Just When I Thought I Was Getting Out, They Pull Me Back In!!!

With my apologies to Al Pacino for the above title of this entry notwithstanding, I suppose I could also have called this: "One Mo Tam!"

On July 24th, I'm to be operated on by both Dr. Daly (the stomach surgeon who operated on my stomach back in November) and Dr. Moore (the surgeon who originally did my esophagectomy at the same time) at Northside Hospital. These doctors will, once again, be "tag-teaming" up on me. Dr. Daly will be performing an incisional hernia repair on my abdomen--he'll be going in lapriscopically, and attaching some mesh into my stomach so as to keep everything together--and then, while I'm still under the anaesthesia, Dr. Moore will be cutting into the "seroma" below my right scapula area, and he'll then be closing the "space" that's opened up inside in the tissues causing the swelling (the seroma) to occur. (I've already had this drained twice, and each time, within around 24 hours, the swelling refilled with serous fluid.)

While Dr. Daly says that comparitively speaking, this is just a "bump in the road" (next to what I've been through), he also told me today, however, that I can expect to be in quite a bit of pain, and, for a good while, afterwards. I'm trying to remain positive about the whole thing, and just hope that this'll finally be "it", and that afterwards, aside from the 6 week healing process, that that'll finally be pretty much the "end of all this" stuff. Also, this coming Friday, I'll be receiving an infusion of iron as it appears that ever since my gastrectomy, that my body is not absorbing iron like it should. This'll take about 4 hours and I'll have this done in Dr. Steis's office (my chemo oncologist). I'm told that I might need this just this one time, or that I might need it annually, or semi-annually...

Aside from these few occurrences, generally speaking, I continue in my recovery and healing. In fact, I look forward to, although admittedly with some trepidation, returning to the work force around mid September. Aside from that ajustment, I'll also need to decide whether to move into Diane's townhome and live with her there until we get a place of our own, or whether she'll move into my townhome and live with me here. Then, we'll finally decide on a Wedding Date and "git er done!" Someone once mused that they believed that "life should get simpler once we get older"... RIGHT!!!

By the way, following are the lyrics to a new song I've composed. I call it, "The Wedding Prayer", subtitled, "We Are One"....

The Wedding Prayer

(We Are One)

May your Soul be filled with Gladness,
May your Heart be filled with Love,
May your body be a beacon,
Shining Light from up above;

May your world be filled with Music,
May you sing a joyous song,
May the Truth that you embody,
Carry everyone along...

May your mind be filled with wisdom,
Like the spark, from burning coal,
May your wave merge with the Ocean,
And your part become the Whole;

May you come to know The Oneness,
May you stand beneath what’s True,
May you see your Self in others,
And may they see themselves in you…

May your Love shine on before you,
Like a lamp that lights your way,
May all Grace and Peace restore you,
Each and every day;

May you reap a bounty harvest,
May your every song be sung,
May your life be filled with wonder,
May you shine on like the sun...


We are One,
We are One,
We are One,
We are One.


Now we stand before the Altar,
As you place your heart (hand) in mine,
In the Holy Sacred Presence,
May our Souls, in Love, entwine;

In this joyous place of wonder,
Far beyond all space and time,
I can hear the Angel voices singing,
Songs of Love Divine…


We are One,
We are One,
We are One,
We are One.


As it was in the beginning,
So it shall be, in the end,
A secret rare, I now will share,
If your ears to me you’ll lend;

Wise men long have posed and pondered,
Over what makes Love called “True”,
It’s because you love me for myself,
In the same way, I Love You…


We are One,
We are One,
We are One,
It is Done.

Amen!

Speaking of new songs, I actually went into a recording studio about a month or so ago, and with the assistance of the producer and various studio musicians, I recorded 4 original songs. I refer to them, collectively, as: "4": The Joy Of It! If you wish, you can actually listen to them by going to: www.myspace.com/victorjpaul . Hope you enjoy it!

In closing, if I might simpy ask for everyone to please keep me in your prayers about, and throughout, all of what's coming up for me, I'd deeply appreciate it!

As for me, I hope to continue:

Surrendering,

Staying Positive,

Remaining in the Present Moment!

Take Care & KMLAAY!

Vic

“Just a Bump in the Road”

“Just a Bump in the Road”

Wow! What a long time its been between entries…

Truth is, I’ve been a litte too “chicken” to write anything further...

Why? Well, quite frankly, my last entry (Towers of Uncertainty) freaked me out a little bit. Actually, it heralded a particularly uncomfortable period of time as I found myself blindsided and caught up in the sticky clutches of quite a smothering depression. It’s funny, but nearly everyone I’ve spoken to about this, including my former family therapist whose counsel I sought, told me that this is actually quite normal and almost to be expected. Oh yeah? Well then, how come it seems as if I was the only person caught off guard? That sucker sneaked up on me and hit me with its best Sunday Sucker Punch that’s left me still wobbling. Not only did I not expect it, but once it hit, it felt as if a stealth bomber had dropped, with pinpoint accuracy, a payload of Darkness, right smack in the middle of my head. Like a tsunami that no one saw coming, nevertheless once it struck, that’s all she wrote. Felt like there was no escape. Nowhere to run… no one to turn to... and absolutely no place to hide! Only blackness, doubt and fear… breaking over, and all around me. It must’ve lasted for a good—No! Definitely NOT good!—month and a half. At times, I find myself still playing with an occasional dark thought or two, but at least I’m now able to catch a hold of some drifting positive energy current and just hang on till and ride out the storm.

If you look at it from an “energetic” point of view, perhaps it makes sense. I mean, literally as much of my consciousness and energy as I could possibly muster was entirely focused on staying centered and remaining in the present moment. I recall observing that “Fear does not exist in the now”—that it’s only when we leave the present moment and get lost in thoughts about the future (i.e., “Gee! I wonder if such and such will, or wont, happen?”) that we then find ourselves getting lost in worry, doubt and fear. Anyway, once the roughest parts of my journey had passed—the chemo / radiation regime, and the major surgery (from which I still have not as yet fully recovered) it was as if someone had taken a tiny pin and, when no one was looking, very subtly punctured a microscopic hole in my balloon of consciousness—a hole so small as to remain unnoticed until one day upon awakening, all I could see around me was darkness. This is what it felt like. Again… no signs, no alarm bells, no warnings… just, the darkness. Oh yeah, and those terrible accompanying feelings of sinking into and then slogging through the muck of despair!

As it is, presently I am doing considerably better—i.e., I don’t feel like bursting into tears at any given moment—and I find myself frequently speaking to God and asking for the strength to simply accept my present circumstances and the fact that almost everything I look out upon and refer to as “the future” really is a cloud of uncertainty and unknown. But you know something? The Truth is, is that’s how it always is—always has been, and always will be... Unknown! I tell people that when I pray, I find that the “whats” (the specific things I may desire) are absolutely okay for me to yearn for and to ask of God. As to the “Whens” and “Hows”, however—well now, these are an entirely different set of categories and their nature is not my province at all. These rest solely, and exclusively, in the realm of the Divine. And, as you’re probably aware, at least as to “the Whens”, I find that God’s Time and my own are usually quite different and often polar opposite. If I get lost in my own view, I often find a tremendous sense of impatience and frustration brewing, whereas, if I simply surrender to Divine Order and place whatever my concerns may be in God’s lap—well, all I can say is that I’ve never known the solution to be anything other than “Perfect”. A lot of times, although it doesn’t appear to be exactly what I’ve asked for—i.e., it might not look like anything at all like I had envisioned—His solution is often so much better, and certainly so much more serviceable of my Highest Good than anything I could have possibly thought to provide for myself.

The whole key for me, (and yes, yet once again I feel like a broken record), seems to lie in asking for the wisdom and strength to be able to surrender all of what it is that I’m concerned about happening, or not happening, and to beg for the serenity to simply accept the reality of the present moment and to leave the future unfolding of events entirely in God’s hands with the implicit Trust that He will provide for me the perfect solution and at the perfect time. This applies to literally EVERY single facet of my life—my home, my family, my love and relationships, my work, my economic prospects, my health, etc., etc., etc. God is my one and only true source and supply—the one, and only, real “Doer”. I live within Him; He fills and surrounds me.

And while I “know” these things intellectually, my real work in life, seems to lie in my daily remembering this so that it can be transformed from the realm of “information” existing in my head, into real “Knowledge” which can then lodge itself in my heart and manifest itself through me on a “Being” level. Sometimes, all that’s needed is for me to simply remember to pray and ask for this consciously. If I do, I often find a wonderful calming sense of Peace seems to come in and settle over me. And while this “peace” may not contain what it is that I think I’m praying for, it will certainly “do”, for the meantime!

One additional component I find is Gratitude! That is, along with my surrendering of the what’s, the when’s and the how’s, I find that probably the singular best piece of wisdom I may have acquired in the past 8 years or so, is that during this “waiting” period, to practice developing an attitude of being truly Grateful. And most importantly, not simply for all the things that God has given me that I may perceive as “good” or “positive”, but for literally EVERYTHING He has given me! From “the good” to “the bad” and “the ugly”—for Everything! For those things that I find easy to understand and for those which I find impossible to grasp or make any sense out of whatsoever. It seems to me that this is what “Faith” is all about. At the end of each day, can I look at myself in the mirror and truly give “Thanks” to God for “Everything” that He has delivered unto me?

Want a good example? Try this one… How can I possibly give thanks for the death of my beloved wife??? How about for all the ensuing suffering I had to experience and endure? The truth is, I myself have no clue or shred of idea as to how to answer this. There is just no way that I can make any kind of linear, one + one = two, kind of “sense” out of this. Or, how about the ensuing five years or so of profound sorrow and active grieving? Perhaps a much more recent “example” will serve—How is it that I can possibly give thanks for having undergone all the rigors of Cancer and its aftermath of turning my life completely inside out? For these kinds of questions, I find that I truly have no kind of adequate or satisfactory response. Nothing, even after years of reflection and pondering, springs glibly to my lips. The best I can come up with is that this kind of Gratitude is, in fact, completely identical to, and interwoven with, the essence of “Faith”—the ability to rest assured and completely certain regarding things both totally unknown and beyond “provability”.

It is rather with a sense of inner resonance, and on an intuitional level, that I can, and do give thanks for these terrible occurrences which have befallen me. And believe me, while this aint “easy” by any stretch, I have found that it definitely does beat the alternative. Slowly, I become free from these ordeals and, although I can’t “prove” it, I feel like my Soul continues to grow along correct lines as a result. Enough!

Back to the present... In general, I continue to improve.

About 2 weeks ago, I noticed a slight “bulge” in my stomach, about one to two inches above my naval. As this occurred after I’d eaten, I felt it was just a bit of “weird science” ala me stretching the boundaries of meal amounts in the aftermath of my surgically restricted stomach capacity. Then, when I’d cough, I’d notice that this “bulge” would protrude a bit further until I am now aware of an area about the size of my palm which is affected. I contacted one of the two surgeons who operated on me back in November—the one who worked on my stomach—Dr. John Daly. I visited him this past Monday and was told that I’ve developed an “incisional hernia” which will require repair via additional surgery scheduled for July 14.

Dr. Daly explained that ideally, I should have been eating double the amount of protein in my diet as all of my nutritional intake went into my body’s healing and recovery from the really major surgery that I underwent. Why no one ever told me anything about this is beyond me, but since I can’t do anything about what’s done, I’ve just got to keep on trucking as best I can. Certainly for the period of time preceding this next operation, I’ve got to really ramp up my protein intake and also maintain this increased regimen for the period of time immediately following it as well. Guess I’ll go to Costco and get some of those protein shakes and make and drink a couple each day.

When he was finished examining me, Dr. Daly told me that next to what I’ve already gone through, this is really quite minor and is simply “a bump in the road”. I’ll probably have to be in the hospital for one night and then, he tells me, I’ll need about three to six weeks to completely recover.

Okay!
It is what it is!
Man plans, God laughs!
Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans!
And so it goes… And so it goes…
Oh blah dee,
Oh blah dah,
Life goes on, Hah!
La la la
How life goes on!




Right now I’ve got a choice. Do I sit around and feel sorry for myself and fret about this blip in my timetable? Or do I practice what I preach and ask God to give me the strength and wisdom, once again, to simply remain centered in the only reality I truly know—this present moment? One of these choices leads toward tumultuous waters; the other, I hope, will allow me to simply float along and be carried safely over a river of Love and Peace.

I intend to float!

The Towers of Uncertainty

Greetings and May All the Love in my Heart Connect with The Like in Yours!

As I gaze out from my vantage point, firmly ensconced as I am in the irrevocable "Towers of Uncertainty", I observe a chariot, rapidly approaching and being drawn across my landscape of serenity by the Toxic Twin steeds--Panic and Fear! Almost unnoticed, they emerge, silent and dreamlike at first, and begin to lay claim to the outer fringes of Victorville. Cannily and camouflage-like, they stealthily blend into my surroundings until, having established a nearly permanent foothold in my heart, they consume more and more of my time and precious vital energy as I need to daily feed and water these phantoms that they may continue to survive and consume me. Their ultimate goal: to deplete, ravage and lay final waste to my hard won energy supply of Peace and Tranquility. However, try as they may, this time, with the Grace of God, I've got a few weapons at my disposal. From my treasure chest, I carefully open and examine its contents. First, my sword of Faith; second , the sacred Heart of a Hero, and lastly, and perhaps the most precious failsafe of all, the daily-aquired, Wisdom of a Warrior!

Now at this point, I must hasten to interject, lest I be accused of false modesty, that the above descriptions, lofty as they may be, are nothing unique to me, nor am I, in any way or in any sense of the word, anything or anyone "Special"! I'm just a meagre soul who's been through some life-battles and personal challenges and who, only through the Grace of God, has been lucky enough to have picked up a few things along the way and, in times like these, has been able to review and then apply what's helpful.

Someone once told me that one of the best things I could do for myself would be to journal, which, to my mind, is nothing more than blogging by an ancient name. This, I do, for my own personal benefit, more than anyone else's. The insights I glean are often genuine and striking, both from the perspective of a sense of newness arising from the freshness of discovery, as well as from the sense of liberation or freedom, from the potency of what it is that I am fortunate enough to observe.

Right now, I feel almost pummeled by the simple fact that actually, from day one of engaging in this exercise (blogging) I've really been saying only one thing--repeatedly and ad nauseum. And that, at it's essence, is what I first read about back in the Sixties in a book by Ram Das called "Be Here Now". More recently, during my third visit to India, in 2002, I rediscovered this same message in a life changing work called, The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle. (Perhaps you're noticing a similarity here.) And now, most recently, since August 6th, 2007, when I was first diagnosed with Cancer and as a result found I had no choice but to embark upon my own real-life journey into Healing and Self Discovery, only this time I had nothing but the tools of observation and reflection, to fall upon in order to sustain myself and get on with my life.

In each and every case--in fact, throughout all the recorded history of Humanity itself, whenever a World Teacher has emerged, from the Buddah, to Lao Tsu, to the teachings of Jesus Christ or Sathya Sai Baba--the message has been constant. To cut through this veil of illusion, to sever the chords of suffering and misery, to know that "I and My Father Are One", the teaching is really one and the same. Let go of everything--every attachment we may have to any form, emotion or thought--and surrender instead to the majesty of the Present Moment! For it is only in this energetic space and realm which we, in Presence, create in Consciousness, that we may discover true liberation and freedom. A Freedom and everlasting sense of Peace, Joy and Wellness which lives in, and whose true nature is, Consciousness itself!

And thus it is with firm conviction that I here and now affirm that all one can ever know lives, and is contained in this, "The Present Moment." Any and all sense of lasting liberation, both from the Tyranny of the Past or, as is the case of my own momentry anguish, the Fear of the Future, is in truth found only here. Dwelling in either of these other imaginary realms render us temporarily BiPolar and thus helpless should we forget what's real--i.e., simply resting in the conscious awareness of the present moment--and lapse instead into the phantom worlds of Yesterday or Tomorrow.

Whenever it is that I slip from my stronghold of Presence, as I gaze upon the landscape of my upcoming life, all I see is consumed by fear and fraught with uncertainty. Should I allow myself the luxury of wallowing in self pity, I can then very easily succumb to and then be consumed by, fear itself. Currently, my surgeon has told me that all he will permit is for my disability benefits to continue until the end of June. Further, he tells me the best way I can heal and attain full recovery is to get on with my life and live without limitations. This is all good and well and in long term perspective, I trust and believe this. From the shorter term however, the view seems a bit more murky.

For the past month or so, I've been noticing a growing sense of pain and discomfort in the area immediately below my right scapula. Last time I went to my private doctor, he found an area there that when he touched it felt very sharp and sore. As my days progress, this "spot" seems to draw a focus upon itself which forces me to just lie down and take my body weight (gravity)
off it. I'm to see him this coming Monday to have another X-ray and then my surgeon will examine me. I try not to play with this in my mind as I hope to hear that everything will be all right. However, for the past month, as this pain has gotten progressively more intense, I just cant imagine being able to go back to work and sit at a desk all day as this is precisely (sitting on a chair for any period of time) when my back seems to hurt the most.

Then, of course, there's the whole issue of my reemegence into the work force, itself. I really feel very uncomfortable about this as, having been away from it for nearly a year, I feel like I've forgotten just about everything that I once knew like the back of my hand. Let alone the issue of having the energy to work at a job that I jokingly used to refer to as a particularly tough type of selling which could "make a grown man cry"!

Then continuing with this progression of future uncertainties, as I look a bit further out, I plan on having to put my house up for sale and arrange everything which this entails; Diane, my fiance, has to do the same with her place, and I'll then either move into her place with her or we'll get a place of our own together. Then, there'll be the adjustment to living with her and Sabrina (her 6 year old whom she currently has joint custody of) and just accepting and learning to live with impending parenthood again. Then, our Wedding: exactly what, when and where, etc., etc., etc. Into this mix, let's now add the further wrinkle that Diane's ex husband, Sabrina's father, has just been told that he has end stage Liver failure and needs a liver transplant, thus presenting the possibility of total custody...

The simple truth is that all I can see when I look out upon the landscape of my future life, is a daunting edifice called a Tower of Uncertainty. My heart, which I will forever trust, tells me that so long as I can live together, married to my true sweetheart, my angel, Diane, that I will lovingly and graciously accept with a full heart, whatever the future may behold. All I have to do is to remember what it is that I seem to daily forget; to simply get still, stop the mind chatter, and simply be where and when I am, in THIS PRESENT MOMENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Om Sri Sai Ram

Well, I must confess I'm a bit "at sea" here as I really don't have anything specific to write about. My life is progressing apace and for this I am truly grateful. Yesterday, I actually walked around my block (I live on a "circle") twice--not in a row, but twice nevertheless, AND... the best measure of progress is that prior to yesterday, I couldn't even make it to the mailbox (about a hundred yards, the last 20-30 of which is slightly uphill) without having to stop and rest and catch my breath. Well yesterday, I actually walked past the mailbox and made it an additionl 20-30 uphill yards to the 'stop' sign where I then obeyed the sign and stopped and rested and caught my breath. Once my breathing is semi-back to "normal" I then walked the entire remaining way to my starting point at my home. In perspective, it's slightly less than a quarter of a mile and about half of it is uphill. Oh well... "One Step At A Time"... (Groan!)...

Yesterday was Valentine's day. I got my fiance couple dozen roses (red and lavender); a necklace with a lttle Pearl inside a heart I picked up at Costco and a box of double dark chocolate fudge! You bet I earned points!!!... Diane was up in Danberry (Sp?) Connecticut making a presentation during the day and didn't get back to my place until about 9:40 PM. Next Valentine's day we'll plan to both be in town and celebrate it with dinner, etc. but as for this one, it was very Sweet nonetheless. I believe in my last posting I mentioned that as far as I'm concerned, each second is "Grace"... Pure Grace and that I now attempt (when I remember) to live in a "Proactive State of Gratitude"! Thus, as far as my perceptions of this past (present/yesterday) St. Valentine's Day goes, it was all Love Love Love and extremely pleasant and enjoyable!...

Oh, a "big" one... yesterday, I found myself near my former/presen't place of work around Technology Park in Atlanta. While I told myself that I'd wait until I was feeling stronger to go and visit, I nevertheless drove there and went in. I remained on a "Love - Level" and met with my Managers, Director of Sales, and as many of the insided sales force as I could see. When I left, it was with a mixture of feelings--part elation and part exhaustion! Man! Just standing there physically for over two hours and saying hi to people really cut into my "energy" department, big time. (I guess my surgeon knew what he was talking about after all when he said that it'd take a good 6 months for me to "feel like myself again", energywise!) Anyway, I really was struck with a profound sense of "Love" is the only way I can describe it, by seeing everyone and "fielding" all their good wishes, etc. There really is no way for me to describe just how much everyone's prayers --continued prayers--meant and continues to mean to me! I so deeply appreciate the effort and thought, not to mention "time", on everyone's behalf. I truly am very, very Blessed! One interesting observation: "everyone likes to smack you!!!" Really! it's funny, and perhaps it a "guy thing", but this past weekend I went to Costco's and the guy--Jerry--who checks you out once you're finished shopping, spotted me, and, out of sheer joy, came running over to me. After we hugged, he proceeded to 'almost punch"me in the side, right where my scar is. I saw stars and, felt a great deal of momentary pain! Actually, as I reflect on it, it's really just a form of "love-tap" or a "pat" on the back--only in this case it seriously was delivered like a hammer in heat! And, right on the spot where the surgery was. (When I look in the mirror, the incision is on my right side and goes in an arc, beginning at a spot about 3 -4 inches below my armpit and it then continues its sinuous journer curving upward till it stops about and inch below my right scapula (shoulder-blade) I'd say it's about 6-7 inches in length. Anyway, however long or short it might be or no matter what the shape is, all I've come to find out--the "hard way"-- is that "X marks the spot because it's exactly at the center of where everyone very naturually wants to hug and pat me!!! I'm reminded of this because yesterday when I went to work, thank God I was "present" enough to remember to forewarn everybody to please be "gentle" in greeting me! :-)

I was there visiting my Manager, in his office, for no longer than 2 minutes when issues presented themselves requiring him to decide on the best way (and what's right and fair) to handle yet one more "call-in gone awry"... Somehow it felt as if I'd never left the place. (God but I love the "smell of Napalm in the morning"). All in all, it was really wonderful for me to see everybody. Like I said, my consciousness was firmly locked into a "Love Plain"...

Oh well, that be about it right now. At present, I'm sitting outside in Victorville (i.e., my backyard, appropriately named by Jason Hughes) and am thoroughly enjoying the afternoon. I especially enjoy the wide variety of birds that come by to visit as they partake of the birdfood I've put out in my feeder. Man! You should see all the different varieties! I went to Barnes & Nobles the other day and picked up a field copy of "Georgia Birds". Incredible pictures, which is catalogued according to "color"--i.e., all the "black" colored birds, the yellow ones, etc., etc. In the brief space and time that I've been sitting here, I've seen no less than a couple of bluebirds, (it's amazing how orange their breast is) a couple of doves, assorted and sundry finches, cardinals and my "new" favorite, the irridescent "Grackles". This bird's really got it going as far as I'm concerned! They resemble "crows" but their heads and beginnings of their breasts and wings are either blue-ish or purple or--Oh yeah , I even saw a red winged blackbird come by for some of my hotmeats. I got sick and tired of the squirrels (Nature's "Pigs") hogging up the bird feeder and eating all the feed, so I went out and bought this "hotmeat" feed. Evidently, the birds love it but the squirrel find it too "hot" on their digestive system. Cool, huh? Anyway, all I can say is that the number and variety of birds have drastically increased since I got this new birdfood, and I believe the reason is that now they can all have "Spicey food" at Victorville.

That's all I've got to comment on at the moment. Oh yeah, in an effort to make this experience, perhaps a bit more "interactive", while few of you have actually posted comments, perhaps I could suggest that if you're reluctant to share your own thoughts and views (in the form of comments) that you might want to simply write and give me some suggestions as to what subjects you might like me to address in my own future postings. I'd really enjoy that and promise to at least be extremely "honest" in my responses! That, coupled with my often warped sense of humor might make it fairly interesting from this point going forward.

Take Care and KMLAAY (Keep My Love All Around You)

Victor

P.S. My hair has now grown in, and while it's still the same salt n pepper color, it's now definitely "curley" in the back!!! This is new and all I can say is that I'm glad I can only "feel" it and now see it!

Nearing "Normalcy"...

It has been said by the sage that we often appreciate what it is that we "have" only after we discover that, for whatever reasons that be, we no longer have it/them! Another way of phrasing this is that we take whatever it is we have so much "for granted" that the only way we "notice" them, is usually only after we've lost what it is we've been taking for granted!

Once, several years ago, after having my back "go out" and experiencing difficulty in the simple act of tying my shoelaces, was I able to note and then articulate what a blessing it was to be able to simply lean over and tie my shoes! It's so intrinsically ingrained, that we do (shame on us) take these so called "givens" entirely for granted, almost as if we're "entitled" to these powers and abilities.

Well, once you've fallen through the mirror, as have I, and come out on the other side, believe me, I now appreciate with a renewed sense of gratitude, actually each and every second of my life and certainly all that comes along with it in a host of powers and abilities--i.e., what it is I can and cannot "do"...

How about the simple act of Breathing, for example: I now, almost consciously, appreciate each unlabored breath that comes and goes of its own accord...

Today, Monday, February4, I stand before my wall calendar in the kitchen, the one I use to reflect all my various and sundry Doctor's appointments, hopital and lab procedures, scans, and medical followups, etc. For the past several --i.e., 5 months or so--my calendars have been nearly filled with multiple appointments, often 2 to 3 per day in some cases. Now, something quite unusual looms ahead of me. I note, with a growing smile on my "soul", that I have no Dr's appointments, until one week from this coming Wednesday! That's about 10 days of "freedom" or not "having' to be somewhere for something medically related. Wow! What a miracle! I smile as the thought begins to crystalize within, "Hey! I'm approaching "Normalcy"!" My! But Oh My, My!!!

Another example: Yesterday was Superbowl Sunday and, in an effort to be somewhat prepared for a small amount of company coming by to watch the game with me, I had my daugher drive me to Costco's on the Saturday prior to the game. Guess what! I actually sampled everything in sight!!! That's right! Pizza! Wings! Ham! Whatever it was they were dishing out, I was inputting left and right! Another demonstrative example of approaching "Normalcy"... Bigtime! I mean, not bad for a guy who, until this past Monday, January 14 had been on a clear liquid diet only! I LOVE It!!!

And it's not so much what it is that I "notice" so much as what it is that I realize I "have".... Literally, each and every blessed second of my life is yet one more measure of Grace... a tiny and precious grain of sand in the hourglass of God's Pure Love and Gifts! All this has created within me, a pronounced attitudinal change to one of almost "active" gratitude! Instead of realizing I'm grateful for thus and such, after seeing or experiencing an example, I now proactively like to reflect on everything I have and all that I am. This is a wonderful way to begin the day or to complete it! Either way it's all the same coin, whichever side you happen to be on.

So then, Thank You My Lord and God, Provider of all abundance, Love and Blessings...Thank You for all Your exquisite Protection and Guidance. Thank You for Your gifts, including the "unanswered" ones; Thank You for my growing Wisdom, thankYou for my dawning Appreciation and Gratitude. And today, espcially, I pause, reflect, and then offer You my praise for simply showing me signs of my approaching Normalcy!!!...

Thank You! Thank You! Thank You Soooooooooooooo Much For Everything!

I am reminded of the following quote from a little book called "Gentle Rain" I used to read to my children:

"Every Good Gift, and Every Pefect Gift is from Above and Cometh Down from the Father of Lights! Behold! There shall be Showers of Blessings!"

"Catch Up"...("There Ain't No Accidents In Creation")!!!

Well my oh my oh MY! What a wild and crazy ride this whole trip is! Seems like yesterday when I last entered my New Years Greeting, and, on the other side of the coin, seems like a lifetime! In fact, several lifetimes, to be sure!

Let's see, where to begin? OK! A brief reference to "Trouble in Paradise" (i.e. friction breaks out rampantly between Jessie --my Daughter/"Main Caretaker" and Myself). I really don't want to delve too deeply here, but let's suffice it to say that because of several "uniquenessies" (Sp?) of Jessie's personality and my needs, she melted down culminating in the day about 2 weeks ago when she "dropped me off at the N. Fulton E.R." after I noticed that my feeding tube had "fallen out of my body and was on the ground beneath my feet", and proceeded to leave me there unattended!!! Like I said, I'm really not going to delve into this at this point--perhaps down the road when enough time/distance has elapsed... Anyway, my Fiance, God Bless Diane, immediately came to my rescue and was by my side during the entire 3-4 hour ensuing ordeal!

Then, Rick Abell, one of my truest, dearest friends/ (Really and actually an Angel sent to me at this precise time and place due to what then transpired--that's right, a Real Angel From God! There are No Accidents in this Creation, only the appearance of synergystic coincidental circumstance. By the way, it's almost as rediculous to deny that this whole thing runs like the most perfect Swiss Clock (Army Knives are good, too!) with True Intelligence providing EVERYTHING from guidance and direction to the actual "Doings" that we think we are providing. (To deny this is almost, to my feeble mind, is as rediculous as saying that if there were an explosion inside a moveabe type factory, that the Unexpurgated Volumes, Plays, Poems, Works, etc. of Shakespeare would appear, intact, blasting through the walls, at the other end!!!)

Anyway, back to Rick Abell: He arrived here a week ago, Tuesday, January 16th. On Wednesday, all hell broke loose... I went to the Doctor for a routine visit to check my glucose levels and he told me I had a 101.6 fever! Could be serious, off to my Chemo Doctor.... infused me with Rosefin, an antibiotic and sent me to the N.F.E.R. for an infusion of Vancomycin. (this needs be administered very slowly as slightly too fast and Bango, you've got --no joke here, and any lurking anti-Columbusites out there, do NOT take heart--"Red Man Syndrome"--sort of what it sounds like... you turn beet red and become hot, etc. Hence, the slow- drip/drip/drip --sort of like humming the "Syncopated Clock" Tune to yourself in halftime-- or No, what's that crazy Jeopardy theme "DOO DOO DOO--DOO DOO DOO-- DOO Do Doo Doo Do Do Doo--Oh well, you get the picture, I'm sure! Anyway this takes 90 minutes for the infusion via my Pik Line (the appendage inserted into my right inner elbow area from which I was fed via the hideous TPN (Total Parental Neutrician).... Bottom line, they find out that the Pik line is infected! So, literally every day since, I've gone for these 90 minute to 2 hour infusions of Vancomycin at the North Fulton Regional Hosp Out Patient Clinic. except for Sat and Sun, when I had the pleasure of performing the same at the Northside Hospital Infusion Center as the out patient Clinic at NFRH is closed on the weekends . They they removed the "bad boy" (the infected pik line last Friday and reinserted a new pik line inside my left inner elbow for the same purpose--i.e., receiving these infusions of antibiotics. However, I must've forgotten to mention that all during this I'm taking 5 mg.s / day of Cumudin (a notorious blood thinner due to the Phlebotomy I had when I awoke from surgery on the 29th of November at St. Joes' hospital. They had me on Heparin for this for most of my hospital stay, however, switched me over to cumudin--which I'm told really needs to be most dilligently monitored for the initial period of usage --(AND WHICH WASN'T). and, long story longer, because my blood I & R (a meaure of my blood's thinness and ability to clot, etc. was up to a 7 where as a 3 is normal) when the installed the new pik line-- that's right you guessed it Sparky, I wouldn't/couldn't stop bleeding! After Friday's ensuing infusion of Vancomycin, which now takes 2 hours by the way due to the fact that they couldn't really get it all the way into my "central lines" due to my power port, (remember "Harry Porter" which was installed way back on Aug 17 so I could receive my Chemo infusions? Anyway, this was somehow blocking the placement of this new pik line and hence the additional half hour of fun and games! On Fri night, it's back to the ER due to the non stop of bleeding and a Doctor gives me a "purse string stitch" to keep the tissue together and stop the bleeding. The bleeding stops, however, the "oozing" doesn't... (Hey! I couldn't make all this up if I tried)... anyhoo, they wrap it up so much with pressure bandages, etc. that it appears to be no longer bleeding and i go home. That was the "Lifetime" called "Last Friday"... On Saturday, I go to Northside for the infusion, only when they strip my bandage, there's this frigging pool of blood welled up, etc. Anyway, I get my infusion, have it wrapped up extra tight, and go home .... Sunday , Bloody Sunday, comes and, once again when I arrive at Northside, this time they insist I go to the ER at NFRH again to check my PTT (Clotting factors, etc.) Basically I wait there for 4 hours and watch the entire New England vs. Sad Diego Football championship gave in my ER cubicle and eventually receive one tiny pill of Vitamin K. (helps clotting) By the way, I'm supposed to have my Port removed this coming Thursday, Jan 24th, so I was supposed to stop the cumudin 4 days prior, well ,pardon me, but I stopped it as of Friday night!

All during this and other "normal" episodes, Rick Abell (the most perfectly surnamed person in the Universe) is physically opening doors, belting me into my carseat, helping me with my clothes, food, travel, he's there by my side 24-7! WoW! What a guy... Like I said, There aint no accidents, and he's my angel sent from God for me at this precise time and place performing one non-stop act of Selfless Service after another, etc., etc., etc., (He originally is scheduled to return home on Tues, Jan 22, but when he observes just how hectic my life is and what the hell is breaking loose all around me, he calls Delta and pushes his flight back to return to Colorado on Friday, Jan 25, just so he can make sure I'm okay on Thurs, when I'm to go to the hospital to have my port taken out!

Thank You Brother Rick! And May God Certainly Bless and Keep You, My Dearest Friend!

The Happiest of New Years To Each & All of Us!

Happy New Year!


I just don’t know where to begin, so we’ll just do if from here and see how it flows.

Spoke to my Doctor, the Surgeon, Dr. Moore today and, after reviewing my x rays said everything looked good and how’d I like to go home tomorrow?!!! I couldn’t really believe my ears, but medication notwithstanding, I believe this actually might occur tomorrow sometime morning / afternoon!

Don’t know if you’ve been able to keep up with what’s turned into my “Odyssey” here, but to recap: came in to St. Joe’s in good spirits and a great frame of mind on 11-29! I expected about a 5-6 hour Surgery where they’d cut out some of my pylorus (part of the stomach) then staple it to what was left of my esophagus, and place it near my upper left chest wall. Thought I’d be in ICU around 5 days and then in the hospital for another 5 days or so and then (get thee behind me Satan) let me get home and get on with my healing and life! (By the way, sincerely, the surgeon told me that he did not see one shred of evidence of any remaining cancerous substance in my body)… YES!!!!!!!!!!

So much for all the best laid plans of Mice and Men; or as Johnny Lennon was fond of saying to his son Sean: “Before you cross the street, better take my hand; Life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans”!

About 1 week after being in the hospital (I was at this point transferred out of the ICU and was, where I presently am, in the pulmonary floor) some very scary stuff began happening. Without exaggeration it felt as if my breath capacity was barely enough for 2 thimblesful of Oxygen to fill it. Talk about pure panic. Sorry, but out of just about every single biological function I can possibly scour my memory banks to elicit here, I’d honestly say that Breathing has to be right up there at the very tippy-top of the whole damn list! I’ve been on this planet for about 62 years now and I can tell you that this was absolutely the scariest feeling I’ve ever experienced! I mean just try to imagine for a second just flat out not being able to catch your breath and having this repeatedly go on for hours on end, with no apparent let up in sight!

Anyway, they then did a left lung tap and removed around 1 liter of fluid from my left lung! YES! I DID feel relief when it was over! Alas, this relieved feeling lasted for about a day, because in another 2-3 days, they tapped my lung again and this time removed around 1.4 liters of fluid! Then, on Saturday, December 8 or maybe it was the 15th (not sure here) they tapped it again and left a catheter in my back. Whatever Saturday it was, all I know is that within the next 3-4 days they then removed an additional total of 4 (FOUR) liters of fluid from my left lung! Holy crap here Batman, but last time I checked I thought I was listed as “Mammal” and not “Amphibian” or “Ichthyosaurus” or however the hell it is that you want to say “Fish” in Latin! I mean, aside from not trying what I’m about to suggest that you do at home alone, any time soon, (or actually anytime at all) imagine chugging a couple of 2 liter bottles of diet coke or whatever it is that floats your boat ever so merrily downstream and this time instead of chugging it try Breathing through it instead!!! ‘Nuff said! Scary, very, very, scary indeed! In retrospect it was a hell of a lot worse than being told by one of the Techs here that: “Mr. Paul, this is all in your mind, it’s just your anxiety level kicking in!” (Here you go Ms. Tech, I’d rather like to take a stab at “I’m afraid I’ve got no frigging clue as to what I’m talking about” for $20, Alex!)


Anyway, things at this point really do seem to have swung completely around and the situation is just infinitely so much better than it was and I feel and see daily improvement within myself, I’m actually quite grateful for everything—and I do mean EVERYTHING! Yes, even the Tech as I’m sure she was doing the best she could and was simply trying to help calm me down. If there’s one thing my whole 1 month plus stay in this facility has taught me, its that the one—the only—the indispensable ingredient as an absolute prerequisite ingredient for working in the Health Care Profession is simply LOVE!!!!!

In fact, if I may be so bold, forget “Healthcare”, Love is the quintessential ingredient necessary for the successful flow of ANYTHING! It’s the grease and oil in the elixir of Life; it’s the roll in Rock ‘n’… it’s everything there is; everything there was and everything there will ever be! It’s the whole world wide web and ever spinning matrix of Creation itself! It’s what makes the trains run on time; it’s the rebirth in Spring, as well as the icy exhalation of a frosty winter’s sleep! It’s the secret within the wondrous gaze as a child first beholds Heaven’s pure majesty on a star filled night! It’s all this and … imagine for a second… this is but the quick view, thumbnail plans and specs version of the chrysalis within the butterfly within the caterpillar! And again, it’s but the barest of beginnings…

I’m glad for my time in the hospital. I’m grateful for the change in view it’s afforded me to be cognizant of. I’m grateful for a truly wonderful New Year pregnant with the pulsation of infinite possibility and newness of Life. And I’m truly humbled and appreciative, beyond words, for everyone’s prayers, support, and oh yes, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!

Happy New Year!

KMLAAY

Victor