest to and affirm that "I Am Cancer FREE"!!!
I met with the Surgeon yesterday, Dr John E. Moore at St. Joseph's Hospital. As my goal, all along, ever since first discovering all this back on August 6, has been, and continues to be "Get all this behind me and then to move forward with my life, As Soon As Possible" I decided, after meeting with him and discussing all of it, and then being quiet for 10 minutes and asking Baba for an answer to the question "Should I go ahead and have this surgery and should I do it with this surgeon?" (the answer I heard was an immediate, "Yes... Yes... Yes"), I told him I decided to do this and to go ahead and schedule it ASAP. I'll find out pretty soon exactly when this will be; the best he was able to guestimate was "sometime in November/December". They have to coordinate 2 surgeons' schedules, etc., (a General Surgeon whom Dr Moore works with all the time who will be making an incision and removing part of my abdomen, hopefully as little as possible, and then Dr Moore would turn me onto my left side, make an incision in my right side, and remove what sounds like quite a sizable portion of my esophogus, he'd then pull what's remaining of my stomach up into my right chest, lay it against my spine and reattach via staple, the remaining ends of my stomach to my esophogus. The whole operation takes about 6 hours! It all sounded quite frightening and, in many regards, it was one of the scariest discussions I've ever participated in! While each individual is unique, and this includes their inner life force and healing abilities, he expects me to be in the ICU, possibly on a ventilator at the beginning, for up to a week and then in the Hospital for probably a total of 10 days to 2 weeks, during which time I'll be fed via feeding tubes, etc. He expects that it'll take up to 6 months to "recover" fully from the operation, i. e. to not only heal, but to regain my energy, etc.
I asked what are the "odds" if I elected Not to do the surgery, and he told me that the people who choose this course are looking at a 30% survivor rate, overall, without recurrence, etc. In fact, when I asked him this particular question, he gestured toward the door and told me that the gentleman in the room right across the hall, did exactly this. In 2006, he underwent Radiation and Chemo for esophogeal cancer, and from that time till now, (and no less than 5 subsequent endoscopies alll showed no evidence of cancer) until recently, when he cancer "came back"! Now, the ONLY option he has is surgery and the chances are "iffy"... Also, 5% of the people operated on develop a condition while in the hospital, I believe, where their lungs "weep" (sounds to me like they take on fluid and basically cant breathe) and they then die. I asked about mortality rates from this surgery (and here again, I'll take these odds!!!) I'm not sure if it's 8% or 12% overall who die--and this is from "all kinds of things", i.e., having heart attacks long after the surgery, etc.
Basically, it seems that the "best course and best practices according to the Western Medical community", seem to definitely point to surgery, if for no other reason than the only way they can be certain that there are no remaining cancer cells, is to do the surgery and then examine microscopically via pathology the removed tissue... (By the way, my brain CT Scan and my PET Scan all are excellent and do NOT show any additional traces of cancer in my body!)
Anyway, this is the latest I have to report! To sum it up... looks like one more, major, life-altering, hurdle and then, God Willing, "Let's keep on rockin' in the free world"!!!
Thanks for all your love, energy, support and prayers on my behalf!
KMLAAY
Victor
Ok! That’s what I sent out… In perspective, I’d say that about 95% of the responses were extremely positive, wishing me well and promising to keep me in their prayers, and offering various forms of support! That’s the good news. The next day, I received no less than 4 communications of a “questioning” nature re my decision to proceed along the course I had set before me.
The first was from a dear friend who simply strongly suggested I get a second opinion before proceeding with something which was potentially so “life altering”… (Ostensibly, this certainly makes good sense, and if the shoe were on the other foot, I’d possibly/probably make a similar type suggestion myself!)…
The second one was from a “Healer” and woman whom I greatly respect and who, also, suggested a seek out a second opinion only this one with a “naturopath” (i.e., a person who works along an alternate path advocating good health via proper nutrition, like a raw food diet, etc.). This one, personally, did not resonate comfortably.
Then came the “humdinger”… The person who wrote it I truly love and respect. He sent me no less than 11 websites and/or places to go on the internet, strongly letting me know that I should hold off my pending course of action for at least 6 months and research it thoroughly and completely as this surgery was so highly invasive, complex, and potentially life altering/threatening, etc. He went on to give an example of how he had stopped a pending surgery on his wife’s foot the weekend prior to her surgery as he had discovered that other people who went through this were each in quite a bit of pain and discomfort, a couple of years after their operations, and whatever alternative course of action my friend chose to pursue, his wife is now fine and very comfortable in this regard! Implicit (and explicit) was his view that the particular surgeon in question was out to make a few bucks at his wife’s “expense”! By the way, this individual (my friend) was the former head of training for a huge Corporation which manufactures, among other medical products, defibrillators. He went on further to tell me that in his experience, having trained more than 3000 cardiac surgeons during his 25 year tenure with his company, that about 98% of this population seemed to have their—in my own words, here—hearts in their pocketbooks! Now remember, this is a friend of mine whom I feel very close to, and whose base of medical knowledge is certainly well beyond mine.
And lastly, a wonderful and life long friend of my family’s, an RN who was probably my wife’s closest and dearest friend ever since my family first moved to Georgia in 1983, and who currently works with these kinds of “Radical-Surgery-Patients” every day, began her conversation with me by questioning whether I was sure that this (my own upcoming surgery) was the correct thing for me to do!!! (To set the record absolutely straight, she did say that whatever I decided to do, that she would be support me in my decision and be there for me in whatever capacity I might require.)…
Well, now, I don’t know about you, dear reader, but to say that this boy was definitely “thrown for a loop”, is an understatement of “Biblical Proportions”! Every one of these well intentioned people’s own doubts and fears, began playing with and fogging up the mirror of my own mind, until they all coalesced into a cacophonous crescendo of confusion and uncertainty! Forget my own practices and disciplines of asking for and then going with my inner guidance; forget that the seeds of this course of action (the surgery that I am going to have) was planted in a totally straightforward and unambiguous fashion from day one by my own chemo and radiation oncologists; forget that I myself was expecting this from the get-go; all I know is that—let’s call it what it is—fear took over with every bit of its nagging power and seemingly occupied the conscious forefront of my heart and mind!
OK Sportsfans, lets flash forward! It’s now about a week since I sat and wrote the above. I’ve just returned from the “second opinion” by a surgeon who himself was diagnosed with throat cancer some 4 years prior. He absolutely concurred with my intended course of action and was even a bit more pessimistic as to the odds of my not having surgery and then experiencing a recurrence (The first surgeon said the odds were in the 30% category—i.e., only 30% of those electing to forego surgery would not have a recurrence, whereas this second doctor said that he thought the odds were actually closer to about only 20% of those electing to take a “surgical pass” would not experience a recurrence. While I realize that “statistics can be one of the largest sources of lies known to man” I still find these ratios powerfully compelling!
I also have to realize that regardless of anybody else’s concerns and loving and good intentions for my wellbeing, that each person out there views the world through their own filters and perceptions and that their “dream” is no more “real” than is “mine”! (Actually, for me myself, my own “dream” is what I must learn to honor, believe in, and ultimately, live!)
I am reminded of a Toltec wisdom book called “The Four Agreements”. In it, the author, Don Miguel Ruiz perceives “reality” from a heightened state of awareness and then relates that each of us perceives the world from our own limited point of view; actually, he says that each of us, in an unlimited state of awareness are like “shining mirrors” simply reflecting the light (or Universal Consciousness) and that when we return to our “normal” state of awareness, that our mirrors become covered with a coating or substance which substantially alters the light that we can then reflect. He says that we each live in our own “dream”, and therefore, the “third” agreement is: “Never take anything that anyone else says, or does, personally” , (as their perception is simply that individual’s “own dream”—valid for themselves, no doubt, but not necessarily valid for anyone else! Thus, it seems to me that part of my present work is for me to simply remember the following:
The first was from a dear friend who simply strongly suggested I get a second opinion before proceeding with something which was potentially so “life altering”… (Ostensibly, this certainly makes good sense, and if the shoe were on the other foot, I’d possibly/probably make a similar type suggestion myself!)…
The second one was from a “Healer” and woman whom I greatly respect and who, also, suggested a seek out a second opinion only this one with a “naturopath” (i.e., a person who works along an alternate path advocating good health via proper nutrition, like a raw food diet, etc.). This one, personally, did not resonate comfortably.
Then came the “humdinger”… The person who wrote it I truly love and respect. He sent me no less than 11 websites and/or places to go on the internet, strongly letting me know that I should hold off my pending course of action for at least 6 months and research it thoroughly and completely as this surgery was so highly invasive, complex, and potentially life altering/threatening, etc. He went on to give an example of how he had stopped a pending surgery on his wife’s foot the weekend prior to her surgery as he had discovered that other people who went through this were each in quite a bit of pain and discomfort, a couple of years after their operations, and whatever alternative course of action my friend chose to pursue, his wife is now fine and very comfortable in this regard! Implicit (and explicit) was his view that the particular surgeon in question was out to make a few bucks at his wife’s “expense”! By the way, this individual (my friend) was the former head of training for a huge Corporation which manufactures, among other medical products, defibrillators. He went on further to tell me that in his experience, having trained more than 3000 cardiac surgeons during his 25 year tenure with his company, that about 98% of this population seemed to have their—in my own words, here—hearts in their pocketbooks! Now remember, this is a friend of mine whom I feel very close to, and whose base of medical knowledge is certainly well beyond mine.
And lastly, a wonderful and life long friend of my family’s, an RN who was probably my wife’s closest and dearest friend ever since my family first moved to Georgia in 1983, and who currently works with these kinds of “Radical-Surgery-Patients” every day, began her conversation with me by questioning whether I was sure that this (my own upcoming surgery) was the correct thing for me to do!!! (To set the record absolutely straight, she did say that whatever I decided to do, that she would be support me in my decision and be there for me in whatever capacity I might require.)…
Well, now, I don’t know about you, dear reader, but to say that this boy was definitely “thrown for a loop”, is an understatement of “Biblical Proportions”! Every one of these well intentioned people’s own doubts and fears, began playing with and fogging up the mirror of my own mind, until they all coalesced into a cacophonous crescendo of confusion and uncertainty! Forget my own practices and disciplines of asking for and then going with my inner guidance; forget that the seeds of this course of action (the surgery that I am going to have) was planted in a totally straightforward and unambiguous fashion from day one by my own chemo and radiation oncologists; forget that I myself was expecting this from the get-go; all I know is that—let’s call it what it is—fear took over with every bit of its nagging power and seemingly occupied the conscious forefront of my heart and mind!
OK Sportsfans, lets flash forward! It’s now about a week since I sat and wrote the above. I’ve just returned from the “second opinion” by a surgeon who himself was diagnosed with throat cancer some 4 years prior. He absolutely concurred with my intended course of action and was even a bit more pessimistic as to the odds of my not having surgery and then experiencing a recurrence (The first surgeon said the odds were in the 30% category—i.e., only 30% of those electing to forego surgery would not have a recurrence, whereas this second doctor said that he thought the odds were actually closer to about only 20% of those electing to take a “surgical pass” would not experience a recurrence. While I realize that “statistics can be one of the largest sources of lies known to man” I still find these ratios powerfully compelling!
I also have to realize that regardless of anybody else’s concerns and loving and good intentions for my wellbeing, that each person out there views the world through their own filters and perceptions and that their “dream” is no more “real” than is “mine”! (Actually, for me myself, my own “dream” is what I must learn to honor, believe in, and ultimately, live!)
I am reminded of a Toltec wisdom book called “The Four Agreements”. In it, the author, Don Miguel Ruiz perceives “reality” from a heightened state of awareness and then relates that each of us perceives the world from our own limited point of view; actually, he says that each of us, in an unlimited state of awareness are like “shining mirrors” simply reflecting the light (or Universal Consciousness) and that when we return to our “normal” state of awareness, that our mirrors become covered with a coating or substance which substantially alters the light that we can then reflect. He says that we each live in our own “dream”, and therefore, the “third” agreement is: “Never take anything that anyone else says, or does, personally” , (as their perception is simply that individual’s “own dream”—valid for themselves, no doubt, but not necessarily valid for anyone else! Thus, it seems to me that part of my present work is for me to simply remember the following:
I’ve got my own dreams from, and in which, to view the world!
Interesting, but I just received another email from the woman I referred to above—the healer who suggested that I seek out a naturopath for a 2nd opinion. Now you’ve got to understand, I really believe that this is a lady of great intelligence and wisdom, and whose words, and views, I truly admire and respect. However, Not for Me and Not in My Case!!!
Following is part of her email:
Following is part of her email:
I must tell you that I would prefer to see you take six months and make the lifestyle, emotional and thinking changes that will support a cancer-free body rather than have that surgery. If you don’t do those things, the cancer is likely to come back after your surgery. Tell the doctors you want to do “watchful waiting.” What would Sai Baba say?
My response:
(Name withheld), First of all, I think you know that I am deeply respectful of your wisdom and being, and truly honor the "testament" that you are to what you have achieved with your own healing.
That said, as we are all different, all that each of us can do is get in touch with his or her own self; get quiet, meditate, pray, etc., and then decide what is best for our own selves. As for me, after a period of weighing all kinds of factors, I've come to a decision which is different from what it is that you are saying you'd prefer that I do. I've spent a great deal of time ever since first becoming aware of this condition back in August, in working as best I know how, along with loving guidance and prayers, etc., from a great deal of people (yourself certainly included in these), to guard my thinking, to be centered and truly live in each present moment (where Presence lives and fear does not); while I haven't become a "raw food exclusive" eater, my diet has changed considerably towards the "healthy", and I've sought Spiritual guidance from a number of respected sources, and taken from each of these that which has resonated as comfortable and valid for me, and tried as best I know how to incorporate this into my "daily routine". I believe, over all, I am a better person as a result!
Yesterday, I sat for a 2nd opinion from a chemo oncologist at Piedmont Hospital, who had himself been diagnosed, 4 years ago, with throat cancer. While this is certainly different from what it is that I have, he was even more "pessimistic" about the "odds" of surviving long term without recurrence should I elect to not have the surgery. (My own surgeon told me around 30% of people who don't have surgery and have esophogeal cancer are ok--meaning that 70% have a recurrence; this new doctor said he'd suspect that the odds were really closer to only 20%!)
All along, one of my stated main goals in this journey, has been to do whatever necessary in order to "get this all behind me as quickly as possible, so that I could then get on with the rest of my life, also as quickly as possible!" While a 6 month hiatus doesn't sound "long" from a "remainder of my life" perspective, from the space-time frame of reference of "what I've been through and what I'm presently going through" it feels "too long" for me. (There are also practical matters such as economics--i.e., I'd need to return to work which would jeopardize the disability income that I'm currently receiving). As far as “what would Sai Baba say?”: While I certainly cannot claim to "speak for him", I believe that I did hear him very clearly when I became silent and asked him the following question:
"Swami! Should I have this surgery, and should I have it with this surgeon?".
(By the way, I've done this particular exercise—I’m not sure but I'd guestimate that it's been around slightly less than a total of 10 times throughout my life—and what I can say with "hindsight being 20-20”, and absolute certainty, is that each time I did this, the answer I received was 100% True and that furthermore, this practice has "Never let me down!") The answer that I heard to this specific question was an extremely clear, "Yes! Yes! Yes!”)
(Name withheld), while I deeply appreciate your concerns and your wishes, I believe that in the past (and I forget what the context was) you said something to the effect that whereas some course of action might not be the one that would work for you that the being who made that decision was to be honored. (Remember now, I'm probably taking liberties in paraphrasing you here, but my point, I believe, will resonate with you.) So, while you would apparently choose a very different course of action, I'd sincerely hope that you'd honor whatever course I may choose for myself that would be comfortable for me; and, if possible, that you would continue to send me all of your love and support for "the perceived reality of my own being and my own journey"...
Also, during the approximately 6 months that it'll take for me to heal and recover from the surgery, I don't see why I couldn't use this period of time to "make the lifestyle, emotional and thinking changes that will support a cancer-free body"?
Belive me, (Name withheld), while I do appreciate your concerns, very honestly, what I need in my life now, are those people who, because of their love for me, can/will love and support me in my own health decisions, even though they may differ from their own.
Thank you again for everything that you've already done for me and on my behalf, and I sincerely hope that you'll be there for me in the same capacity going forward!
I love you very much, and thanks again!
Victor
That said, as we are all different, all that each of us can do is get in touch with his or her own self; get quiet, meditate, pray, etc., and then decide what is best for our own selves. As for me, after a period of weighing all kinds of factors, I've come to a decision which is different from what it is that you are saying you'd prefer that I do. I've spent a great deal of time ever since first becoming aware of this condition back in August, in working as best I know how, along with loving guidance and prayers, etc., from a great deal of people (yourself certainly included in these), to guard my thinking, to be centered and truly live in each present moment (where Presence lives and fear does not); while I haven't become a "raw food exclusive" eater, my diet has changed considerably towards the "healthy", and I've sought Spiritual guidance from a number of respected sources, and taken from each of these that which has resonated as comfortable and valid for me, and tried as best I know how to incorporate this into my "daily routine". I believe, over all, I am a better person as a result!
Yesterday, I sat for a 2nd opinion from a chemo oncologist at Piedmont Hospital, who had himself been diagnosed, 4 years ago, with throat cancer. While this is certainly different from what it is that I have, he was even more "pessimistic" about the "odds" of surviving long term without recurrence should I elect to not have the surgery. (My own surgeon told me around 30% of people who don't have surgery and have esophogeal cancer are ok--meaning that 70% have a recurrence; this new doctor said he'd suspect that the odds were really closer to only 20%!)
All along, one of my stated main goals in this journey, has been to do whatever necessary in order to "get this all behind me as quickly as possible, so that I could then get on with the rest of my life, also as quickly as possible!" While a 6 month hiatus doesn't sound "long" from a "remainder of my life" perspective, from the space-time frame of reference of "what I've been through and what I'm presently going through" it feels "too long" for me. (There are also practical matters such as economics--i.e., I'd need to return to work which would jeopardize the disability income that I'm currently receiving). As far as “what would Sai Baba say?”: While I certainly cannot claim to "speak for him", I believe that I did hear him very clearly when I became silent and asked him the following question:
"Swami! Should I have this surgery, and should I have it with this surgeon?".
(By the way, I've done this particular exercise—I’m not sure but I'd guestimate that it's been around slightly less than a total of 10 times throughout my life—and what I can say with "hindsight being 20-20”, and absolute certainty, is that each time I did this, the answer I received was 100% True and that furthermore, this practice has "Never let me down!") The answer that I heard to this specific question was an extremely clear, "Yes! Yes! Yes!”)
(Name withheld), while I deeply appreciate your concerns and your wishes, I believe that in the past (and I forget what the context was) you said something to the effect that whereas some course of action might not be the one that would work for you that the being who made that decision was to be honored. (Remember now, I'm probably taking liberties in paraphrasing you here, but my point, I believe, will resonate with you.) So, while you would apparently choose a very different course of action, I'd sincerely hope that you'd honor whatever course I may choose for myself that would be comfortable for me; and, if possible, that you would continue to send me all of your love and support for "the perceived reality of my own being and my own journey"...
Also, during the approximately 6 months that it'll take for me to heal and recover from the surgery, I don't see why I couldn't use this period of time to "make the lifestyle, emotional and thinking changes that will support a cancer-free body"?
Belive me, (Name withheld), while I do appreciate your concerns, very honestly, what I need in my life now, are those people who, because of their love for me, can/will love and support me in my own health decisions, even though they may differ from their own.
Thank you again for everything that you've already done for me and on my behalf, and I sincerely hope that you'll be there for me in the same capacity going forward!
I love you very much, and thanks again!
Victor
Again, all I can do is to view the world as I will and then to refer to it from my own “integrity”! May the Loving Lord of All The Worlds bless and love me, you, and everyone!
OM
Loka Samastha, Sukino Bhavantu,
Loka Samastha, Sukino Bhavantu,
Loka Samastha, Sukino Bhavantu,
Om, Shanthi, Shanthi, Shanthi!
Translation:
“May All The Beings, In All The Worlds, Always Be Happy,
Peace… Peace… Peace…”
So then, as I said earlier, “Back to Basics”: My present work is to focus on the following:
1) I Am “That” I Am…
2) The only “Reality” is This Present Moment, “The Eternal NOW”…
3) My current full-time job, consists simply of being conscious and “Remembering
Number 2”!...
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
My Miracle--Can I hear an "Amen"?
My Miracle:
“Faith” is resting assured and certain, in things unseen…
While this one might not move any mountains, all I know is that the sun definitely rose over my own heart! Without going into too much detail, when it comes to matters of “Faith”, I personally believe the following:
While this one might not move any mountains, all I know is that the sun definitely rose over my own heart! Without going into too much detail, when it comes to matters of “Faith”, I personally believe the following:
There is a Loving, and Universal Creative Principal, whose “Nature” is comprised of three essential aspects:
1 ) All-Consciousness (Omnipresence)
2) All-Knowledge (Omniscience) and
3) Bliss: (this one equates to, and contains, what is often referred to as Omnipotence)… Actually, the word “Bliss” to me connotes an everlasting State of Spiritual or Transcendent Ecstasy, which transcends our normal perceptions of “emotional movement” along the transitory / momentary continuum of , “Joy & Sorrow”…
Furthermore, this “Principal” is All Embracing as well as All Inclusive. It is, at one and the same time, within manifest creation, as well as beyond it… It is, very simply, anything and everything that ever has been, is now, or will ever come into existence; it is both “The Manifest” and “Un-Manifest” and, if such a concept can even be sensibly expressed, what lies beyond these poles…
Different people refer to it by whichever particular names and or forms they may personally regard as “adorable”… Each and everyone of these views, to my mind, is correct! For now, I will simply refer to this object of adoration, or worship, as “God”. My understanding of “God” is that It is, quite simply, the totality of everything that exists—a Source of Energy manifesting as the Essence of every single life-form, animate or inanimate, which “comes into creation”. If you think of this all encompassing “Energy” as a “Sub-stratum” over, or around which beings embody, then you’ve come pretty close to sharing my understanding…
I once attended a School in New York City, which referred to this as “The Absolute” and, as I recall, they used to say that if you reject The Absolute “anywhere” you reject it “everywhere”… This continues to resonate as “True” to this day.
Without trying to push my views on anyone, I have personally enjoyed calling out to God by a particular Name and Form which is very dear to my own heart, and which has come about as a result of some very deeply intimate and compelling personal experiences which I feel extremely blessed to have been able to participate in, over the years…
So then, I do believe in, and “follow”, a particular “Channel” or “Vehicle”, to which I call out in times of personal need, and which I worship and adore, and, which allows me to feel, and have, a “personal connection/relationship” with “God”… The particular Name / Form that I’m referring to is an 82 year old Indian Gentleman by the name of Sai Baba…
The only other thing I need to share, which will shed light on the following, is that one of his “hallmarks” lies in his power to “manifest” anything—from “nowhere”, or “non-existence” if you will, into this dimension of plain physical reality or “material existence”. That’s right, and, I’ve personally witnessed a few of these “miraculous” acts of manifestation right before my own eyes—once from a distance of less than 2 feet away! (By the way, He refers to these acts as his “calling cards”, and then goes on to further elucidate : (to paraphrase) “I give them what they want so that I can get their attention; and then I give them what it is that I have come to give"...
Probably one of the most “commonly recurrent” objects he manifests is a fine “powdery” substance which emanates from, and then pours out of his palm; this is called “Vhibhuti” (pronounced: Vi (as in Victor) -boo-tee). This substance is both highly fragrant and has often been known to have highly potent healing powers for individuals, regarding infirmities and diseases both minor and life threatening. I equate it to “Holy Ash”; this can be either applied (i.e. rubbed onto the body physically), or ingested (i.e. swallowed directly or mixed into water and then drunk)…
In any event, 2 Saturday nights ago, I felt like attending a worship service which is held on a weekly basis here in Atlanta. The last meeting I attended was sometime back in July, prior to discovering I had cancer. I simply felt like having my “batteries re-charged”!
While driving there, the thought came to mind that I’d really like to get some vhibhuti from the center so that I could take it back home with me, and that I’d really like to get some type of “special” vhibhuti—i.e., a type made directly by Baba himself and not the other kind that is made in his Ashram, (Spiritual enclave) and then is blessed by him. Anyway, these were the thoughts that ran through my mind.
I attended the service and, after its conclusion, I remained sitting for a little while afterwards, lost in my own meditation and inner reflection. Upon opening my eyes, I noticed that the entire room (which had previously been filled with approximately 100 people) was now completely empty save 2 other individuals along with myself. I stood up and made to leave. Immediately before walking out the door, I saw that one of the remaining gentleman was an acquaintance of mine who was kind of highly placed on the “food chain” within the U.S. organizational structure. He, thus, would have been "the perfect” person for me to have made my request of. When he saw me, he extended his hand and asked how I was. I told him “wonderful” and that I believed that Baba was curing me. We then hugged, and for some unknown reason I chose not to say anything further. I then left the room, went downstairs, put my shoes on and returned upstairs.
As I was heading for the exit door, an older gentleman, whom I had met back in 98 when I first began attending the meetings at the center, noticed me and inquired as to how I was. I told him that I thought that Baba was curing me of cancer! Without a word, he reached into his pocket, and pulled out a packet of the most wonderfully fragrant Vhibhuti which he handed to me. He then told me that he had recently visited Baba in India and that he was with him when Baba had stood in front of 9 large empty jars. Upon a wave of his hand, each of the jars became full of this vhibhuti. I was stunned and, aside from profusely expressing my gratitude, felt tears of joy welling up within me as I felt certain that Baba was answering my prayer!
Coincidence? You may say so; personally, I don’t believe in “accidents”; and I further believe “that there isn’t a blade of grass that blows, except by the Will of God”! All I can say is that in my heart I know that God is with me, he knows about what I’m going through, and this was my own clear sign that he’s letting me know that I’ll be all right!!!
Praise God! Praise God! Praise God!
Can I hear an “AMEN”?!!!
Coincidence? You may say so; personally, I don’t believe in “accidents”; and I further believe “that there isn’t a blade of grass that blows, except by the Will of God”! All I can say is that in my heart I know that God is with me, he knows about what I’m going through, and this was my own clear sign that he’s letting me know that I’ll be all right!!!
Praise God! Praise God! Praise God!
Can I hear an “AMEN”?!!!
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